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to have stopped this from happening?

(137 Posts)
addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 01:57:03

Have namechanged for this.

My DF has always been big on discipline. We were spanked, belted etc., regularly for the smallest things.

All adults now so obviously this hasn't happened for many years.

My DSis has a 2.5 year old son and DF is quite harsh with him. He gets angry at him for playing too loudly etc. He has smacked him on the bum a couple of times, which has not gone down well but each time it was a family event and no one wanted to cause a scene. I felt awful, as though I had let DN down by not intervening.

Today as we were getting ready to leave, I asked DN to pack away his toys and he didn't. DF was in the room and told him sternly to put his toys away. When DN didn't do as he said DF stood him up and smacked his bum. I didn't say anything even though I was angry with him for doing it.

DN then sat down and told DF he would smack HIS bum.

My DF grabbed DN, threw him over his knee and started spanking him hard. I immediately threw my hand on top of DN and the second whack hit me instead of DN, who I tried to take away from DF. DF then yanked DN backwards and shoved me in the chest. I was furious and shaking and just kept saying you can't spank someone elses child without their permission. He started yelling at be for interfering and said it was the worst thing I could do because children need discipline and by going against him I was ruining everything.

I kept saying the same thing over and over, that you can't do that and he shoved me a few more times and told me to fuck off out of his house.

He's then been texting me since I got home telling me that because I don't have any children I don't know what I'm doing and I've fucked up my nephew by not letting him discipline him when he's being naughty. That I am always overreacting to everything (hence the NN) and I should stop causing trouble...

I know I'm probably not being unreasonable for stopping him spanking DN but he's making out like I've overreacted to the situation and am the sole cause of a big family blow out for what seems to be no big deal to him.

What else could I have done in that situation?

Sorry for the long post.

MurderOfGoths Mon 22-Oct-12 01:59:25

YWNBU at all! He sounds horrible, and violent

Your DN will thank you for it!

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Mon 22-Oct-12 01:59:42

You're not overreacting. I hope you've told your DSis? If I was her I wouldn't be leaving your DN alone with your father again.

NatashaBee Mon 22-Oct-12 02:01:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeingBooyhoo Mon 22-Oct-12 02:02:11

absoloutely not BU!! sad for DN. did you take him with you? did you tell your sister? your father assaulted you so he could carry on hitting a toddler! i am in shock reading this if i'm being honest. please tell me your DN is safe now.

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:02:30

She was upstairs! I shouted her down and she caught the part where he was pushing me and swearing at me. The whole family was there by then, but it was only my other DSis who saw everything. That's why I feel bad, because it turned into a massive argument involving everyone else and apparently I caused it all.

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:03:04

Yes I took them both home straight away.

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:03:53

DN seems ok now but in the car he was saying "grandad hit me too hard".

BeingBooyhoo Mon 22-Oct-12 02:06:00

you didn't cause it! dont let him make out that you did anything wrong. oh i am furious!! that poor poor boy. i hope your Dsis has enough sense not to leave her son with him again. so angry angry

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:06:02

He says I'm not welcome back into his house until I apologise.

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:07:19

She said she's not taking him there ever again but it's hard because we're a really close family and Christmas is coming up so we don't know what to do.

BeingBooyhoo Mon 22-Oct-12 02:07:20

do you want to go back under those terms?

NatashaBee Mon 22-Oct-12 02:07:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knackeredmother Mon 22-Oct-12 02:09:43

Bloody hell! Of course you did the right thing, that poor boy. I hope your dais never lets him near hIim again.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 22-Oct-12 02:09:55

You didn't do anything wrong - but I would have stepped in much sooner.

I am not anti smacking, I think it has its place, but not by a grandparent (unless in full time care of the child), not on a 2 year old and not a beating lying over his knee and certainly not for not instantly picking up a few toys angry Nasty bastard would not be near my kids and certainly never alone with them again and woe betide him if he ever did it again angry

What did your sister say on the way home.

BeingBooyhoo Mon 22-Oct-12 02:11:08

i had to confront my dad last year and stand my ground when he lost his temper with me infront of my son. i refused to go back to his house or let my dcs be there until he promised to look at his temper and deal with it. it worked. he came to my house and he let me speak honestly about how he terrified me as a child and how i refused to let him do it to my dcs. he cried and said he never realised how i felt or what he had done and he agreed it would never happened again. it never has. i didn't believe he could control it but he has. he hasn't lost his temper infront of me or my dcs ever since. i am glad i stood my ground.

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Mon 22-Oct-12 02:11:21

You did EXACTLY the right thing.

I would definitely never leave your DN alone with your father again. If he tells other people that Grandad hit him, it could lead to Social Services getting involved and then your DSis might not have a choice about whether to keep allowing contact.

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:11:29

I won't be apologising for stopping the spanking, definitely not. I just don't know whether I should even make an effort to keep the family together any more. I could wait until he calms down and try to talk to him about it again but he's adamant he's in the right.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 22-Oct-12 02:12:19

Have Christmas somewhere else and don't invite him. How can you be close to someone who treats your nephew like that and you like that?? My Dad would never push me like that, never - no matter what and he would never smack a grandchild like that (even though we got the occasional smack as children).

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:13:54

DSis was furious. She has already told him she doesn't want him smacking her son, and that he did it while she was not in the room, so if I hadn't have been there he would have been able to do it.

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:16:16

I don't want to drip feed so sorry if it seems that way, but my DF is actually really nice in the daytime. He drinks in the evening and it changes him. We normally go home when he starts but he must have been sneaking it early because this happened at 6:30pm and I could smell the alcohol on him when he got in my face.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 22-Oct-12 02:20:46

Your father is not big on discipline. He is big on BULLYING. Hitting is not discipline, it is just hitting, and he likes to hit people who can't hit back (hence his overreaction/fury at your DN's comment on smacking him). Hitting a 2.5 year old hard? Completely wrong. Pushing you when you remonstrated with him? Completely wrong.

I'd be texting him back telling him he was a lousy father and is now a worse grandfather, and that for someone so apparently keen on discipline, he shows very little of it himself. angry He is an arse.

"What else could I have done in that situation?"
Hard to say. I think you did pretty well. You stood up for your young nephew. It may help stop your father in future, it may not. He likes to hit the powerless (you've said he doesn't hit you now you are adults), perhaps if he thinks you (and your sister) will retaliate he will hang back. He'll always be a bully though.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 22-Oct-12 02:26:28

X-posted.

You've said " We were spanked, belted etc., regularly for the smallest things." and that " my DF is actually really nice in the daytime" [before he has started drinking].

Does this mean he had always been drinking when he hit you as children?

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:27:13

WhereYou, I have been tempted, but I don't want to detract from the point I was trying to drill into him earlier. I kept texting back the same message, that it is not ok to spank someone elses child without their permission, and the pure fact that it was in his house (which is the excuse he kept using) doesn't change that.

He was trying to goad me into an argument earlier by repeatedly bringing up that I have no children (I can't have children) so I should have no opinion.

addictedtooverreacting Mon 22-Oct-12 02:29:01

No, not always. Towards the end, yes, it was usually when he'd had a drink, but he's always been very strict, even before he started drinking every night.

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