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To not take ds to the inlaws anymore..

(28 Posts)
Wheresmygalaxy Fri 19-Oct-12 19:38:35

or at least iuntil they bloody well listen to what im saying.

ds born 4 months ago, he was in intensive care for the 1st week with breathing difficulties due to my waters breaking and me not being kept in or monitored, we both ended up with an infection, ds ended up needing oxygen. we politely asked inlaws not to smoke before coming right into the hospital, mil was fine, fil carried on smoking but popped in a polo mint before coming onto the ward hmm.

this has now carried on for months, i take ds to visit now and again and ive asked them not to smoke in the same house (told them if this is a problem they are more than welcome to come round here instead for a bit). they used to smoke in the garden, now this has been moved to an upstairs spare bedroom where they keep all his toys for when he visits. last night he had hold of a toy that absolutely stunk of smoke so i took it off him and put in on the table, he cried for it again so i went and washed it and came back into to faces being pulled at me. i said it smelt really badly of smoke so i had to wash it, they said no more.

then fil nipped upstairs and came back and sat next to me, he grabbed at ds and as he did the smell of tobacco nearly made me sick, i asked have you just been smoking so he says yes why, i said cos if i can smell it that bad and its nearly made me wheeze imagine what its doing to a 4 month old baby. he then had a go at me saying he can smoke if he wants, i tried to compromise and asked could you at least wash your hands before touching him then (this was like asking him to hand over a kidney!!) dp thinks the same as me, hes asked them in the past not to smoke when we're there, they did for the 1st week then carried on.

i completely get its their house and they can do what they like but for the sake of their grandchild i thought theyd care a bit more about him stinking of smoke, mil (although we dont get on) has tried really hard and has one of those electronic cigs to wean herself off, fil smokes roll ups so always constantly stinks of tobacco. aibu to not take him round until fil stops smoking around him? theyre welcome here whenever they want, but as we are non smokers we ask people to go outside if they have to smoke. dp thinks im over reacting slightly but i think its cos he doesnt want to upset his parents. am i being too precious???

Zimbah Fri 19-Oct-12 19:43:56

YANBU.

LadyKooKoo Fri 19-Oct-12 19:46:30

No you are not. Smoke can linger on clothes for up to six hours after smoking. If they want to see your ds then they need to not smoke around him. Take a bag of toys when you go visit so he doesn't have to touch the smoke toys and don't let FIL hold him but do let MIL if she is not smoking. FIL will soon get the hint and if he wants to be involved with his grandson, he will change.

LindyHemming Fri 19-Oct-12 19:46:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StanleyLambchop Fri 19-Oct-12 19:47:37

Yanbu, I would not like it either.

HoratiaWinwood Fri 19-Oct-12 19:49:18

YANBU to stop taking him there, but YABU to tell them what to do in their own house even if what they are doing is foul.

Wheresmygalaxy Fri 19-Oct-12 19:50:02

The smell of smoke won't harm you or the baby. Yes, it's vile, but it's not a health hazard

Seriously???

Xales Fri 19-Oct-12 19:52:13

Isn't the recommended time between smoking and holding a baby something like 1 - 2 hours?

I agree if they cannot refrain for a few hours while you are visiting them or they are visiting you and your DS don't go there and don't let them hold/hug DS.

ShhhhhGoBackToSleep Fri 19-Oct-12 19:54:47

Actually, yes, it can harm a baby. It increases the risk of SIDS. If they can't stop smoking for one hour and wash their hands for the ske of their granchilds health they they obviously don't give a crap.

YASoNBU

onemoreminute Fri 19-Oct-12 19:55:22

YADNU i would go round.

xkcdfangirl Fri 19-Oct-12 19:55:37

YANBU and euphemia you are wrong - it seriously is a health hazard for a young baby like this who has been recently in intensive care with breathing difficulties. The smell of smoke isn't exactly the issue - there are a lot of really nasty toxins in tobacco smoke which hang around in fabrics for a long time after they were last in the presence of smoke and are released out slowly meaning that if you can smell tobacco smoke on a toy or item of clothing then that toy should not be anywhere near such a vulnerable baby.

OP you must and should protect your baby and you need to trust your instincts for now. Once your baby is older and stronger and has been healthy for a while you will not need to be quite so strict, but stand your ground for now.

onemoreminute Fri 19-Oct-12 19:57:56

Sorry tht should have said i wouldn't go.

YADDDDDDDDDNBU

my DD is also ex nicu. It IS a health hazard.

