To want my BIL to move out of my house (he stays rent free)

[Hanikam]

My BIL got into some trouble nearly 3 yrs ago. He was living with my mil and fil in East London. Dropped out of college, no job, sleeping all day, out all night. He fell in with a group of coke dealers and got busted. The raid didn't find anything in their house except weed, which is such low priority the whole stash got left behind.
Anyways, long story short, only me and dh were willing to give him benefit of doubt. Dh dropped everything and put up his bail money, brought him home from Brixton Prison. He was on a tag for a few months. I got him a voluntary job at BHF charity shop. Court appearances dragged on. He was charged after a year, but was the only one from the gang given a suspended (ie non custodial) sentence which finishes in Jan 2013.
We got fed up with him moping around the house, sleeping till 3, so dh made him go for a job open day. Luckily, he got it cos the CRB check came back clean (lucky, it hadn't been updated at that time )
Now he's been working for nearly two years, been a good boy (he's 23)..... But he pays no rent, makes zero contribution to the household and is living like an unpaid lodger, not a family member.
Now, I have 3 dcs, the eldest is nearly 11 and she is starting puberty. She really needs her own room, not to be sharing with her two brothers any more.
AIBU to think BIL has outstayed his welcome, and should start standing on his own two feet?

Advice please. I want him out, tactfully! God I had no idea he'd be with us so long

[Hopandaskip]

start having loud sex in public areas of the house.

[Hopandaskip]

oh sorry, you said tactful.

How about, 'so, did you have a plan about where you are going to live next? Oh, here's a cup of tea'

[Hanikam]

Ha ha! Actually he did catch us at it in the conservatory!

[defineme]

You've done your bit. Your dh has to tell him:blame it all on dd's puberty-he'll be so mortified at the mention of a 11 yrold and periods he'll leave.

[Hanikam]

Ok, maybe I've overdone the "tactful" part. Losing patience with him now. Why can't he flat share or something?

Alright, gulp, ANY ideas for getting him to move on?

[Hanikam]

going to bed now so it's a post n run, I will be back in the morning since I am in desperate need of a cunning plan (anyone remember Baldrick?)

[JeezyOrangePips]

Just be honest. Tell him you need the room for your DD. give him notice, and once that is up, if he hasn't moved out, tell him that he can sleep on the sofa till he finds somewhere, maybe?

[Hanikam]

Not bad at all, but he'll sleep on the sofa till1pm if he has a late shift, so effectively blocking the whole lounge.
Come on mums net peeps, you can do better than this! All advice considered

[ZovutZovut]

I had this recently with a cousin-in-law (is that a word..). It took a direct 'we did the room for x, you need to be out on y' to get him out. After years of housework rotas and hints. He probably will talk to us again one day. Because all he remembers is being 'kicked out', not the years of free-board and maid service!

[midseasonsale]

Have a heart to heart with him. Or let your DH do it. Provide a list of rooms in shared houses/one bed flats. Tell him you have really enjoyed having him but that it's time to move on. Say you will help him look at places/rooms and help him make the move but your DD needs her room back. Explain that she is hitting pubity and that it's not appropriate for an 11 year old girl to be sharing with 2 young boys. Set a dead line - end of November.

[midseasonsale]

Take him to view houses/flats/rooms and if by the end of November he is still in your house and taking the piss, ask him to move out and stay with his friends.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

Make your H tell him to sling his hook

and if your H won't do it, you will have to

stop being so polite...you have gone above and beyond the call of duty

[aldiwhore]

YANBU, in fact you are the absolute epitomy of reasonableness.

If you want him out, you have to say so. If you want him to contribute, you have to say so.

PART of his 'recovery' is staying clean, the real test for him is whether he can be self sufficient AND clean (by clean I mean, y'know, normal!) you need to talk with your DH about this, get him thinking that the 'right' thing to do by his brother is to help him set himself up independantly (or pay going rate rent) then have a heart to heart with your BIL.

He doesn't actually sound like the devil, but you're giving him a very easy ride here, to the detrement of your family set up... I think the first step is to get your DH completely onside, if he thinks it's his idea and he has your support you may have a chance at finding a solution, even if the immediate 'solution' is him paying his way... it may eventually lead to him moving out (soon).

[olgaga]

Why on earth doesn't your DH tell him to get his arse in gear? You've been an absolute saint to put up with it for 3 years.

