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aibu? falling into a strange affair, so lost, so unhappy, I know it is wrong but it feels so right

(29 Posts)
greycoyote Sun 21-Oct-12 23:43:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 21-Oct-12 23:48:00

No. You should not see him again. You are right about that.

I suggest you end your marriage properly before starting any new relationships. It is the proper thing to do. Divide your assets, move on, and get a proper contact arrangement with your kids drawn up, I reckon 50/50 custody is the norm these days?

FutTheShuckUp Sun 21-Oct-12 23:49:05

Avoid him.
He is probably chancing his arm for a quick shag. If you have issues and refer to yourself as 'needy' getting involved emotionally or sexually with a married man will make it ten times worse.
Get some relationship therapy and make your own relationship work

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Oct-12 23:50:59

No it's not a good idea to see this man again if you feel this way about him.

You do need to sort your relationship out though ( both you and your DH ) because from reading your OP, you sound as though you think you're doing your DH a favour by saying you'll never leave him.

Sorry if that's wrong, but it's how it comes across to me.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 21-Oct-12 23:52:07

Life is a shit sometimes isn't it sad

How do you think your DH would react/feel if you told him about this and how you feel about L?

beitou Sun 21-Oct-12 23:54:25

Pull your kickers up and grow up

FutTheShuckUp Sun 21-Oct-12 23:55:42

Learn to spell properly and grow up smile

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Oct-12 23:55:54

How do you think your DH would react/feel if you told him about this and how you feel about L?

And just as importantly how would you react if your DH told you he spent a couple of nights gazing into another woman's eyes with a 'massive cloud of desire and sadness' over the pair of them?

beitou Sun 21-Oct-12 23:57:47

Sorry knickers, now do stfu yourself dear. The OP wants to drop them for someone she has gazed into his eyes for, im a bit mor e grown up than you missy

greycoyote Sun 21-Oct-12 23:58:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore Mon 22-Oct-12 00:00:20

You can't see him again, because it's tortourous for both of you.

I really REALLY feel for you. Do not go out with him again.

Put your energies into your DH... don't demand cuddles, give them etc., (I'm sure you've tried that!) Put your energies into your marriage. See how it goes. Give it time. Straight talking with your DH, you cannot go on feeling unloved/unlusted if it's something you need. Try and find a path with your DH that suits you both.

If after 6 months of open, honest, talked about effort things don't change, then you have to discuss the end... if your DH still can't fulfil you, then don't settle of a life of dissatisfaction. In a YEAR, if you're single, get in touch, he probably won't want to take that step anyway, you'll probably be after something different, but cease all contact for now.

I was there. Shit it was horrible. When I walked away I saught out the one who'd woke me up and found he wasn't all that after all, and then spent a few years alone. It was painful, but less painful than an affair. Been happily married now for 12 years to someone entirely different! Good luck x

greycoyote Mon 22-Oct-12 00:00:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Mon 22-Oct-12 00:00:40

How would you feel about not seeing your kids every day?

How do you know he wont go for either full or shared custody?

Ullena Mon 22-Oct-12 00:02:05

Seduce the hell out of your husband and scratch that itch! Or be honest about your unhappiness and end the relationship. One or the other, but no, an affair is a bad idea, especially with this man. He has spotted your vulnerability and is playing on it. Sorry to say it but L is only ever going to use your affection for him to his own selfish ends...and how about his wife?

FutTheShuckUp Mon 22-Oct-12 00:03:04

whispers do not feed the troll envy (that's a troll face btwgrin)

greycoyote Mon 22-Oct-12 00:03:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Mon 22-Oct-12 00:03:41

Why do you assume that if you split up, 'he' couldn't see the kids every day?

Would you automatically get custody of them or something?

If you do have an affair and your DH hated being apart from his Dad so much, why wouldn't he go for custody and win?

Do you want to take that chance?

Do you know this guy doesn't stare with a 'massive cloud of desire and sadness' into the eyes of every married woman he meets?

mynewpassion Mon 22-Oct-12 00:04:00

Sure he's not going to care that you find L attractive because he trusts you. He would care an awful lot if you told him that you want to have an affair with L.

See the difference.

WorraLiberty Mon 22-Oct-12 00:05:09

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Snap!

It pisses me off sometimes on MN with the automatic assumption that the woman will always get the kids no matter who fucks the marriage up.

midseasonsale Mon 22-Oct-12 00:05:17

I think you need to arrange some couples counselling with DH. Ignore the gloom. Just book it and give him the date. Tell him to be there or call it a day.

mynewpassion Mon 22-Oct-12 00:06:01

And with DH's background, he might fight tooth and nail to get custody.

greycoyote Mon 22-Oct-12 00:09:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoleSource Mon 22-Oct-12 00:10:04

Agree with Ullena. Gazing into each others eyes means he want a quick shag. Wants you to make first move so,he can blame you. Dump him and leave your husband if your are unhappy.l

TheReturnOfBridezilla Mon 22-Oct-12 00:11:01

I can only spot one problem spelling. Considering the length of the post that's pretty good. grin

You're feeling unfulfilled which sucks. Years of missing out on physical and emotional affection are spread in front of you and the future looks empty and bleak. I completely get that.

But this guy isn't the answer. He isn't the one, he's just the one who has turned up at this time, when you are feeling this way. When you look at him objectively, he isn't what you want. You didn't even fancy him before and you definitely dont have the depth of feeling for him that you have for your husband, it's just the kind of attraction you probably haven't felt towards him for a while, what with the marriage and kids and general life scenario. Yes, a bit of affection and sex might make you feel better and- --alive in the short term but then what? Can you see yourself leaving your husband and children for him, him leaving his family for you, you two being happy together? It's not worth it.

Acknowledge it for what it is, a passing infatuation because you are feeling physically and emotionally bereft and use it to work, work, work away at your relationship. Find a way because this is a disaster waiting to happen and a potential source of unhappiness for everyone involved, particularly you.

larks35 Mon 22-Oct-12 00:13:07

Its a non-starter you and L. He's married, you're married so if you do go ahead you'll fuck up two families for the sake of a few sizzling shags followed by untold guilt and fallout.

I agree with Ullena, you say you love your DH well prove it! If seducing him doesn't work, talk to him about it. If he's aware you're looking elsewhere, he may well think counselling is a good idea.

Sorry OP, I know it can be hard at times but "through good times and bad blah blah".

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