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I think I'm evil... Best friend is pregnant and I'm gutted

(59 Posts)
NotNormal Thu 18-Oct-12 05:58:35

I feel awful. Yesterday my closest friend with whom I share everything told me she's three months pregnant. I pretended to be happy for her but I'm horrified. I felt my entire life turn on its head when she told me. I've been awake since 4am.

I'm in my late twenties and I've decided not to have kids myself. I have a step son and nieces and nephews and I'm happy with that. I was an au pair and babysitter for years and I've seen my sisters have kids and suffer the relentless sleepless nights and bad behaviour. My oldest sister I'm sure is depressed, she has two kids and is constantly miserable. I've always known from about age 12 having kids isn't for me (the childbirth video when I was 12 didn't help). One of my other friends had a baby recently, 2 months after the birth she was nearly suicidal and just wanted to hand him back. I know how hard it is, because I've seen so many people struggle through it. Especially when kids are young it just seems like constant illness and constant worry.

I am happy for my best friend, but I know that our lives are going to change so very much, and I'm struggling to come to terms with this. We'll inevitably see less of each other, when we do she'll have a baby in tow and she is going to be very tied up with the baby for the foreseeable future. She is also going to want to be left alone after the birth and I'm really going to miss her.

I feel so left out. For the last three months she's been walking around with this knowledge, her body changing, and she's said nothing to me because her DH told her not to. It's completely changed how I see her. I feel like I haven't known her for the last 3 months. I can't believe I didn't notice either.

She is the first in our group of friends to have a baby, and I think it'll change the entire dynamic of the group.

I've had a pretty rough time of it lately, with a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stress. I've been depressed (so OH says) and this just feels like another bad thing to add to the list. I do feel awful for being such a selfish bitch, I know I'm a selfish bitch and I should just be happy for her, but I realise just how completely children change your life forever and I can see that in about 6 months, if not before, what we had will change forever and I think I'm mourning the loss of that, as well as my other losses. We work together, we socialise together, we share hobbies. I feel like it is a lot to lose.

I'm hoping to get married in 2014 and she is my chief bridesmaid. I know she's not going to have much time, if any, to help me. I was planning on relying on her for dress shopping and all the other stuff that comes with planning a wedding, but now I can't. I feel very alone, because there isn't anyone else I can rely on (they either live very far away or have kids themselves).

Feel free to tell me I'm a selfish bitch (I know I am, this post is all about me, me, me). I'm going to go back to counselling I think but I'm sick of it though, and sick of feeling depressed and anxious all the bloody time.

I realise this is just the beginning, all my friends are getting married and having babies and I worry I will feel pressure to have a baby to fit in and be a part of it. I know I'll feel lonely not being able to share experiences with them, but that isn't a reason to have a child, I know (and I don't think I could put myself through it either). I know it is going to feel very lonely being childless by choice, when everyone is chatting babies and breastfeeding and dirty nappies, I will have nothing to contribute.

I feel like a total bitch, probably because I am. Any advice/comments/stories/abuse/experiences gratefully received.

AnneTwacky Thu 18-Oct-12 06:21:34

I don't think you're a bitch but you already know you're being a bit unfair on your friend.

You're doing the right thing going back to counselling as you do seem very down.

For what it's worth, life is full of changes, but that's not a bad thing. When you get married, for example, that's a big change but it's also positive and it's just the same with your friend's baby. It will be a change, but for the better.

I think, although your friend will be busy with the baby, she would still love to be your chief bridesmaid so please don't discount her because she will have a toddler.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

GupX Thu 18-Oct-12 06:22:31

You do need to take a step back. This is her life, not yours.

You will make more friends, if you feel you can't maintain your friendship when her baby arrives.

HeinousHecate Thu 18-Oct-12 06:26:41

You already know this is not actually about your friend, it's about your anxiety and depression. So go back to counselling, see your GP and see what other help they can offer and be kind to yourself.

you're not going to tell her how you're feeling, you're going to be suitably excited and supportive, she doesn't need to know what's currently going through your head.

Of course things will change. You have to accept that. but people have babies, people move to different stages in their lives. That is normal, welcome - hell, it's exciting !

You are not a bitch, not selfish, not the foulest of all people to ever walk the earth. You're just having a hard time of it and that's affecting how you're seeing things.

(many people don't tell anyone until after 12 weeks because that's the point at which it's considered 'safe'. Before that, miscarriages are more common. It's got nothing to do with how close she feels to you, or anything like that.)

Loveweekends10 Thu 18-Oct-12 06:46:22

Children can change your life in lovely and positive ways. The baby stage doesn't last long or the sleepless stage.
Be happy for your friend.

