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To worry about telling my friend

(26 Posts)
BonaDea Thu 18-Oct-12 12:44:06

I have a close friend I haven't yet told I'm pregnant (16+2).

I haven't posted on FB about being pregnant, just as a personal choice - I don't really want to put really important, personal stuff on there as an announcement (not judging anyone who does that!). I also don't see her regularly any more as we live a long way from each other. We're still close in the sense that when I'm there or she's here we always meet up / stay with each other, she was at my wedding and did a reading etc etc.

Anyway, I know that she's having a LOT of trouble TTC. She and her partner have been for tests and the chances of them having a child are extremely low, even with IVF. She's devastated by this and also blames herself for a termination she had when she was very young - she feels she wasted the chance she had.

I just don't know how to tell her my news. She knew we would try after getting married, but I almost feel guilty about how easy it was for us - first cylce, pregnant on honeymoon.

I've written her an email several times then deleted it. I feel like I want to phone her, but I kind of don't want to put her on the spot / hijack her with the news 'live'. At least by email /text she has time to compose a reply and doesn't have to give away if she's upset. But an email seems impersonal and a bit 'newsletter-ish'. I know deep down that she will be very happy for me, but I also know that she is only human and this will hurt her.

Am I just being a wimp? What would you do?

Pascha Thu 18-Oct-12 12:45:35

Take her out for coffee and just say it. It will only get harder the longer you leave it.

Onlyaphase Thu 18-Oct-12 12:47:00

As someone who has been in the same position as your friend, I'd email her. As you say, a phone call puts her on the spot to be all cheerful and pleased for you. She will no doubt be delighted for you, just sad for herself as well, so I think the nice thing to do is to let her digest the news in private.

And, please don't apologise for being pregnant, or say how sorry you are she isn't pregnant. Just tell her your news.

Dogsmom Thu 18-Oct-12 12:47:15

I'd email her, like you say it'll give her time to digest it and reply, she'll be more upset if she finds out second hand.

A friend of mine had lost her son at 9 days old and it really upset her how people would keep their pregnancy news from her.

BonaDea Thu 18-Oct-12 12:48:42

Thanks, only. Good advice and thanks for the tip on not saying sorry - wondered how to broach that. Should I ask how their process is going or just leave it separate?

Nancyclancy Thu 18-Oct-12 12:49:24

I would send her a text asking her when would be convenient to call her as you've got some news you'd like to share with her! She'll pretty much guess what it's going to be so will have time to prepare herself.
Although she is ttc, she may well be genuinely pleased for you.
I wouldn't tell her in a text or email.

messtins Thu 18-Oct-12 12:51:48

The fact that you are posting, appreciating that she will find this news hard to handle, shows that you are sensitive to her feelings. I think letting her know remotely is better, so she has time to process the information and any feelings it triggers before you see or speak to each other again.
Why don't you write a proper pen and paper letter? Then you can tell her what you've told us - that you understand that this is likely to be difficult for her, that you'd like to share your happiness with her, but you'll take your cue from her how much she can cope with.
I've felt a bit like this after a MC (I know that's not the same as having fertility issues) when everyone around me suddenly seemed to be pregnant. It's a difficult line between being pleased for friends and overcome by the green-eyed monster, but it would be equally hurtful to be shut out completely.
One thing I would say is NEVER whinge about pregnancy related niggles, sleepless nights or bratty toddlers in front of her!

Fakebook Thu 18-Oct-12 12:55:02

I'd also go with the email. Having kind of been there myself, when someone tells you they're pregnant it's like you've been hit by mallet in the head. You have to muster up a smile and be happy, but inside you're dying. Definitely email her and give her time to register it. She may or may not take her time to reply, don't be offended if she doesn't reply straightaway. Don't broach her ttc subject unless she mentions it first.

Dahlen Thu 18-Oct-12 12:55:16

If it was me in her position, I'd prefer to know by email so I could plan my response. I would undoubtedly feel a massive stab of jealousy and sadness while at the same time being delighted for you, and as your friend I would want to ensure that you only got to see the latter (although if we were that close, I may confide in you about the former once the initial congratulations were passed knowing that you would know it didn't mean in anyway that I wasn't happy for you).

I'm lucky enough to not have experienced problems TTC, so you should take what I say with a pinch of salt, but while I wouldn't 'apologise' for being pregnant myself, I would refer to her fertility problems briefly and acknowledge that hearing your news may be difficult for her. It shows some sensitivity, which I'd expect from a friend. Just keep it brief rather than making it the focus of your email.

Dahlen Thu 18-Oct-12 12:55:29

And congratulations. smile

KeithLeMonde Thu 18-Oct-12 12:56:13

I've been in your situation. I sent an email, so that she could react however she wanted to my news, then put on her public face and respond to me when she felt ready.