He's been working for 2 years, contributes nothing, and I bet he hasn't saved a penny.

He needs to stop treating you like mugs!

[midseasonsale]

During November start to openly collect things for your DD - paint for your DD's walls, a lamp in pink, pony posters for the walls, a new purple bed cover etc. Get your DD excited and have a formal date set to paint, decorate and move her in the room. 1st of December? Make sure BIL knows you are doing all this.

[AgentZigzag]

Does he actually know you want him out?

He could be under the illusion he's doing you a favour somehow and is part of the furniture now.

I'd try dropping hints to start with (if you haven't already) and then just ratchet it up ending on a 'You have three weeks [too long?] to get out of my fucking house before I throw you and your belongings out physically'.

He could be using the 'nothing's expected of me' excuse to himself to not strike out on his own. Either that or he's perhaps terrified of going it alone? Fearing he's the same person he was when he was drifting, not realising he can do it if he wants to.

Go in gently, then turn on the dog with a bone stance.

He seems to have done OKish not getting into any more trouble since then, and you must like him a bit to have let it go on for three years. No need to make him feel like shit with the way you do it, enable him rather than force him possibly?

[JeezyOrangePips]

Don't allow him to block the living room. Just say that he has to be up by (say) 8am as it is a family home, and the living room needs to be used.

[ratspeaker]

I've got to ask why you've never asked for rent since he got his job 2 years ago????
Does he pay any expenses toward living with you?


so as to the current situation, have you discussed with your DH the fact your daughter needs her own room?
If so, you need to include BIL in this talk. look at options, have you looked into moving to a larger house so as to accommodate your BIL, of course BIL would have to pay toward this, quote the going rate for room rental in your area.
Then include BIL share of bills inc council tax, tv license, gas , electric, etc

Or
can BIL move into his own flat, would your council help if he was "evicted" by you and DH
Or
can BIL afford a private rental?
Would he need help with references and deposit, can you and your DH provide these?


If you've not discussed this with your DH you really really need to.
now



or
your BIL can swap his room for the bed your daughter has now, BIL is now sharing with his nephews

or
your daughter gets BIL room, BIL sleeps in living room/kitchen/hall/bathroom/cupboard (pick whatever suits -after all your DD is part of the family paying for the house- he really isn't )

[ratspeaker]

Reading the bit about him blocking the living room
Id have Jeremy Vile on full volume from early doors and telling him to budge up on sofa to watch it


Can BIL move into conservatory?


Have you got a shed?...

[Alligatorpie]

I like the idea of telling him that you need to change the sleeping arrangements. He can share with the two younger boys, and dd gets her own room.
I would imagine that would get him out!

Does he at least provide childcare or buy groceries?

[Freshbloodletticia]

Arf at catching you at it in the conservatory. Isn't that like the most exposed room in the house in which to have sex? 'People in glass houses shouldn't...'
I agree with swapping him to the boys' room. That will soon put him off.

[pinklady1107]

I had this problem with my fil and after a yr discovered I was pg again, so after repeated requests I told my now exdh that unless his dad moved out within a month I would go, bit severe but it worked - he was gone within a month

Hope he goes soon xx

[FlangelinaBallerina]

If they're in London and he's 23, the odds of him getting anything not hideous from the local council are very low. They might well accept a duty to accommodate him if he's kicked out, but it won't be pretty. Probably b and b or something shared.

This is not to say OP shouldn't ask him to move btw, it sounds like she has no alternative. Just that everyone involved should be aware of the options. Realistically if he can't stay with them or any other friend or relative, he needs to be looking at private rental options. Unless he's well paid, that's going to be a room in a house share, in the London market. This is likely to require a deposit. OP doesn't mention whether BIL has savings. If he does, great, if he doesn't then some local councils have a scheme you can apply to for money for a deposit on a private rental (anything to get people off the social housing waiting lists. If yours doesn't and he has no money OP, you might end up helping him out with one- probably the easiest thing for your conscience.

[Astelia]

I agree that DH needs to talk to him and give him a deadline about when he should move out so DD can have the room.

In the meantime how about having a family conference about responsibilities and get your DD to talk to DBIL about what he contributes to the family. Does she know you are spending the family cash on him and he is paying nothing? Children like everything to be fair- I suspect she would be horrified. It might shame him into some action.

[ENormaSnob]

He needs to move out.

Completely unfair on your dd to share while the scrounging twat gets a rent free room.