Jemma1111 Thu 18-Oct-12 06:50:58

Well you obviously like children if you've been an au pair and now a stepmother , by reading your post I feel that your jealousy of your friend having a baby is maybe down to the fact that your body is trying to tell you something !

In other words I'm not convinced that you really don't want a child .

pigletmania Thu 18-Oct-12 06:56:08

I understand where you are coming from, but she is entitled to live the life she wants and if that means having kds so be it. I am sure you knew that she wanted kids in the future. Just because you have children dies not mean life stops, and that life is going to b negative. Still see her, arrange to meet etc, I am sure she will need a very good friend to support her, and that is what you should do

clpsmum Thu 18-Oct-12 06:58:22

Why are you on MUMsnet if you're not and never want to be a mum??? Not sure I believe this post tbh

Flisspaps Thu 18-Oct-12 07:02:46

clpsmum there are loads of people on mumsnet who aren't mothers, never will be or don't want to be. Not sure I see the relevance or need for your post hmm

OP you're not a selfish bitch, go easy on yourself.

lunar1 Thu 18-Oct-12 07:04:34

I think if you really don't plan to have children you need to find something to enrich your life that does not rely on other people. It is sad when life means you are forced to move onto a different stage, but you cannot rely on others to fill in something that is missing from your own.

I think in addition to counselling you need to start trying out hobbies and clubs that you can do independently.

You seem to have a very negative view on parenting, there are some wonderful aspects too

CuriosityColaKilledTheCat Thu 18-Oct-12 07:07:35

I think you should ask to have this moved from Aibu. It is normal to be sad when your friendship dynamics change. It isn't good to feel this much resentment over other people's life style choices. If you have a step child and have been an au pair then you should have plenty to contribute.

I think the counselling sounds like a good idea. One of my best friends is never having children, but she didn't right me off when I decided to have mine. I love being a mum and feel it has changed my life for the better. Not everyone hates it.

LordFlasheart Thu 18-Oct-12 07:11:22

not everyone who has a kid ends up depressed. You have a very bleak view of motherhood, but i do understand that you feel shocked by the whole baby thing, i think you just need to start building your life up a bit without your friend, sounds like you rely on her a lot for companionship, do loads together etc. That will of course change, but she will still around though!

armedtotheteeth Thu 18-Oct-12 07:19:07

I remember feeling gutted when two very close uni friends were both expecting their first child at the same time, and that's despite the fact that I planned on having my own children at some point as well. I felt everything was going to change, that it was the end of an era.

However our relationship didn't change as much a I thought it would.

I bet your friend will still want to be bridemaid. If her baby is still small she can easily bring it along dress shopping and if it's a bit older someone can babysit while she enjoys a bit of child-free time with you.

One last thing: After I had my first baby, a couple of my childless friends just vanished completely and I still miss them. Don't assume she won't want or need your friendship anymore.

maddening Thu 18-Oct-12 07:37:33

Late 20's is a big time for change regardless of whether that change is having children, partners, careers etc this change of dynamic might happen anyway.

Don't write off your friendship right now though.

exoticfruits Thu 18-Oct-12 07:51:00

I think that you knew the answer before you posted. You seem to be quite a responsibility and quite needy as a friend. As you get older lives that ran together do move apart- if it wasn't a baby she could emigrate, take a job with very unsociable hours- any manner of things- it doesn't mean that you can't still get together at times.
You are very young to make long term decisions- you have at least 20years to change your mind about babies or lifestyle direction - just be pleased for her.

perplexedpirate Thu 18-Oct-12 07:51:20

My friend has since told me that she felt like this when I got married and had DS. It's a big change, and change is always scary, but DS is nearly 5 now, and we're fine. In fact we're better than fine.
She loves my DS, DS loves her and yes, it has changed the group dynamic, but we're not kids anymore.
If your friend is the first to have a baby she'll need a lot of support as it's really hard to be out there as the first.
Stay by her side, and once the dust has settled you may find there's a new, improved relationship waiting to be had.

SheppySheepdog Thu 18-Oct-12 07:53:20

I lost a friend who felt very like you did when I fell pregnant. My life did change from all recognition overnight and I fought against it on several occasions to spend time with her and try to make her feel better but she was very bitter about it and couldn't seem to be flexible on this point.. She didn't want children, which is fair enough, lots of people don't, but referring to children as "snotty brats" in front of a hormonal new mother still adjusting to these huge changes was not her finest hour. grin

Your life is going to change as well as hers and it's sad. I get the "end of an era" thing because my friends were always the most important part of my life and now it's without doubt my husband and family. Priorities change but my friends still come a very close second, certainly before sleep and housework grin and I have maintained lots of very good, close friendships. Sometimes you see people a bit less but just pick up where you left off iyswim and feel just as close.