I didn't slather on the sympathy too thickly as that seemed patronising. I just said that I wanted to tell her before I made the big announcement, and finished off by sending her all my love and saying that our friendship meant the world to me.

BlueSkySinking Thu 18-Oct-12 13:00:02

We have TTC for years and years - now after a very long time and lots of heart break we have 3.

I would recommend you phone her before seeing her or at least email her. Yes it might highlight that her own body isn't doing what it should be but at least you will give her time to work though her emotions.

I was never jealous of other people as I never wanted their pregnancy or their baby. I was always just glad that my friends weren't suffering TTC but it did make me frustrated with myself.

BlueSkySinking Thu 18-Oct-12 13:00:40

Also when you meet don't bang on about it. At the same time talk a bit about things if she mentions it.

Spatsky Thu 18-Oct-12 13:00:42

My the same I realise but I had a very good friend tell me she was pregnant just after had a miscarriage (which she was aware of). She ummed and Ahmed over telling me but eventually blurte it out because I had pretty much guessed.

Anyhow, on reflection, although I handled it well f ace to face I think, I probably would have preferred email purely because after friend told me I said all the happy congratulations stuff with a smile on my face, got home and cried and then went through all the... Dd I look happy enough, did. Look too happy and look fake, was their a resentful glint I my eye.

I just think having an email and not having to rearrange my face and react exactly right would ave helped me, but we are all different so one size does not fit all.

WinklyFriedChicken Thu 18-Oct-12 13:01:04

I wouldn't refer to her fertility issues, it can only come across as patronising. Emailing is good so she doesn't have to pretend to be happy for you. Don't take it personally if she doesn't get in touch for a while, it's hard. And congratulations!

Spatsky Thu 18-Oct-12 13:02:40

Just to add. Was extremely happy for her, I hope I didn't give the impression I wasn't

Icelollycraving Thu 18-Oct-12 13:09:23

You are being sensitive to consider who your wonderful news will affect her. Email her or send her a letter. Not a call,she will feel under pressure to be happy. I mc when my friend had her dd. She felt very uncomfortable about it. I was a bit teary but still thrilled for her.

HeadlessForHalloween Thu 18-Oct-12 13:10:26

I would email, and explain the reason for emailing rather than ringing or doing it face to face.

She has to find out eventually, and will be more upset if she finds out from someone else.

terrywoganstrousers Thu 18-Oct-12 13:11:11

I had this problem with my sister who had been TTC for years and I was desperate to tell her in a sensitive way. I had some good advice on my thread so will search for it.
In the end I think I texted her saying I had some news but actually told her face to face. I think she guessed from the 'I've got some news' but I felt that allowed her some space to prepare herself privately before seeing me. I then gave her a fair bit of space after I'd seen her, she stayed away for a few weeks (well I suppose she could have just been busy but I think it may have been that she needed space).
I'm now 29 weeks and I don't tend to spontaneously bring up the baby in conversation but she often does and then we chat about it, so I would say take her lead on that side of things. She is really happy for us and even rang the other day to ask what she could buy as a present for the new baby so I think allowing her to deal with it in her own time was the best approach.

terrywoganstrousers Thu 18-Oct-12 13:13:55

Here you go- lots of great advice on

here

thecatsminion Thu 18-Oct-12 13:15:04

I've been there with long term ttc. Definitely email. And do it soon.

nokidshere Thu 18-Oct-12 13:21:36

I would have been more upset that a close friend felt she couldn't tell me such lovely news!

I was ttc for 15 years and I was always delighted for my family and friends when they fell pregnant before me. Ok it hurts, but it hurts when you see a pregnant woman walking down the street, if you are in the baby aisle at the supermarket and a million and one other places. Not telling her properly is a cop out even though I understand your reasons.

If you normally converse by phone then tell her by phone, or if you normally email then email her - whatever you would normally do.

valiumredhead Thu 18-Oct-12 13:22:08

Not an email or text - proper hand written letter or card - and explain why you are sending it rather than face to face.

BonaDea Thu 18-Oct-12 13:32:49

thanks all. terry that thread was very useful, too.

Am going to get writing...by email ... as I think that is the consensus and how we usually communicate anyway.

NathanDetroit Thu 18-Oct-12 13:38:45

Been there, still there.
My friend emailed me, part of a chatty email about how I am and what she's up to. Then said she had some news & was expecting baby 2. I was anticipating it and was happy for her. I'd always rather find out by email rather than phone or face to face as it's so hard to be hit with it then have to paste on a happy face while calculating how long you have to hold it together before you can cry. I'm always happy for other people, but sad for me. You're a nice friend. Congratulations. x

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