Stand your ground.

BerthaTheBogBurglar Fri 19-Oct-12 19:59:23

I think what might bother me is that they clearly think you're making a fuss over nothing, and that they don't have to respect your wishes regarding your child. So you ask them not to smoke before coming to NICU to see your newborn with breathing difficulties, and they ignore you because they know better, and think they can cover it up with a mint.

So what happens in a few months / years when they want to look after their gc without you around? And they tell you they won't smoke in front of your children - but they know better, and you're just making a fuss, and what you don't know can't hurt you ...

I'd stop visiting at their house.

And it's coming up to colds, bugs and broncholiotis (sp) season

BlueSkySinking Fri 19-Oct-12 19:59:55

YANBU. Stand your ground

slambang Fri 19-Oct-12 20:00:20

Euphemia - you are right that the smell on its own wont harm the baby but didn't you know that a smoker still breathes out dangerous chemicals e.g.carbon monoxide well after they've finished their fag?

A smoker shouldn't come near a baby for at least half an hour after finishing a cigarette.

apostropheuse Fri 19-Oct-12 20:00:49

YANBU

I think you should tell them that they're very welcome to come to yours, but that obviously if they want to smoke they have to go outdoors to do it. I agree your FIL should at least wash his hands before touching your baby.

Stale smoke and baby are not compatible. That would definitely be non-negotiable for me. In your own home you are able to control that. You cannot control what they do in their home.

I'm sorry, but if he puts the need of a cigarette before his chance of spending time with a grandchild then that's his problem - not yours.

Wheresmygalaxy Fri 19-Oct-12 20:01:22

Thanks, i thought im being too over protective etc but i cant stand the smell of smoke myself so why should it be inflicted on a baby, feel bad cos i know it will cause an arguement (and already has done when we mentioned fil just having a mint instead of not smoking) Next time they ome round ill ask fil to not smoke for the time hes here, they only usually come for about an hour -2 hours, if they cant go without a ciggy for that short amount of time then they can stay away as far as im concerned.

plus it will save me brushing up their cig ends too, so will kill 2 birds with 1 stone!

WinkyWinkola Fri 19-Oct-12 20:04:06

It's not just the smell. Fag smoke residues on breath and clothing contains toxins.

Bang out of order of your pil, op, putting your ds at risk like that.

I'd be far more hard line than you. If they smell of smoke then they cannot be around IMO. They might be addicts but your ds is far far more important.

slambang Fri 19-Oct-12 20:05:03

Why not tell them with a bit of scientific back up? i.e. the doctors at NICU told me he shouldn't be allowed near someone who has been smoking, sorry about that, it's a pain isn't it?

Or google the effects and give them a bit of literature so they don't just think you're being pfb-ish.

MummysHappyPills Fri 19-Oct-12 20:05:16

Sorry, but the smell of smoke IS harmful. The smell indicates there are chemicals being released into the air, from the residue on clothes/breath etc. Perhaps ask the midwife/hv for some written info/leaflet/ website with information you can show your pils to show that it is not just you being precious, and that the lingering smell does carry some risk?

MummysHappyPills Fri 19-Oct-12 20:05:39

X posts! grin

Wheresmygalaxy Fri 19-Oct-12 20:11:50

slambang we did all that when we were still in the hospital, mil got very drunk and rang everyone to tell them how awful we were ebing to her saying we would never bring ds round to see them cos they smoke (mil also alcoholic - but thats another thread entirely).

due to us putting our foot down and mil causing so much trouble the subject is like walking on eggshells. she has tried to stop though and i cant fault her on that, fil just carries on as normal cos hes so used to everyone doing as he says and doesnt like being asked to change at all.

what makes it all so odd though is when i was pregnant and used to visit they wouldnt smoke near me and would go and stand in the garden, now ds is here its like they cant be bothered anymore, when in fact they should be more bothered than ever. its already impacted on their relationship and fil always wants me to ask them to babysit, dp knows that i wont ever ask them as theres lots of other issues to stop them from being trustworthy - the fact they dont go a night without a drink being one of them.

if i ask fil to wash his hands he sees that as being told what to do and spoken to like a child, its easier to get my point across if i just dont go than having to explain every single time why id like him to wash his hands before touching ds.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Fri 19-Oct-12 20:29:01

YANBU. It is a health hazard and if it stops FIL seeing his GC then that's his loss. Your MIL is obviously trying very hard.

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