I feel awful. Yesterday my closest friend with whom I share everything told me she's three months pregnant. I pretended to be happy for her but I'm horrified. I felt my entire life turn on its head when she told me. I've been awake since 4am.
I'm in my late twenties and I've decided not to have kids myself. I have a step son and nieces and nephews and I'm happy with that. I was an au pair and babysitter for years and I've seen my sisters have kids and suffer the relentless sleepless nights and bad behaviour. My oldest sister I'm sure is depressed, she has two kids and is constantly miserable. I've always known from about age 12 having kids isn't for me (the childbirth video when I was 12 didn't help). One of my other friends had a baby recently, 2 months after the birth she was nearly suicidal and just wanted to hand him back. I know how hard it is, because I've seen so many people struggle through it. Especially when kids are young it just seems like constant illness and constant worry.
I am happy for my best friend, but I know that our lives are going to change so very much, and I'm struggling to come to terms with this. We'll inevitably see less of each other, when we do she'll have a baby in tow and she is going to be very tied up with the baby for the foreseeable future. She is also going to want to be left alone after the birth and I'm really going to miss her.
I feel so left out. For the last three months she's been walking around with this knowledge, her body changing, and she's said nothing to me because her DH told her not to. It's completely changed how I see her. I feel like I haven't known her for the last 3 months. I can't believe I didn't notice either.
She is the first in our group of friends to have a baby, and I think it'll change the entire dynamic of the group.
I've had a pretty rough time of it lately, with a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stress. I've been depressed (so OH says) and this just feels like another bad thing to add to the list. I do feel awful for being such a selfish bitch, I know I'm a selfish bitch and I should just be happy for her, but I realise just how completely children change your life forever and I can see that in about 6 months, if not before, what we had will change forever and I think I'm mourning the loss of that, as well as my other losses. We work together, we socialise together, we share hobbies. I feel like it is a lot to lose.
I'm hoping to get married in 2014 and she is my chief bridesmaid. I know she's not going to have much time, if any, to help me. I was planning on relying on her for dress shopping and all the other stuff that comes with planning a wedding, but now I can't. I feel very alone, because there isn't anyone else I can rely on (they either live very far away or have kids themselves).
Feel free to tell me I'm a selfish bitch (I know I am, this post is all about me, me, me). I'm going to go back to counselling I think but I'm sick of it though, and sick of feeling depressed and anxious all the bloody time.
I realise this is just the beginning, all my friends are getting married and having babies and I worry I will feel pressure to have a baby to fit in and be a part of it. I know I'll feel lonely not being able to share experiences with them, but that isn't a reason to have a child, I know (and I don't think I could put myself through it either). I know it is going to feel very lonely being childless by choice, when everyone is chatting babies and breastfeeding and dirty nappies, I will have nothing to contribute.
I feel like a total bitch, probably because I am. Any advice/comments/stories/abuse/experiences gratefully received.
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I think I'm evil... Best friend is pregnant and I'm gutted
58 replies
NotNormal · 18/10/2012 05:58
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