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to have found this really quite nasty and be offended?

(106 Posts)
emsyj Thu 18-Oct-12 12:20:16

OK, so this involves the dreaded Facebook ((sigh))...

A friend I met at work a few years back (who now lives on the other side of the world, so our only contact is via Facebook and emails) made a post yesterday along the lines, 'the fact that it's disguised as a cutesy monkey backpack doesn't detract from the fact that your kid is on a leash'. I assume she was referring to those backpacks with reins attached. DD has one of these, it was a gift from some friends and we have used it on occasion as she likes to walk, hates the buggy and won't reliably hold a hand (I guess it's tiring to reach up and hold an adult's hand for a long period when you're 2). So anyway, I replied saying that they were useful and better than the child running off and getting squashed by a car - all very light-hearted at this point, and I was in no way offended. A few other people (whom I don't know personally) posted too, just casual lighthearted type comments, nothing controversial.

However, later on in the day she replied with, 'Why can't you just put it in a pram or carry the child, putting it on a lead like a dog is demeaning for a child'. Hmm, so I thought this was quite rude - I am demeaning my child, am I? hmm Also I am 6 months pg and DD weighs 30lb, so I couldn't carry her (even if either of us wanted that, which neither of us do!) and she doesn't like the buggy, she enjoys walking. How is it better to wrestle her into the buggy and listen to her scream and thrash around whilst I wheel her along?

I refrained from posting anything back but then later still, other people had responded to her and she then said that child reins are equivalent to putting people with mental disabilities and dementia on leads, and that you can 'feed your kid what you want, do what you want, but do it in public and expect others to have an opinion about it'. I was a bit shock - and I don't really understand what her point is or why she would care so much, but AIBU to think this was a needlessly inflammatory thing to say? It seems that she is saying, (a) that I demean my child and that (b) my treatment of DD is akin to abuse of people suffering with dementia or disabled people. I was really really offended by this and have felt quite upset (pregnancy hormones) but am I being excessively precious?

Gosh, this is already long and I really didn't mean to turn it into a 'are reins okay' debate - I personally think they're fine, and I am happy for others to not like them/not approve etc, but I do draw the line at a so-called friend accusing me of abusing my child. Interestingly, this person is expecting her first baby so I posted back, 'I was a perfect parent before I had kids too - good luck with that.' Was that reasonable?

Still feel quite sad about the whole thing.

AnyaKnowIt Thu 18-Oct-12 12:23:01

You could also hand her a grip grin

YANBU, I use one of those backpack for dd.

FlatFacedArmy Thu 18-Oct-12 12:23:38

It WAS nasty and needlessly offensive. But it's the viewpoint of a person who has been living in blissful ignorance so far. She may well change her tune in a few years.

But I think your response was perfect.

Abra1d Thu 18-Oct-12 12:24:22

She sounds mad. Ignore her.

Pancakeflipper Thu 18-Oct-12 12:27:40

Ignore. It's her view point. Bet she's never been the mother of a bolter.

Inadeeptrance Thu 18-Oct-12 12:27:43

Good for you, she's an idiot. Delete and block!

YouOldSlag Thu 18-Oct-12 12:28:14

YANBU!

You didn't even have to say she doesn't have kids yet, I just KNEW.

I don't care what people think of reins because what matters to me is that my child does not wriggle free and run in front of cars when he is on them.

Preserving his safety is more important to me than what an ignorant and childless person thinks, so she can get stuffed.

Oh and you should hear what people think of using a buggy after a certain age! oh and how can you carry a 30lb child everywhere? Esp when pregnant! Her alternatives are crap.

Her ignorance will come back and bite her on the arse. I too, would have been personally insulted that a non parent was having a go at my parenting choices whilst never having been in my position..

3monkeys3 Thu 18-Oct-12 12:28:36

I think your response to her was spot on - lots of people (myself included) have all sorts of ideas about what they're going to do pre-kids and then it changes when you actually have a child. I used reins for ds1, who was a very headstrong toddler and would randomly run off, but liked to walk, and they were a Godsend - I haven't used them with the others, but they are a bit more compliant! Needs must!

RubyFakeNails Thu 18-Oct-12 12:29:06

This is ridiculous, its fucking facebook, you shouldn't feel bad about it.

She was being quite rude in the later posts, but I wouldn't take it to heart. Its like there are some parents out there who will absolutely vilify you for giving your child certain foods or allowing them to watch certain tv. In the same way I think you take those opinions with a pinch of salt, do the same with hers.

Just do, as you sort of have, and roll your eyes and think "just you wait". Yanbu to post what you did.

