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to say DD can't stay with her father for an extra night, and to refuse to ring him to discuss it?

(112 Posts)
QueenOfFlamingEffigies Sun 21-Oct-12 08:11:27

There is lots of background to this (7 years worth [rolleyes]) but I will try and keep it to the bare bones and avoid drip feeding.

DD is 9. Her father walked out on us when she was 2, and has made very little effort to stay involved in her life since then. He refuses to speak to me (he's a bit strange like that - he has 3 DC by 3 women and won't speak to any of the mothers hmm)

After years of difficulties, we have come to the current situation, which is that I arrange by text and email with his parents (who he lives with) when DD will visit them. As I now live about 100 miles from them, I take DD to my parents house which is about halfway, and the GPs collect her from there. This has been working fine for the last couple of years.

For this half term, I asked his parents a month in advance if they would like DD to visit and explained that it could be for no more than 4 days as I had some things I wanted to do with her as well. They sent a reply saying "Yes great, our car is in the garage on 24th so how is sat 20th to tue 23rd" to which I agreed. I've heard no more since then apart from to confirm collection time.

They came to collect her from my parent's yesterday, and GM asked my mum (I'd had to go before they arrived) if DD could stay an extra couple of nights as they didn't feel they were having her for long enough and that it wasn't really 4 days when you took travelling time into consideration. My mum said it wasn't up to her and told them to talk to me about it. I then get a text from GF saying "[EX] want's to discuss [DD's] visit with you, please can you ring him about it"

I sent a message back pointing out that I can't ring Ex as he refuses to give me his mobile number hmm and that I wasn't prepared to change the days now as it was too short notice. Since then I have had 4 texts from GF's phone, firstly asking me to ring on that number (why the fuck could he not just ring me then??), followed by three messages giving me DD's father's number and repeating the request that I ring him.

I think this is Not On for several reasons - DD is going for the days that THEY ASKED FOR for a start, and if Ex wants to be involved in the arrangements he should do so when they are being bloody well made. I refuse to be drawn into discussion about extra days at this stage. He also can bugger off texting demands that I ring him. He can ring me himself if he suddenly feels the need to get involved. That's not unreasonable, right?

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 21-Oct-12 08:14:52

No - what is wrong with him? Bizarre behaviour TBH. Communicate with the GPs

Numberlock Sun 21-Oct-12 08:14:55

What does your daughter want to do? How often does she see her dad?

AThingInYourLife Sun 21-Oct-12 08:15:21


Funnylittleturkishdelight Sun 21-Oct-12 08:18:11

Is it possible it is your ex texting from the gp's phone?

Say no, no way. Totally nbu.

TheProvincialLady Sun 21-Oct-12 08:18:19

Not unreasonable in the slightest.

tittytittyhanghang Sun 21-Oct-12 08:19:10

What numberlock said? Are you taken dd on holiday abroad or something which has been paid for and cant be refunded? Or is it just the principle?

QueenOfFlamingEffigies Sun 21-Oct-12 08:19:16

Numberlock - DD would probably be very happy to stay another day or two. She sees them for a few days every half term, and for a week at Easter and summer holidays. The GPs also come a few times a year for day visits but Ex doesn't usually come with them (no idea why not, he is unemployed so not like he has a good reason not to hmm)

Numberlock Sun 21-Oct-12 08:21:03

Let her go then.

Nagoo Sun 21-Oct-12 08:23:04

In your circumstances, YANBU.

I wouldn't converse with anyone to negotiate anything under those circumstances. You've said no, that's that.

You should have some time with her in half term too.

QueenOfFlamingEffigies Sun 21-Oct-12 08:23:28

titty - we had plans to spend a couple of nights with my parents and have a family day out with them and her cousins. That could be changed, but I just think why should it be? Ex and his parents had a month to talk to me about this and I don't think it is reasonable of them to want to change it at the last minute. They are all shit communicators, hence me making sure everything is arranged in a written format that i can refer them back to if they try to rewrite history (not unknown behaviour!)

seeker Sun 21-Oct-12 08:23:45

Ring your dd, find out what she would like to do then do that. Simple.

QueenOfFlamingEffigies Sun 21-Oct-12 08:24:39

And yes, I think Ex was texting me himself from his dad's phone - so he could easily have just rung me if he felt the need to talk to me hmm

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sun 21-Oct-12 08:25:59

Number lock that's absurd.

1. Why should the holiday time be unevenly split? The OP deserves quality holiday time with her DD.

2. It sets a nasty precedent of her ex being able to change plans last minute in a demanding, dictating and controlling way. Not good for her dd's sense of boundaries and not good for the way she views her mother or father.

ToothbrushThief Sun 21-Oct-12 08:28:59

It sounds like both of you are refusing to talk to each other here? Not just him.

I would reply back via text. I expect DD back as agreed unless you have rung me to discuss and we have agreed this.

cansu Sun 21-Oct-12 08:29:16

Yabu if further communication occurs I would say that you have plans and that any changes need to made and agreed in advance. I would also consider formalising these arrangements as I can foresee this could be the start of lots of difficulties. Your ex may decide he wants to see more of his dd either because he wants to genuinely or to piss you off. Clearly it is easy for him at the moment as the GP most likely are the ones taking care of your dd making it easy for him to be around but not responsible.

QueenOfFlamingEffigies Sun 21-Oct-12 08:30:17

I have spent years getting things to this point where arrangements are made in a civilised way and then stuck to. I not inclined to start letting Ex dick about with it now. He wants input into the arrangements, he is welcome to it - at the appropriate time though.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sun 21-Oct-12 08:30:32

Yy reply to say no- happy to discuss future dates but too late for changes to this visit.

mellowcat Sun 21-Oct-12 08:31:59

I would stick with the arranged times, as everyone knows where they are, especially your daughter. I would try to do it in a lighthearted, friendly way saying something like, 'Sorry, we've got plans for the rest of the week, but maybe we could think about a longer visit next time when can you call me to discuss it' emphasising the importance of planning in advance!

Numberlock Sun 21-Oct-12 08:32:09

The issues are getting mixed up here ie the OPs relationship with ex vs the daughter spending more time with her dad.

Let her go, she's of an age where her opinion should be taken into consideration and there will still be time for her to do stuff with her mum's side of the family. Half term is at least 9 days including weekends.

seeker Sun 21-Oct-12 08:33:19

What does your dd want to do?

Numberlock Sun 21-Oct-12 08:34:52

Seeker - she said she'd probably be happy to go for an extra day or two.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sun 21-Oct-12 08:35:13

If your DD for wants to stay longer then let her. Just because her father is an arse to you, doesn't mean she shouldn't be allowed to see him if that is what she wants.

If she is not fussed and it is just her dad wants her for longer then YANBU.

Be careful though, it sounds to me that you are very close to using your daughter to get back at your ex, and that is not on.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 21-Oct-12 08:35:14

Yanbu. Whole thing is ridiculous. I'm sorry bit when u rooming after children u need to be able to communicate with the person taking care of them. The whole three way text thing is bonkers and that is how mistakes r made, how everyone gets confused and a poor child ends up stuck in the middle. My child wouldn't be staying with anyone who wouldn't talk to me as I would need to be sure that texts hadn't been mid typed or mud read sad

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 21-Oct-12 08:35:47

Looking not rooming grrr stupid phone

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