Not to let my daughter go to play date because my friend smacks her children?

[AutumnGlory]

We have being friends for 5 years, we first met when our dds were babies and we have been having play dates when convenient for both of us, albeit children going to different schools, we busy with our jobs and her having more 2 children since, the play dates are not as often as it used to be. Anyway she is very open about people know how stressed she has been with 3 kids, how desperate she is to go back to work when her mat leave finishes and how she is now spanking and shouting no end. She keeps asking for my dd to go there after school but I really don't want my daughter in this atmosphere. The invitation most of the time is not open to me, she wants me to drop off and collect so I don't see how will she cope with 4 kids -and dd is no angel- if she can't cope with 3 of her own. The days I go and stay, friend and I stay downstairs with baby and her 2 children plus mine go upstairs often with bedroom door closed and we can just hear lots of shouting and thumping as they don't have toys and are not allowed tv I have no idea what they play. I don't invite anymore because my dd's toys always get broken, they fight over sharing as though as they never saw toys in their life, they don't listen to me. Or to my friend and she ends up stressed and smacking in my house and I don't like it. We are telling friend to go to GP but she thinks once she goes back to work things will get better. Ah, let me add she complains she can't cope and hate being at home with children since she had only one but still went on to have two more. And they were planned.

[monsterchild]

YANBU. i wouldn't want my kid there either. Sounds a bit mad!

[HoratiaWinwood]

Tricky.

Sounds like she needs support, but I wouldn't want my children to be the ones providing that support.

How long before she goes back to work? She may genuinely not be good at being a SAHM - goodness knows it doesn't suit everyone.

[AutumnGlory]

She is planning to o next year but not sure if the job will be available.

[AutumnGlory]

But if you are a sahm and can't cope you can just turn tv on cant you? I know Tv is not the best thing in the world for children - at least not too much tv that is - but she would rather shout and smack instead of putting tv on???

[halcyondays]

Why don't they have toys?

[AgentZigzag]

It does seem odd that she'd choose smacking over them watching a bit of telly.

And what's that about no toys? Why??

I don't think I've ever come across a child not having any toys before.

[3monkeys3]

YANBU - I wouldn't want my children in this atmosphere either.

[AutumnGlory]

I don't know why....they have plenty of money. They have some dressing up clothes, few princess dolls and some games that requires adult interaction and paper and crayons. I guess my friend don't like clutter and wants children to turn to books only

[AutumnGlory]

They have some toys but are very very few. Certainly not plastic and noisy ones. Rag dolls only. Some Lego.

[AgentZigzag]

It's up to her of course about the toys, but usually you have a range of stuff to see what they prefer to do/what they're good at.

And they turn to books no matter how much crap they've got too.

Does your DD like going?

[SomersetONeil]

She doesn't like children.
So she planned another.
And another.
She doesn't enjoy being with them and wants to go back to work.
But she refuses to make life more enjoyable for them and her - by having no toys (even though she can afford them) and not allowing the TV to be on.
And she thinks smacking and shouting is more desirable/better all round than a bit of Cbeebies.

Is this an accurate summation?

[Floggingmolly]

The kids are probably misbehaving because they're bored rigid. In the house all day, no toys, no tv . It's a wonder they haven't killed each other by now.

[AutumnGlory]

She does because she is friend with her oldest since they are babies and they do have fun, they do some dancing, there is a CD player in the bedroom. But lately I have been notice an increase roughness of her eldest towards my dd and it doesn't make me to have my daughter to be around

[AutumnGlory]

Somerset the summit is about right. I think she has control issues so she turns things more difficult them needed be just to have a rush on sorting them and exercising control?. Don't know if it makes sense ..

[AutumnGlory]

She tried to turn the tv on but she said one programme only and she chose which one. Than she said she won't ever do it again because the children were asking for more.

[shewhowines]

So she wants to be a perfect parent, doesn't believe in tv and plastic tat, but shouts and smacks her kids? Mmmm

[Eurostar]

does she talk about hating being at home and wanting to get to work in earshot of her children. Where's her DH in all of this?

[justmyview]

Could you meet in a swingpark, wrap up warm and let the children run around?

[YerMaw1989]

those poor buggers, I wouldn't want my child there either.

are you concerned she may smack your child?

IME smacking increases aggressive behaviour largely.

[AutumnGlory]

The husband is either working full time, socialising or playing sports. The shout/smacking thing is not the parenting style she is happy with but she does lose it and end up shouting/smacking. Thing is though, she got into the habit and I have seen she doing it for very little. I don't think she would shout at or smack mine but I don't want mine seeing her doing it. We are supposed to meet soon and is definitely not going to be in my house nor I want go to hers so I will suggest wrap ap warm and go to the park. Hopefully it won't be raining.

[AutumnGlory]

Is the not believe in TV and plastic tat a middle class thing? Because she is middle class and us working class. I like wooden, fabric, old fashioned toys but I don't mind plastic, noisy ones as long as they are being used and making children happy...as for TV, I never banned it, sometimes dd watches more and sometimes less, depending on the activities for the day, weather, homework etc...

[bagofholly]

You've got one child OP, is that right? If so you don't have a bloody clue, not even the first IDEA of how different it is with two never mind three. And
"But if you are a sahm and can't cope you can just turn tv on cant you?"

That is the silliest thing I've ever read on here.
Why do you bother with her if in your judgement she's getting it all so wrong, when clearly it's a doddle to get it right.

I wish you triplets next time.

[AgentZigzag]

'Is the not believe in TV and plastic tat a middle class thing?'

WTF??

I've got nothing against parents who give the occasional smack as a last resort, but if she's using it as a main discipline technique I would be worried how well she's coping.

Comparing how your friend would describe her life/decisions would be interesting.

[AutumnGlory]

I have only one child but I also happen to be a CM who look after TODDLERS same age - so yes similar to twins - and I am sure I have it harder than she has. During the day at least. I still have to cook and clean and I don't have a mother's he'll 3 days a week like she does. And yes, when the weather is shit, the children is not getting on and things are going a bit crazy and I have dinner to sort out I do put a bit of TV on - and parents know it - because as a cm and parent I don ruse shouting and smacking as discipline technique. I really don't understand -bagofholly- that if you are not coping at the moment why turning the TV on is the silliest thing you ever heard.... Just in case you want to come back and explain.