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AIBU to be angry about ex getting engaged after 7 week internet relationship?

(46 Posts)
JoAlone Fri 19-Oct-12 21:51:11

Seperated last Jan, divorced Dec. Everything was amicable, and I made an effort to keep it so for DD (14yrs). Suddenly ex started dating girl in SA, (we come from there, moved here 11 yrs ago). He flew over 6 wks after first starting to chat and got engaged, planning to marry in Dec and move over there.

Few issues. I had a bit of a 'reaction' when I found out via fb of his new relationship, even though I was still treating him like a friend and had seen him that very day, without him breathing a word to me, so was insulted that he didn't tell me in person, out of respect.

Since then, after apologizing for my outburst (about the way he handled it rather than him being in a relationship), he has behaved as though I have a problem, and has started treating me worse and worse, eventually only communicating directly with DD.

DD has had enough of this, and of him, and has now decided she wants no contact with him whatsoever. I think they are just moving way too fast for her.

AIBU to think this is really stupid, engaged after 7 weeks, married after 5 months, and he is treating me like I am the one who is being difficult and turning his daughter against him? She is very independently minded and told him herself tonight when he told me over the phone that he didn't believe she was saying this, that it was all me.

MadgeHarvey Fri 19-Oct-12 22:16:20

It is pretty stupid but I suppose stranger things have happened. Trouble is he's not really your concern any more - unfortunately it's very difficult to tell someone they're making a mistake even if it's obvious to everyone else - nobody wants to hear it do they? It's a shame about your DD's broken relationship with her father but she's clearly of an age now where she can make those decisions. I suppose the best you can do is detach and let him get on with it even though that might be difficult for you.

JoAlone Fri 19-Oct-12 22:24:52

Tx, the hardest thing is being blamed for the breakdown in his and DD relationship, when all I am doing is trying to look out for her best interests. If it wasn't for her I would have no contact with him at all, he was/is emotionally abusive.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Fri 19-Oct-12 22:30:02

You didn't think this was a relationship that predated your separation then ?

These "new women" coming out of the blue have often been around a whole lot longer than the twunts are willing to admit to

Flojo1979 Fri 19-Oct-12 22:30:28

If your DD is 14, I don't see why u have any contact with him at all anyway. She's old enough to make her own arrangements, she doesn't need u getting involved. Leave them to it. I'm sure once he's married, your DD will settle and sort things out with him.
But not if your dripping poison in her about how stupid he is.
What's the poor bloke done other than fall in love with someone else?

WorraLiberty Fri 19-Oct-12 22:33:33

He sounds like he's making a huge mistake...but why has your DD had enough of her Father?

mutny Fri 19-Oct-12 22:34:01

These "new women" coming out of the blue have often been around a whole lot longer than the twunts are willing to admit to

Not really. They have been separated nearly 2 years, is that correct op. I would imagine if she was a OW she would have made an appearance sooner.

Besides which what's has that go to do with anything? The OP is asking about that.

VinegarTits Fri 19-Oct-12 22:45:19

tbh you sound very bitter, he is entitled to move on and what he does now is none of your business, your dd is old enough to make her own contact arrangements without you

HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 00:00:02

He's abusive, you know it, your dd knows it.

He's leaving the uk, and you and your dd will be free of him.

I understand your feelings are confusing, but let him go, he has no control over either of you anymore.

Your dd knows you're nor ruining her relationship with her dad, she knows more than you think.

Tbh, its better for everyone if she has little or no contact with him.

HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 00:01:12

If hes an abuser, the new wife will be his next victim. Thats the abuser script...

WorraLiberty Sat 20-Oct-12 00:07:40

OK I've read back twice now and how have we got to 'he is an abuser', "Your dd knows you're nor ruining her relationship with her dad, she knows more than you think"?? confused

The OP stated she had a bit of a 'reaction' (whatever that means) about this relationship even though it's not her business after being separated for nearly 2 years.

She then went on to say without explaining that her DD has had enough of her Father.

I don't think anyone can draw a reasonable unbiased opinion without more info to be fair.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 20-Oct-12 00:15:18

Worra, the OP said he was abusive.

OP if this is the case then I'd feel sorry for his next victim and thank your lucky stars he's gone.

HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 00:28:30

Op's second post Worra. smile

WorraLiberty Sat 20-Oct-12 00:31:59

Yes I read that

But I didn't read any example of it. All the OP offered us was the fact she herself over reacted to something that is not her business.

If she was in a relationship that her ex 'over reacted to' I'm sure by MN standards that may be seen as abusive behaviour too?

Still I don't see how anything the OP has posted points to the DD 'knowing more than she thinks?"

JoAlone Sat 20-Oct-12 08:23:47

Thanks for all the thoughts on this.
My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive. Examples of this would be: If we were in public, he would do or say something inflamatory, to get a response, something usually hurtful, when I would try to defend myself he would retort with something to make me feel small or stupid. My DD started to have a weight problem, so I asked that he limit treats to help her (when she was about 9), he would agree and then take her out for junk food and bring her back with bags of sweets and pastries etc. Any time I would try to have a discussion about helping her with the problem he would belittle or dismiss my concerns. I now realize it was because she was eating to soothe as he constantly put her in the middle of any argument. This is what made me leave, she actually at age 11 outright asked me to leave him.

I read loads of info about post divorce relationships with non-resident parents, and encouraged an ongoing relationship, but she ended up self-harming a few months later. I took her for therapy, and thank goodness she stopped, so have been listening to her concerns a lot more seriously since then.

I know his new relationship is none of my concern. And I am fully aware that she is merely his next victim, none of my business. Quite frankly if a woman is stupid enough to get engaged and plan to marry a man who she has only met once and knows via the internet, then she clearly has some issues herself, and they can make each other misreable. Of course he is 'Mr Wonderful' to her and everyone who wants to buy into it, but I will never again trust a charming man.

