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AIBU to want a baby now? (Long)

(16 Posts)
Heiderose Thu 18-Oct-12 16:58:13

I want a baby and so does he but we don't agree on the timing - he wants to wait longer, I don't.

Background:
Partner and I are both 28, we've been together 4 years and living together for 3. We have a flat with a mortgage
but half is paid off (selling and paying back the mortgage would still leave us with enough to buy another place in a cheaper part of london or a great house outside london, so we have reasonable security there)
I earn a decent wage but not much in savings and also have some debt that's scheduled to be re-payed in full by next July.
He runs his own company and earns a decent wage plus a percentage of the profits each year (along with his other partners), he has some uni loans and the business isn't 100% secure as its new (so the possibility that he could have to change jobs if it fails) but is so far on track to do well.

I have some medical issues that means the longer I wait the less chance I have of being able to carry to term. No problems with fertility though. Doctor advised me to have children sooner rather than later but that obviously hasn't happened yet.
He knows all this but says everything will be fine - he has ostrich syndrome and his head is firmly in the sand when it comes to this.

Not only has sil just had a baby but 2 of my friends gave birth within days of each other this week and I have 2 more due to have babies in January. The more I'm around them the more worried I get about when i'll have my own. I also work with small children and babies so am surrounded by the one thing I really want but haven't got.

I'm starting to get more and more resentful and depressed. I'm starting to not want to go to work or see my niece as I get really down in the dumps afterwards.

He keeps saying he wants to wait till we have more money, are more secure etc. but I have a feeling he won't feel secure until he's rich!

I told him I wanted one by the end of next year and he agreed after a long discussion but now he's being non committal again!

AIBU to give him an ultimatum of having a baby or leaving?

cantspel Thu 18-Oct-12 17:01:58

Only give him a ultimatum if you are serious about following it through as it may come to that.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 18-Oct-12 17:02:28

if you give someone an ultimatum chances are you will lose them, and if he goes then you have to wait till your in a simmerler suituation to be secure enough to have a baby with someone else so you lose either way.

besides babies do not happen right now they take 9 months to cook unless you intend to pinch one given that these days thats frowned apon and people dont tend to leave them in prams outside shops your on a loser to start with.

yabu and extreamly childish

Frootloopz Thu 18-Oct-12 17:05:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 18-Oct-12 17:05:31

Yes, YABU to give him an ultimatum, but he is BU to not get why you want to do it soon.
If I think about it, I know very few men who readily agreed to babymaking. Most had it thrust upon them.
In fact the only ones who were keen were over 40.
I don't know what that means, but maybe it is just a scary thing for men?
Dunno what to suggest really, other than coming off the pill and telling him that he is welcome to no longer shag you if he doesn't want a baby. He'll probably cave.
(disclaimer. I am kidding. Sort of)

LadyFlumpalot Thu 18-Oct-12 17:06:59

If there is one thing I have learnt from having my son, you can never "afford" a baby. Unless you are a millionaire.

CamperFan Thu 18-Oct-12 17:14:21

I don't think an ultimatum like that is a good start to the road to parenthood. However, I think your partner is being selfish wrt your medical situation. If he is completely serious about having a baby with you, then you need to make it clear that delaying ttc could jeopardise your chances of actually having one. And I agree there is never the "perfect" time to have a baby.

NatashaBee Thu 18-Oct-12 17:18:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heiderose Thu 18-Oct-12 17:24:11

I've told him he has to come with me for my next check up with my doctor (I go every year as I'm no longer on medication and have to have tests done to make sure I'm still ok) and actually listen to what he says and take it seriously - his standard answer to anything he doesn't want to talk about is to say it won't happen to us, everything will be fine.

My major concern is that he's refusing to listen to me about how serious it is and that if we wait another few years and I can't have a baby it will be a deal breaker for him. He wants kids so it would be a big issue if we can't.

Obviously might turn out that I've already waited too long even if we try now. So I'm just as worried about him agreeing now as I'll know sooner if I can't.

I'm just a worrier I guess!

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 18-Oct-12 17:28:41

then you have your own solution take him to your appoint and ask your dr to explain the risks of waiting.

Dogsmom Thu 18-Oct-12 18:13:28

The ultimatum is unreasonable and can never have a happy outcome, if he leaves you'll feel guilty plus have to start all over again and it could be years before you met someone else and got to the stage where you were both ready for kids but if he says ok to your ultimatum you'll always know that you pushed him into it.

Has he given you any kind of time frame for when he'll feel finacially secure? From what you've said you are already able to afford a child so maybe it's just an excuse on his part because he simply doesn't want one yet.

LondonGhostInChainWrackedBoots Thu 18-Oct-12 19:00:45

Sorry, so he's delaying having a baby with you, which he does want to do eventually (perfectly reasonable to wait) but if he does effectively force you to wait so long that you cannot carry to term, which is not something that you have concealed, it will be a deal breaker for him and he would therefore I'd assume probably leave you for someone who could give him kids, leaving you without the relationship you built together and unable to have children of your own at all because he didn't want them when you could have them?

Sounds like an arse. 'It won't happen to us' is the stupidest thing anyone can ever think, it happens to everyone.

ChickenFillet Thu 18-Oct-12 19:13:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amandine07 Thu 18-Oct-12 19:14:09

Sounds like he's in denial...I feel for you on this one, you are being totally upfront and honest about your medical condition and how it could prevent you from having a successful pregnancy.

It really sounds like he needs to grow up. Quickly. That is such a typical point of view from some men- it will work out ok, oh it won't happen to us etc.
There are many couples out there who it indeed DID happen to e.g. Fertility problems, miscarriage
I would say to any woman of childbearing age who wants kids, is to just go for it- assuming you are in a stable relationship with incomes.

However, the sad thing is, it seems to be the men who are dragging their feet...hmmm maybe all of us who want babies need to get together with older men?? They seem the only ones actually keen to have children!

ChickenFillet Thu 18-Oct-12 19:15:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heiderose Thu 18-Oct-12 19:57:20

My mum has recently brought up the idea of freezing my eggs so that we could have a child via a surrogate later on. I'm thinking about looking into it all as another option. I'd love to experience being pregnant but I could skip that part if it means I'd get a baby.

I think if he thought I'd leave he'd give in but I don't really want to have to do it that way.

I hope he loves me enough that he wouldn't leave if we can't have children but I worry that he might. Since he won't talk about it I just don't know.

There's a chance that just bring pregnant could make me very ill so I'm wondering if he's worried about that?

Bloody men, would be so much easier if he'd just talk to me properly.

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