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Why do people have opinions on wedding guest lists, why can't they just be happy for bride and groom!!!!! AIBU?

(48 Posts)
CrapBag Mon 22-Oct-12 10:05:08

DBro is getting married next year, I am really happy and can't wait.

Future SIL texted me the other day to ask when I am going around to pick up my invite and the rest of my family (this is not further to any conversation we have had, but I am not going there with that). I asked who she had invites for as I don't see that much of some of my family. I gave her my dads address to post it as I don't see him that often, plus I will be the one who has to chase up "btw I still have your invite here can you pick it up" then it will be up to me to take everyone elses around or pay out to post them. I said I would leave the rest with my nan who sees various family at different times, far more than me.

Now she has day invites for my family (DH and kids), sister, dad and GPs. Evening invites for an aunt, 2 cousins and their spouses and another 2 cousins who have DPs (one only very recent) but are invited as single people. There is an aunt and cousin who don't live nearby like the others, my DB doesn't have a relationship with them so they aren't invited. I have no issue. The numbers are limited and as the brides GPs are paying for the reception, the bride and groom don't feel they can say "we want to invite more, can you pay more money" and they can't afford it themselves, plus they want to invite their actual friends in the evening. The ceremony is in a very small place and it is close family and a few friends only, the reception is bigger but numbers are still limited.

I was telling my nan about the invites last night and she immediately said "what about x" (aunt and cousin not invited). I explained the above to her. In general we are not a close family and I don't see the problem but I know she isn't happy about it and was saying about x talking about coming down for the wedding (she is assuming she is invited). I also don't know what the other cousins and aunt are going to say about not being invited all day when my DBro was to theirs then the other 2 about not having their DPs invited. I understand about numbers, it was an issue at my wedding and it split my family. Weddings really bring out the worst in my family and it does my head in.

I know I am going to end up in the middle with people asking me why this and why that. Why can't people just accept an invite and not question the bride and grooms guest list!!! It isn't up to anyone else, its not like we are all close and see each other regularly. Christmas is usually the only time we all see each other up my nans house (and this doesn't include the aunt and cousin not invited, she only comes down here once every few years then she doesn't see my brother anyway) and I know that from this year that is changing due to family moving away etc.

AIBU to think that it shouldn't matter who the bride and groom want to celebrate their big day with and people should just be happy for them?!

Housewifefromheaven Mon 22-Oct-12 10:07:59

The bride should have just posted her own invites out IMO.

Smile and nod, smile and nod grin

angeloftheeast Mon 22-Oct-12 10:09:09

I'd be wondering why I had to go and pick up my own and family's invites - why can't she post them??

pumpkinsweetie Mon 22-Oct-12 10:10:18

The bride or groom should have posted and sent out all the invites.
There will always be people that are not happy, just ignore it isn't your problemgrin

CrapBag Mon 22-Oct-12 10:10:35

"The bride should have just posted her own invites out IMO" Oh yes I agree. Thats why I am steering clear of my feelings on the text I received out of the blue when messages on facebook are popping up "thanks for my wedding invite, it arrived in the post today"

mirry2 Mon 22-Oct-12 10:11:24

Just say that you don't know why and tell them to speak to the bride and groom as the guest list was their decision

CrapBag Mon 22-Oct-12 10:11:37

I am wondering angel I even sent her a message saying " I am picking them up am I?" and she replied "yes, I have xxxxx her" confused

SparklyGothKat Mon 22-Oct-12 10:13:16

I'm dreading doing our invites. My cousin who I see regularly and is like a brother to me asked if his parents will be invited. I said no. I don't see them often and we are having close family and friends only.

ShowOfBloodyStumps Mon 22-Oct-12 10:13:54

Tell SIL to post the invitations to the relevant people and think no more of it.

I'm going to a wedding next year. It's childfree. No problem. It's also family free. They're only inviting their friends. Now THAT is causing ructions.

flowery Mon 22-Oct-12 10:14:07

"AIBU to think that it shouldn't matter who the bride and groom want to celebrate their big day with and people should just be happy for them?!"

That isn't the problem here. The problem is you ending up in the middle. It's nothing to do with you, so people shouldn't be asking you.

Make sure the bride has an address for all the invitations she wants to go out, and if anyone starts contacting/talking to you about whether so and so is invited, direct them straight to your brother/the bride and say you are not involved in the guest list and don't know their plans in terms of who's invited to what bit.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Mon 22-Oct-12 10:15:20

Bride and groom should invite who they would like to go, not people they feel they should invite.

An you should ask your db and future sil to post out their invites.

They'll get replies quicker and its better manners IMO

MerylStrop Mon 22-Oct-12 10:15:49

Stay well out of it

Do not collect the invitations for your family.

Your Brother, the Groom, presumably knows what stamps are for, and could recognise a postbox if he saw it?

YouOldSlag Mon 22-Oct-12 10:16:03

I am sure there are examples where the bride and groom's behaviour is or has been very hurtful. I myself have been excluded from parts of a wedding, or not invited at all to others. When brides and grooms have child free weddings, it's fine by me as long as they don't get all offended when people with kids can't come. It's also fine to get married abroad as long as you don't get offended when people can't come etc.

