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Friend being "off"

(26 Posts)
Joiningthegang Sun 21-Oct-12 15:13:35

Hi - just pondering - i have a frien - been frinds 10plus yrs, i inadvertently may have annoyed her as my dd began an afterschool club ehich meant she couldnt meet up with her dd afterschool as they had been dOing (different schools). I did ask if her dd wanted to join the club but she said no.

Ever since she has been very "off". I think if i ask she will dissmiss it that i am being paranoid (i am not, she is being very "off")

Insuch situations does the aibu jury think it is better to ignore and hope it blows over or confront. I am more a not confrontig school if thought.

Aibu to ignore and hope it blows over ir should i confront?

skateboarder Sun 21-Oct-12 15:19:07

If she really is in a huff about that, can you imagine what she'd be like if you made a small mistake.
Yabu to even bother about maintaining a friendship.

quesadilla Sun 21-Oct-12 15:46:41

I'd probably ask her, actually... (not a great confronted either). But if she really is that petty she will probably realise when asked to articulate it. Its also possible you have the wrong end of the stick and it's something unrelated. In my experience some of the biggest issues between friends take place at cross purposes. You will either clear the air or figure out she is petty and silly.

Frontpaw Sun 21-Oct-12 15:51:33

It may well not be all to do with that. Maybe she is just having a crap time and the time the kids spent together got her out of the house/gave her kid free time/let her have a coffee and natter with you? Maybe her child hasn't made friends at the other school and is upset at not going to be with her friend (can mum afford an extra?). Hope its all ok.

BackOnceAgainWithLoopyLoops Sun 21-Oct-12 15:52:37

Just ignore. You're grown-ups.

Joiningthegang Sun 21-Oct-12 16:11:19

Thank you x

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 17:45:42

I would definitely 'confront' her. But in a very non-confrontational way if you see what I mean. Just ask her if she is ok because you have noticed that she hasn't been herself lately - put the ball in her court. Don't mention the after-school club - act really innocent. But I'm sorry - life is far too short to put up with this sort of rubbish and people being in a huff. Let us know what you decide to do.

NoWayNoHow Sun 21-Oct-12 18:02:41

I'll be watching this thread with interest as I'm in a similar(ish) situation with my cousin. She has defriended me, my sister, my dad and her own sister on FB and isn't responding to texts. I've tried to add her again as a friend on FB, but nothing yet. Have NO idea what we're apparently done, but don't really know how to raise the issue without sounding precious...

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 18:12:43

Nowaynohow - I think I remember a thread about this. Am I right? Still nothing from your cousin? Are you in touch with anyone else who she is speaking to? Could you phone her? TBH after a while I just give up on people like this - far too much effort and life is far too short.

mynewpassion Sun 21-Oct-12 18:22:57

They might be totally unrelated and not be about you at all. You might be just be a bit sensitive. She might be having some personal issues that you know nothing about and she's dealing it and can't be BFFs at the moment.

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 18:29:01

Mynewpassion - but surely good friends don't suddenly become 'off' like this? Or if they are a little offhand one day then they very quickly realise and apologise? I'm all for being understanding when people have a lot on their plate but seriously it doesn't excuse people suddenly being 'off' or rude.

NoWayNoHow Sun 21-Oct-12 18:33:08

Ken, yes still nothing. Nothing now for almost a month. We were in very regular FB contact, and quite regular text contact. Just so odd. Am thinking about emailing her sister (who has also been defriended) and seeing if something's going on.

OP, I'd maybe go with the idea of saying, "Is everything alright, you haven't seemed yourself recently?" and see what she says from that...

aquashiv Sun 21-Oct-12 18:36:59

I would ask her if she is alright would be more out of concern rather than confrontation. Could be somehting nothing to do with you at all.

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 18:37:49

NoWay - really sorry to hear that. It is worrying. Does she live near you? Could you just drop round?

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 18:38:52

Sorry op for going off thread and getting an update from NoWay BTW!! Just wondered how things were going!

mynewpassion Sun 21-Oct-12 18:39:37

Her friend is off. It could be that she couldn't meet up, can't talk long on the phone, not getting touch as frequently in the past, etc. These things aren't not all apology-needed incidents.

Maybe their main meet-ups was seeing each other when the DDs got together. Now, that they don't, they are going to see less of each other and will need to make time on other days. Also these meet ups gets stretched longer because life gets in the way and problems/stress adds to things. Just because they don't see each other every day doesn't mean that they aren't friends. Just different priorities now.

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 18:50:41

I totally agree that just because people don't see each other every day doesn't suddenly mean they aren't friends. In fact I couldn't agree more! However, what made me assume this was more than just a change in meet-ups and availability was the emphasis the OP made on the fact that her friend really is being 'off'. So I assume there is more to it than just getting used to a change in circumstances.

OP - could you perhaps tell us what you mean by 'off'? Some examples?

CrapBag Sun 21-Oct-12 19:23:39

I would think she is being incredibly silly if she is being off for something like this and it would question my level of friendship with her if something as simple as your child doing something different on the day you normally met bothered her this much.

I probably wouldn't say anything to her but see how the rest of her behaviour is. If she continued to be off but not have the courtesy to actually tell you why, then I would step back. What else would she get petty at in the future.

I have a friend who was going to get her DP to take their DD to a party a couple of weeks ago but the other friend whose DS' party it was got funny that it wouldn't be her friend bringing the child so my friend took the DD instead. True friends shouldn't get funny over stuff like this and it has made me think a bit more about the friend who had the party.

Joiningthegang Sun 21-Oct-12 20:36:48

Thank you for your lovely replies.

By "off" i mean being polite but it not feeling real, quite clipped conversation when i saw her at a mutual friends house. Asked if she wanted to do something in the school holiday with the dds and just got "we are busy all that week". All not so bad in writing, just feels very uncomfortable.

Nothing overtly "rude" so i feel if i say anything she could say "i dont know what you mean" in a bit of a passive aggressie way. Nothing like this has ever happened in all these years so seems a shame.

I might try to stop fretting about for a few weeks and see if whatever it is blows over, we all have theatre tickets together in late november so will wait and see.

Joiningthegang Sun 21-Oct-12 20:38:00

Noway - feel free to say more - shareing not hyjacking!

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 21:35:57

Joining - I think I know exactly what you mean. When you know someone as well as you obviously know your friend you can easily spot when they are not being normal with you. When you try to explain it to someone else it doesn't sound like anything but 'clipped conversation' is probably not usual with someone you have been close to. It's something that is hard to put your finger on but you just know they aren't being their usual selves with you.

My suggestion having read your subsequent post would be to let her get on with it for a while. Let her stew! She will be the one missing out. If she is still off with you in November then I would definitely have the 'is everything ok' conversation. Act innocent and tell her that you are very concerned about her. Good luck!

Joiningthegang Sun 21-Oct-12 21:44:17

I dont like ken or deirdre but you sound lovely - and this is just wht i will do!

Btw is this your 13 yr old son if so mrs kenanddeirdre you should be proud!

KenandDeirdre Sun 21-Oct-12 21:55:50

Thanks Joining! If you are referring to the 'poo' thread then yes it's him!

Keep us posted on what you do smile

Joiningthegang Sun 21-Oct-12 23:17:23

I thought that you may have been him a couple of posts back on here and you would be proud to have such a thoughtful and sensitive son. Now i know it was about poo hahahahaha!!!!

KenandDeirdre Mon 22-Oct-12 15:06:26

Lol! Not so sensitive really grin

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