My 'moment', was: He had come round to discuss financial arrangements as DD has changed a few hobbies etc. He was far more 'challenging' than he had ever been before and started using words like 'I won't fund your lifestyle' (assume single mom in full time job without much style in my life). Up till this point we had always had a reasonable relationship post divorce, I made an effort. For example we would be able to have a cup of tea and a chat about stuff, he would often invite me to Sunday dinner when picking up DD, and I made an effort to include him in birthdays and other celebrations and school stuff. After he left, I turned on fb to see his new relationship status, I was very offended at him not giving me heads up (no need to discuss why or whether he had to, as a friend I would have expected more respect, but I realise I do not necesarrily deserve it, plus witholding information during our marriage was part of his abuse). The way he had handled this event/episode brought back all my anger, his abuse style of witholding information and attacking me verbally ,on a different matter to divert attention from his real purpose, so I stupidly poured my heart out in a message to him about how he never cared for me etc etc, I have apologised to him since. It was my 'Bridget Jones moment' and I am over it, it was stupid etc etc.

With him leaving the country it is a relief, but brings financial concerns for me, so have started to look at my legal options, especially as he is going to a country where middle aged white men have a very tough time with finding a job. But my options are limited.

My biggest concern is my DD. She is carrying the guilt of him blaming me for their relationship breakdown. I have attempted to reassure her that I don't mind being painted as the embittered ex, but that seems to be her main concern. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. He is choosing to have this whirlwind romance and move to another country. He has chosen to see me in one light only. I realise this suits his purpose, and I think the new woman, (who I don't believe was around beforehand, that was more a case of using prostitutes as I found out toward end of marriage, think he may have had affairs earlier on, but no proof) is a bit jealous of the relationship he and I used to have. She has been trying to make contact with DD on her own, which really angered me as DD had just found out ex got engaged and was still absorbing info.

HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 08:29:48

Worra, the dd is 14. Kids know way more than an abuse victim thinks they do. We think nobody else knows, its just not true.

Its not the op's post that tells me this, its experience through many many situations.

HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 08:31:30

And since when do we make a victim of dv prove her status?

HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 08:38:32

His gf tried to contact your dd? After a matter of weeks?

Shut down Fb love! HE can skype her if need be!

Do you talk openly (age Appropriately) about abuse and how her father is abusive towards you?

She needs to know that what he's saying is part of his control and manipulation

HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 08:40:58

He always put her in the middle of arguements, she's now doing that herself.

It'll take a while, but keep telling her the truth.

NonnoMum Sat 20-Oct-12 08:43:48

There was a report out the other day that said we should delete ex's from our FB friends list in order to move on with our own lives...

I appreciate it is hurtful, but he is a single man and so are you, and you are both free to have new relationships...

You could get married tomorrow if you want to...

2rebecca Sat 20-Oct-12 08:50:50

I think you do need to care less about your ex and his relationships. I tend to hear about my ex's new partners via my kids. They are teenagers, his love life is none of my business any more.
If he decided to have a whirlwind romance and move abroad my main concern would be the kids missing him when he moves.
I would detatch yourself from caring about his love life, not discuss your misgivings about his relationship with your daughter and just support her as she decides how much contact she wants to have with her father and gets used to the fact that he plans to move away.

WofflingOn Sat 20-Oct-12 08:53:49

Move on, support your daughter in however she wishes to continue her relationship with her father.
He's your ex, his choice of partner is no longer your concern.

AlmostAHipster Sat 20-Oct-12 08:54:55

Let him go - you know he's a twonk. If your girl doesn't want to see him, then that's her choice - what exactly is she upset about? That her dad's abusive? That she really wants to see more of him? That he's got engaged and emigrating? How is she carrying the guilt of him blaming you that she doesn't want to see him? I'm a bit lost on that bit.

You're right about the lack of job prospects in SA - my ex had to go to the Middle East for work - but that's his problem. Regarding maintenance, I was told that you'd have to go through the SA courts if you wanted to pursue it. If he doesn't want to pay towards his daughter's upkeep when he's over there, he doesn't have to, I'm afraid.

I think you're finally starting to release your anger that's been building up over the last 14 years (which I can understand). You've tried to be civilised and this toe rag has knocked you sideways, even when you're no longer together, he's still in control.

I do feel for you and wonder if some counselling might help (it didn't help me but I'm naturally too analytical) or getting some real life support from friends or some kind of group?

You do not need to have any sort of relationship with him now. You should move on - life is short and you've already wasted enough headspace on someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Proudnscary Sat 20-Oct-12 08:57:16

I agree with Hipster.

You have been through a long traumatic relationship with this arsehole.

But his relationship is not only not your business or concern - it's a total red herring. It's nothing. It's irrelevant.

You are focussing on the wrong thing. All that matters is your daughter (and yourself) and supporting her through her feelings about her father.

froggies Sat 20-Oct-12 09:12:57

I second the councelling for you, and perhaps your daughter too? My ex has just done exactly the same thing, but our DD's are 4&7, he got married 3 weeks ago, 7 months after introducing his gf to the girls, and although the girls knew it was going to happen at some point, they didn't know when until the day before. And he didn't tell me anything until he text to say the girls would be late from contact because his wedding had overrun (lucky for me the gossip drums had forewarned me).
Your daughter is bound to be pretty messed up by it, even more so with him havng a history of abusive behaviour. A little extra support for you both will not go amiss.
Oh, and you are not beng unreasonable to be angry about it (or at least about the way he has done it) but don't hold on to that anger, it won't do you any good.

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