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neighbours disastrous life I've had enough AIBU?

(72 Posts)
BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:32:53

seriously, flame me, call me a cold hearted cow, say I'm no sister, cos i need to know what the fuck to do....... so, she moved in with her ape of a boyfriend about 5 months ago, and a little 3 yr old girl, and baby 2 weeks from delivery.
At first, we thought they were ace, a light in the pensioner tunnel that is our area.
Then after drinking with them (him) a few times, realized he's a sexist, racist pig. So! broke all contact just about, until recently, she came to the door, really upset, saying she's so sorry she hasn't been round, and can we be friends, I never really had a problem with her, except to say she never stood up for herself, AND told me once she thought i fancied her boyfriend, and should stay away??!!
So she's been round CONSTANTLY and saying he's punched all the walls through, has given her a black eye, has really turned on the little girl (not his) this little girl, is an amazing kid, and she spent LOADS of time here in the summer, playing with my little boy, her Dad was an abuser and she was taken from her mum for 6 weeks til she left him.
right, so sad tale, but these past weeks, I've done EVERYTHING for them, she doesn't drive, so I've been running errands etc, and she keeps turning up at night saying he's kicking off, all of which is upsetting my OH by now, and the kids are getting increasingly scared. It's really affecting my family life now, and she WON'T tell him to go?! I know it's not that easy, and I'm really trying to be sympathetic, but her 3 year old is wetting the bed again,and developing all sorts of anxiety related behaviours, if she won't put the kids first, and save herself and them from him, why should i keep pissing my oh off, and upsetting my family for her?
right go one then! I'm ready........

MairyHinge Sat 20-Oct-12 12:37:09

I see your point completely...there's only so much help you can give! Personally I'd tell her either kick him out or I'm reporting to ss. That child is scared of him, obviously, and he's not protecting her. You can't do anymore!!

honeytea Sat 20-Oct-12 12:40:22

Call ss poor kids sad

Birnamwood Sat 20-Oct-12 12:42:33

Agree with Mary and honey I'm afraid sad

As awful as it is, she might need this kick up the bum to get rid of her bf

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:43:10

I can't imagine calling SS though, she's only just out from under them after the last bloke, literally about month and half ago. I really want to help her, but she just keeps saying "but i love him" GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

WofflingOn Sat 20-Oct-12 12:43:12

Where could she go if she leaves him, you said she moved in with him?
What reasons is she giving you for her staying?
She should call the police every time he is threatening and abusive, from black eyes to damaging walls. Do they own the property, or is a landlord involved?
Those poor children who have no choice and no protector. You have my sympathy, your children must be very confused too.

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:44:43

she said he was going today (again) and i saw him outside, and he said he was going to hospital (broke hand punching wall last night) then to his mums cos it's just not working, then got a text from her to say, she was with him trying to sort things out

ProphetOfDoom Sat 20-Oct-12 12:45:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WofflingOn Sat 20-Oct-12 12:45:40

'I can't imagine calling SS though, she's only just out from under them after the last bloke, literally about month and half ago. I really want to help her, but she just keeps saying "but i love him" GRRRRRRRRR!!!!'

Pathetic abused and without any sense of self-worth. What chance do her children have of not entering the system? The abuser needs to go, but if she will do nothing to facilitate that, what are the odds of him being dealt with?
You could ask for this to be put in relationships, there might be useful advice to be offered.

MrsDeVere Sat 20-Oct-12 12:46:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:46:29

woffling, good questions.....
1, the house is hers (council)
2, when she has threatened to call police, he says he will do her for benifit fraud (don't think he's declared as living there)
3, she 'loves' him ??????

ProphetOfDoom Sat 20-Oct-12 12:46:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gimblinginthewabe Sat 20-Oct-12 12:47:28

Write down all the incidents she tells you about and call SS, those children are not safe.

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:48:13

They were interested mrsdevere, they looked at him because he was drinking strongbow in the labour room!!?? (new baby) But they have dropped it now.

WofflingOn Sat 20-Oct-12 12:48:15

Then he needs to be gone, and she needs a backbone.
Loves him? What about the children?

Birdsgottafly Sat 20-Oct-12 12:48:46

I can't imagine calling SS though, she's only just out from under them after the last bloke

Then she has a history of abuse and is still in the cycle of being in abusive relationships.

You cannot help her, all that you can do is protect the children (and her) by reporting this.

She will not leave him without the help from services, if this isn't the first time. She only doesn't have them involved because they have fooled SS that everything is fine.

It is probably what is behind the move, unless you speak out then her or the children are going to be injured, or even killed.

The children are at the very least going to be emotionally damaged.

Inneedofbrandy Sat 20-Oct-12 12:49:38

In these cases you need to think of her children and put them first since she is unable to. I would call ss esp since he's turning on the little girl. Think of babyP and his step dad.

honeytea Sat 20-Oct-12 12:49:50

I do feel bad for her only just coming out of tge ss system but in this case yiu need to do what's best for the kids not what is best for the mum.

It sounds like she isn't good at keeping herself and her children safe sad

Birdsgottafly Sat 20-Oct-12 12:50:39

He will use her losing residency of the children against her (i see this daily).

Only you can help her out of this by reporting this and encouraging her to work with services.

Birdsgottafly Sat 20-Oct-12 12:51:40

As well as baby P, think of the many women killed and disabled (the woman who was blinded recently) by her partner, daily.

Musomathsci Sat 20-Oct-12 12:52:44

She will keep on running to you and this will take over your life if you let it. Call social services and put an end to this situation. She may hate you for it, but at least you will be able to sleep at night. Those kids are damaged already, and things can only get worse for them if you stand by and do nothing. She may be a lost cause, but they don't have to be.

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:53:24

he told me himself today outside, if i don't go I'm going to hurt her. He said that's why he punched the wall last night.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 20-Oct-12 12:53:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:53:59

How will i sleep if that little girl is in the system? There must be another way?

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 20-Oct-12 12:54:41

And yeah, taking over my life is about right.

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