Obviously everyone has an opinion on what they see, so I don't think its that shocking that they feel this way, but you shouldn't care.

I don't like reigns, some people do. I do lots of things with my children others wouldn't. What do I think? Fuck it.

RedBlanket Thu 18-Oct-12 12:29:07

I used reins. I don't give a shit how much it demeaned them, it's better than them being under a bus.

Love your comment back, parenting is a piece of cake when you haven't got kids.

boredandrestless Thu 18-Oct-12 12:29:11

I love your reply "'I was a perfect parent before I had kids too - good luck with that."

Do you like her? If your relationship is only keeping in touch via FB and email and she's both judgemental and vocal about it I'd be deleting to be honest. Sounds like she wants a bit of a bunfight about it to me. Doesn't she have anything better to do?

My DS has autism and was on a wrist strap harness or in a special needs large pushchair even at 3 or 4. It was that or have him run into a road. Which he still sometimes managed even with the wrist strap. hmm

I hope she has a very wilful toddler that puts her in her place [evil cackle].

lurkedtoolong Thu 18-Oct-12 12:29:12

Great response to a crazy know-it-all who is clearly in for a big shock soon

Pancakeflipper Thu 18-Oct-12 12:29:56

Oops just seen that she's due her first child.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Thu 18-Oct-12 12:30:37

just keep smiling. When she has children she will rue the day if she gets a 'bolter'

MordecaiAndTheRigbys Thu 18-Oct-12 12:30:37

At this point, what I would do is de friend block and forget. Because she was being a bitch. Also because when she has that baby, she is going to be posting like its the first child ever born and talking about how her choices are the right ones and other mothers suck. So take it from someone who has experienced this. Do your blood pressure a favour and block!!!

KenLeeeeeee Thu 18-Oct-12 12:31:00

Your reply was amazing!

edam Thu 18-Oct-12 12:31:14

Oh, your response is fab. I'm going to cut and paste it again because it's so great: 'I was a perfect parent before I had kids too - good luck with that."

She's daft, she'll learn...

YellowDinosaur Thu 18-Oct-12 12:31:47

'I was a perfect parent too before I had could've us the absolute perfect response.

Now I'd just ignore her

emsyj Thu 18-Oct-12 12:33:26

I will freely admit that I (privately) judged a close friend of mine extensively when she had her DS (before I had DD!) - I remember blush expressing disgust to DH that he was 'still' in nappies aged 2 (DD is very much still in nappies at 2.5...) and that they let him eat biscuits and drink squash blush blush blush. BUT - I wasn't witless enough to say any of this stuff to her face! Thank goodness - oh how I would have died of shame and eaten my words three dozen times over by now if I'd ever said this stuff to her!

I have deleted her anyway.

THERhubarb Thu 18-Oct-12 12:33:44

Whatever.

Seriously, people make flippant comments on Facebook all the time. The comment was not aimed at you, it was an observation she made. She voiced her opinion. She obviously wouldn't say that to you or anyone else who uses reins in person, but somehow being on Facebook means that people are a little freer with their opinions and those who agree with them are merely jumping on the popularity bandwagon.

Your response was appropriate. I would leave it at that. It wasn't intended personally (how could she know you used one?), she was probably just trying to be funny as apparently the new funny is to sneer at everyone and everything.

You could try sending her a PM telling that you use one and why you use it, if you want to keep her friendship that is. Or you could just ignore the childish outpourings of a hormonal woman and get on with your life smile

YellowDinosaur Thu 18-Oct-12 12:34:55

Yes. Your response without all my dyac typos was clearly better.

And you can't defriend or block. You'll need to see her posts saying she had to use reins for her Bolter <evil cackle>

pigletmania Thu 18-Oct-12 12:34:58

Does she have children. You could say to her that putting a child in a buggy or carrying them when they can perfectly walk and thy want to is dis empowering them. Silly silly woman tuts and shakes head

BonaDea Thu 18-Oct-12 12:35:51

YANBU. Just 'unfriend' her. That's what I've started doing.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Thu 18-Oct-12 12:37:30

Your reply was perfect! YWNBU.

KentuckyFriedChildren Thu 18-Oct-12 12:37:43

boredandrestless I have to keep ds (almost 5) on a wrist strap for similar circs and I have had people being really rude to me in the street saying I am cruel etc. People are fucking stupid. It would be cruel to let him run off and get lost or killed even because I didn't use the damn thing. Amazingly he will hold my hand when he has it on but not without it hmm its not as though I enjoy having a child that needs constant supervision in public ffs!

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