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AIBU?

foster carer

82 replies

DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:02

I think she is doing an amazing job before anyone flames me.

They want to go away to cornwall for Christmas, from Sunday before til Sunday after. I however am desperate to see my little boy so before I make a decision I wanted to ask the mumsnet jury what they think of my compromise.

Firstly I get contact on the Saturday, secondly I would like them to come back early so I can see him on the Saturday (though contact is normally only week days social workers said this might be possible) and thirdly that I can see my little boy via Skype on either Christmas eve or Christmas day.

Do I sound unreasonable? It's breaking my heart to let him go but I want him to have the best Christmas possible

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Goldmandra · 22/10/2012 10:04

Will you not be able to have contact on the Sunday if they come back that day?

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DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:07

No, the contact centre isn't open on Sundays.

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Ohhmydaze · 22/10/2012 10:07

you can ask huh? i think whether it is reasonable largely depends on the foster carers plans? Hope you can reach an amicable compromise

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HanSolo · 22/10/2012 10:08

Oh, that really doesn't seem reasonable
How old isyour little boy, and how long has he been with this carer?

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BridgetJonesPants · 22/10/2012 10:12

Sorry for your situation DistressedMum, but glad the foster mums doing a great job with your DS.

Obviously it's difficult for anyone to comment as we don't know the circumstances but on the face of it, I don't think it would be unreasonable to see him before he goes away.

However, I'm not so sure about asking family to come back a day early so you can see him the following Sat. How easy is it for them to come back a day early? What if they're all having a fab time and the other kids might feel resentful towards you (and possibly your DS) for having to come home a day early.

Re contact via Skype, sounds reasonable, so long as it won't upset your DS when the video link is ended.

At the end of the day, it's your DS's needs that are paramount and if it's not in his best interests to Skype you and come home a day early, then I think you just need to accept it without a fuss.

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DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:21

My little boy isn't upset to leave the contact centre he knows he will be coming back to see mummy again soon.

I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas or upset the other kids, hence I haven't just said no. The social worker did say she thought a compromise was needed. Hence me thinking about it.

I want him to have the best Christmas possible, if I was being selfish I could just say no.

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Goldmandra · 22/10/2012 10:22

I am guessing that would mean it would be the Tuesday before you could see him?

I think it's a difficult one. If I were the foster family I would find it difficult to be asked to cut short a holiday. I would imagine they will still have to pay for the time they don't use if they come back early, depending on what accommodation they will be in. Maybe they will be visiting family they don't often see or maybe this is a lovely break they have saved hard for.

I can see that it would be hard enough not seeing your child over Christmas without having to wait the extra few days. At the same time these people are welcoming your child into their family to be part of their celebrations and shouldn't lose time which is valuable to them as a result.

I would be ripped to shreds at the thought of not seeing my children over Christmas but I think you're right to consider allowing this to happen. He'll have a lovely time away and he'll be happier if they are happy. I think this is a time when you have to put his needs before your own and let them have all of their holiday.

I'm sorry if that sounds hard on you. I obviously have no idea why your child is in foster care in the first place but whatever happened I understand your need to see him at this special time. Hopefully you'll be able to have a lovely chat with him on Christmas day and then have a really good time at the contact centre when he gets back.

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DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:22

When Christmas comes he will have been with his foster carer almost three months, and he is 2 and a half at Christmas

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Goldmandra · 22/10/2012 10:24

Just a thought. Could you compromise by asking for more Skype time later in the week in addition to Christmas day/eve?

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DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:25

They are also taking him on holiday this month which they haven't yet booked. They are staying with family so not paying for a hotel etc.

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cazboldy · 22/10/2012 10:26

so what would happen if u said no?

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DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:27

I am going to have to borrow someone's computer for Skype. It's difficult cos I do want him to have the best. Maybe more Skype would be a compromise.

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GateGipsy · 22/10/2012 10:27

I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask to see him on the Saturday, and Skype calls on both those days. However, if they are staying in a holiday let then the let will be from that Sunday to the following Sunday so they'll still have to pay for that day regardless. Unless they've been really lucky to find a holiday let that doesn't impose that rule (in which case let me know I love going on hols in Cornwall but find 7 days can be a bit much!).

Perhaps you could put it to them asking for the contact on both Saturdays and a Skype call on Christmas Eve/Day. or say that you realise that they might be able to come back early so perhaps you could do that first Saturday, and two Skype calls while he is away?

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DistressedMumHELP · 22/10/2012 10:28

If I said no, my social worker said she would ask them to change their plans.