However, having said all that, I will conclude by saying YANBU. When arranging my wedding, we had so many people trying to get us to invite people they wanted there or refusing to come if AN Other guest was invited, that I just got really pissed off. To be honest, the guests giving us grief about it spoilt the day for me and looking back, I don't feel the day was about me, but how about all the hassle MIL and BILs and various other people gave us.

So I'm split on this, I've been on both sides of the fence. YANBU and YABU.

Trills Mon 22-Oct-12 10:17:34

Because people have opinions on everything.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Mon 22-Oct-12 10:26:29

The B&G have put you in this position, very selfishly, because they can't be others to send out their own invites.

When people can't even make the effort to buy a stamp and go to a postbox, they can't be surprised when people get funny with them over invites.

They also don't deserve much sympathy if they won't hire a venue big enough to accommodate their family. If they know they are going to upset people, then they should preempt that and deal with Tim rather than leaving it for you.

I have no sympathy with people who have to deal with upset family members because they won't invite them to their wedding, especially when they then blame the venue for not being able to accommodate certain numbers. They knew how big their family was when they chose their venue, they have excluded people deliberately, so they have to deal with the consequences.

OP, don't do their dirty work for them, let them sort out their own invites, and any family members that do ask you about it should be directed straight back to the couple.

plantsitter Mon 22-Oct-12 10:32:38

Buy them an early wedding present of some stamps and the honour of having you sitting at their kitchen table writing names and addresses on envelopes. And then your company on the walk to the post box.

But otherwise, YANBU, but one of the pleasures of weddings, for many people, is slagging them off before during and afterwards. Stay out of it.

diddl Mon 22-Oct-12 10:34:21

Does your brother know about this OP-& he´s OK with it?

I do think that they should post/give out invitations themselves-lazyarses!

But I don´t agree that they should hire a bigger venue if they are happy with not inviting who they haven´t.

Trills Mon 22-Oct-12 10:39:45

Refuse to deliver or act as a go-between. Practise saying: You'll have to speak to the bride and groom about that

Is your brother actually involved in this wedding at all? So far we've only heard about SIL.

mirry2 Mon 22-Oct-12 10:43:27

If the parents are footing the bill, surely they have some say about inviting/excluding relatives?

EdithWeston Mon 22-Oct-12 10:46:53

Stand clear. Your DBro presumably knows family addresses as well as you do. Give them a sheet of stamps as an early wedding present and pick up your own invitation only.

YouOldSlag Mon 22-Oct-12 10:53:55

Outraged- I happen to agree with you about venues.

Couples know how many people are in their family before they choose a tiny venue. They then blame the venue for being tiny, rather than themselves for not choosing a bigger one.

If family must be excluded, the B and G must brace themselves for any fallout and not get anyone else to do it for them. People do get offended and have very long memories.

fluffyraggies Mon 22-Oct-12 11:07:15

It's very hard when you're on a budget.

It's a choice between a throngs of people in a shitty venue with no food or music, loads of whom you don't even know situation -

or a small amount of much loved guests in a tiny venue with allot of left out people getting huffy situation.

We went for the latter. My DH and i are adult enough to not throw a wobbly if we don't get an invite to a friend or extended family member's wedding, and felt others should be able to cope just as well. We had immediate family of course parents, bros, sisters and their spouses. After that it was only those we felt very close to.

OP i echo the idea they should have posted their invites. Plus the idea that you should just plead ignorance over the guest list if anyone asks. It's not your responsibility.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Mon 22-Oct-12 11:25:04

I guess it just depends if the nice venue is more important to you than friends and extended family.

For some people, having the right venue is more important than people, but I don't thinks you can expect everyone to feel the same way on that. It's natural to feel hurt if you thought you were close enough to be invited to their wedding but then you find out that you aren't as important as the pretty venue.

CrapBag Mon 22-Oct-12 11:31:23

My brother is away with the Army at the moment so he is not involved with the invites at this stage. He hasn't even seen them yet as the brides nan made them and she has only just got them. He has discussed the guest list and the bride is doing that according to what they talked about before he went.

They don't know anyones addresses. I am going to get them (I don't have them to had either but I can find out) then text the bride saying I think it is better if she posts them herself. No one can come back to me then and if they do I am going to do as others suggested and direct them to my DBro, which they won't ask him anyway. Its fine to put me in the middle but no one will say anything to anyones faces. Grrrr.

I also don't agree that people should hire bigger venues so they can invite obscure members of family in order not to upset anyone else. The venue (for reception) they have got isn't tiny but there are other family (closer members) and friends that they want to include which I think is fine. The ceremony is in an Army base where my brother works which is why that is limited with numbers.

LeggyBlondeNE Mon 22-Oct-12 11:36:25

Outraged - in the OP it seems that the family AREN'T that close, so I suppose it depends on whether you think it's reasonable to not see/contact your newphew for years and then expect an invitation to his wedding?

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