Rambling here but I know exactly where you are coming from. Don't give up on your friendship, it can and will last, its just entering a new phase. Hope you feel better soon.

Woofsaidtheladybird Thu 18-Oct-12 07:58:45

I'm with armed a few posts above. I had my first baby in my late thirties so my social scene was 'set' iyswim. I really noticed when my childless friends drifted away and it was heartbreaking. Yes, I had a baby, but I was still me, and needed girly chats, nights out etc etc. Be there for your friend - she'll need you. Am sure she will love to be your chief bridesmaid still. My ex best friend sacked me as chief bridesmaid when I was 4 months pregnant (3 days before the wedding, but that's another story!) - I was absolutely gutted. Your friend will relish your stories and live the outside world vicariously through you! You're not selfish, just honest. Best of luck xx

iloveshortshorts Thu 18-Oct-12 08:10:26

clpsmum- the op was an aupair and a baby sitter maybe thats how she found mums net and she also has a step son...

ErikNorseman Thu 18-Oct-12 08:15:05

Having a baby doesn't make you a different person! Yes you are overreacting. Why wouldn't she be there for you when you get married in 2014?!?! I was a bridesmaid when DS was 5 weeks old, was wedding dress shopping with another when DS was 2 months old. You have a very strange and negative perspective on parenthood. Maybe it is your depression affecting your thinking.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Thu 18-Oct-12 08:20:09

Well tbh I'm horrified by your post but I hope that these feelings come from your state of anxiety and not from anything else. Don't think about going back to counselling, just go.

If you want to keep your friend you are going to have to work hard against these feelings and do the things that friends do. I think if she read this post there's a good chance she would be so upset it ends your friendship so whatevcer else you do don't tell her these are your current feelings.

I really hope this passes for you and you can welcome your friend's baby with joy. Friends having babies is fab, honestly - it's a new joy in their lives and a new person to meet who thinks you're quite cool smile

diddl Thu 18-Oct-12 08:26:39

She might want to remain friends.

It is possible for people with children to be friends with people who don´t have them!

As for the bridesmaid thing-what type of wedding are you planning?

I did it all myself-my bridesmaid just tried on her dress!

You do seem to have been through a lot-but your friend´s life is abour her, not you!

HKat Thu 18-Oct-12 08:30:30

Again, I ditto what armed said above. I never thought I wanted kids so when close friends started getting pregnant when I was about your age, I was secretly gutted about how MY life would be affected. That doesn't mean I wasn't still over the moon for them, and made sure I was there for them when they needed me. Fast forward 6-7 years and the boot was on the other foot. A close friend reacted very badly to my pregnancy - he won't be having kids himself and as I previously hadn't shown the inclination, I think he thought I'd somehow sold out on him. Either way, he ignored me for a few weeks after the announcement which hurt a lot. He came round after a while though and couldn't be more supportive now. My very best friend reacted the same way to my pregnancy as I had all those years ago - she admitted she was terrified that things were changing, end of an era etc - but has never swayed in her support of me. People do naturally think about how other people's circumstances will affect them, so its a little unfair to call the op selfish. In my opinion she will only be this if she withdraws from her friend and fails to support her. OP talk to your friend. Explain how you're feeling, but reassure her you are happy for her and that you want to be a major part of her little one's life. Right now it feels like she's 'let you down' - but life does go on, promise! Good luck smile

featherbag Thu 18-Oct-12 08:36:49

I had 'close' friends like you before I had my DS. Haven't seen them since he was born, in fact all I've had is excuses and now I've given up on them. Be there for your friend, and either make a decision to put the effort into maintaining your friendship during the pregnancy and after the birth, or distance yourself now. Just after giving birth to your PFB is not the best time to find out your friends are only friends while your lifestyle suits theirs, especially if your friend suffers complications and/or PND.

BegoniaBigtoes Thu 18-Oct-12 08:37:52

Op I think your feelings are understandable - but you do seem to be bit obsessed by how hard children are, maybe because of your experiences. Whether your friend will be able to carry on doing things with you depends a lot on many things like what her baby is like, if she has family to help out, how she herself reacts to the whole thing. She might really welcome having a non-mum friend who's still interested in her as a person and wants to go out and do fun stuff with her. Plus you have a lot of experience with kids and could be really helpful. If I was her I'd be horrified that you thought things were never going to be the same again - give it all a chance, it could be great.

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