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MissVerinder · 22/10/2012 10:28

To be fair, that does seem like a lot of holiday in a short space of time.

Could you negotiate extra contact on the weeks he's not away, and leave the holiday arrangements as they are?

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getmeoutofthismadhouse · 22/10/2012 10:59

my children are in care atm and like yours their carer is brilliant but i wouldn't be so happy if she was taking them away during the most important time of the year. Its hard enough being without your kids on a daily basis but xmas with no contact isn't fair especially with the other holiday so close too.

I totally sympathise with you OP and I hope your sw sorts extra contact.
We have phone contact with our children but due to your child's age that probably wouldn't work . I don't think its unfair of you to want the carers to come home early, its almost impossible to change contact days due to lack of workers etc but he is your son . No-one can understand the pain of being without your kids until they are in your shoes .

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Goldmandra · 22/10/2012 11:02

Can you rely on being able to have access to the computer in order to see him more on Skype? If you can you would at least have shorter gaps between seeing him, even if it's not face to face. I think it would be reasonable to ask for Skype contact on Christmas day plus on two other days later in the week in return for not disrupting their plans.

You have then also shown that you are willing to be reasonable and putting your son's needs first while still being very keen to maintain contact with him if that is important for future decision making.

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cazboldy · 22/10/2012 11:03

don't you think they are doing an amazing thing for you already?

Why should they have to change their plans?

My parents are foster carers, and always include the dc's they have in family occasions, holidays etc

many don't you know. Lots of foster carers ask for respite care so they can go on holiday.

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OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/10/2012 11:04

I think they need to arrange their holiday so that the child isn't missing a visit. It's lovely that they are going to take him away and give him a lovely Christmas, and I think they should be allowed to go, it there has to be a compromise. If they don't change the dates will you be able to see your son the day after they come back on the Monday?

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crashdoll · 22/10/2012 11:06

caz The OP has shown appreciation for the foster carers but at the end of the day, she is still the parent and has rights.

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Kewcumber · 22/10/2012 11:07

what are your plans for Xmas - would a daytrip to cornwall and contact at a local contact centre be too difficult for everyone to arrange? Even as I'm writing that I think its probably wildly impractical.

I suspect your SW can't stop them going though they may not have thought about no contact for a week and to be fair to them I suspect that they have to get on and plan things because they probably don't know in advance which children they will have in 2/3 months time. If they are staying with family they may consider coming home on the saturday so its worth asking, otherwise I'd go for contact on the monday when they get back in lieu of the week before then another contact later in the week and skype Xmas day if they can do it also.

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LFCisTarkaDahl · 22/10/2012 11:07

I'm a foster carer and I wouldn't do that, not because of anything to do with you but because I'd hate to promise things I couldn't deliver. She has arranged the holiday so you will only miss one contact (or it could be rearranged for 2 days later on the Monday?). It is usual for a holiday to be a week long and she's arranged to visit family - fine to ask but I wouldn't change a family holiday when contact would only be delayed by a couple of days.

I'd never do skype from Cornwall - I go there every year and there is no signal in half of it, I didn't have broadband in the cottage all week because of the weather.

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Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2012 11:09

I am a CP SW and supervised contact over the holiday period last year.

Because of budget cuts we were not able to offer the extended contact that we usually do and would of liked to.

The conatct Centre's were put on the usual 'Counsel Christmas Shut Down' and were closed from two days before, upto the 3rd of January, so a long time.

I and other staff went into Centres were we could, voluntary to staff contacts.

Check what the LA's arrangements are this year before any plans are made.

We told parents to get their MP's involved last year, as they were court awarded but we couldn't give what was ordered.

It depends on your individual circumstances, tbh, as what reason would you give your child for not being theree on Christmas day?

Does your child understand what has happened and why?

Will it ruin Christmas for your child, as they won't recover from seeing you?

Does the FC have any other children that will be effected by this?

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cazboldy · 22/10/2012 11:11

I am aware of that thanks crashdoll

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Kewcumber · 22/10/2012 11:12

"I think they need to arrange their holiday so that the child isn't missing a visit" no I'm sorry but I don't agree. They are entitled to have a holiday the same as everyone else, they may have more than one foster child sometimes with different contact arrangements which could mean they would never be able to go away for more than a few days or see their own family over christmas.

The alternative is (as caz pointed out) respite foster care for the child while the foster carers go away which lets be honest would be a great deal more relaxing for them but not in the best interests of the child.

A compromise would be best and if the SW puts it the right way they may be able to to come back a day earlier.