To be so pissed off with my mother !!!!!

[GossipWitch]

I have just rang my mum, I haven't spoken to her since my birthday, tried to ring her on her's but got no answer, was also in the highlands so reception wasn't great and couldn't try again later in the day.

Basically I rang her tonight and she denies me ringing her as she was sat in all day, and then said she was gutted because she "always makes the effort for us lot so thanks a fucking bunch", and then put the phone down.

The thing is this year is the first year since I was 21 (30 now), that she has actually sent me a card, I have never recieved a Christmas card since I left home, and she has never sent my kids a birthday card either eldest being 10, she hasn't been down to visit me since ds2 was born (now 4), the only time she has seen my kids in the last 4 years is when I've spent £40 on train ticket to go and visit her.

She was referring to us lot as being me and my brother's, one of whom turned 21 this year and didn't even receive a phone call on his birthday from her, I'm so angry with her, I've been trying to build a relationship with her for years and years and I keep getting throwbacks like this constantly, she hated me as a teen I was an inconvenience as a child and she palmed me off constantly to my nan and her friends until I was 6.

Now that I'm a fully fledged adult, I have no idea what she wants form me, apart from a phone call on her birthday.

I was hoping to surprise her with a visit as soon as I passed my driving test in November. Guess that's not going to happen now. I'm so angry and upset.

[BattlingFanjos]

That's really crap :( sending hugs your way!!
She sounds like my dad, all a bit me, me, me. Massively difficult to deal with when it's someone who should be there for you no matter what and it always seems to be the other way round. The best advice my mum ever gave me in dealing with people like that (my dad) was to either accept them for who and what they are or not at all. I decided I couldn't accept him and walked away from a relationship with him around 6 months ago. It's saved me lots of heartache and my life is much simplier and drama free! Have you spoken to her about the past and how she treats you now? Hope you're ok OP, it's a really shitty thing to go through with a parent xxx

[GossipWitch]

I did a fair few years back, but then I felt incredibly guilty because she basically said I know I've been a crap mum gossip, but I thought that was best at the time, I later found out from my brother that when she got off the phone she sobbed all night. I decided never to say anything harmful like that again, even if she can be vile with her tongue.

I fell out with her for a year after ds2 was born because she came down to visit my auntie and I went up with ds2 at Christmas time, she was drunk and basically slagging my nan off, going on about my grandad who had been dead for 30 years and upsetting my nan so much she had to leave, ds2 woke up for a feed and after the bottle had warmed she took the bottle off me and took a swig from it, the whole room stood completely horrified and she just retorted with "oh well she's probably got more diseases than me anyway!!" My auntie gave her an absolute tongue lashing. The more I look back on it the worse this relationship seems but is it really to much to ask to have a relationship with my mum.

[zombieplanmum]

Does she have mental health issues?

[GossipWitch]

She suffer's from depression and has done for years.

[slartybartfast]

does she drink too much?

[zombieplanmum]

that probably explains things, not trying to make excuses for her in any way, just looking for a way for you to feel less hurt about it iyswim.

[GossipWitch]

slartybartfast No not really, she only drinks when she's out but doesn't know when to stop, then she turns into bitch from hell, but most of the time stepdad will take her home before she goes too far.

zombie I know how depression can change her moods, and I've seen her at her lowest, and generally its me she takes it out on the most, like when I was a teenager, and a small child, I just feel so angry that it is always me, my brother's made no attempt to ring her on her birthday, I was the only one who did, even if she didn't answer. (I have proof on my phone), and yet she has a go at me. Grrrrr she makes me so mad !

[slartybartfast]

i'm sorry.

[redwhiteandblueeyedsusan]

grr indeed.

if she says you did not ring, say oh well |i tried you may not have heard the phone, the ringer may have been turned off.. you may have just popped out into the garden, or whatever.

sounds like you are not getting much support frrom the relationship though. would it be easier to ease back on the contact?

[R2PeePoo]

It sounds like your brother has the right idea in taking a step back, have you tried talking to him about it?

I have a very difficult relationship with my father and ended up having to get counselling. My counsellor helped me to see that there was nothing wrong with me, I am a normal human being and a better daughter than I actually needed to be to him. The problem lies with him and unless he wants to change himself then there is nothing I can do about it. Its a very toxic relationship and it was making me very unhappy so she encouraged me to mourn the father that I don't have and will never have, and to listen to my gut and take the relationship on my own terms and not his. Now I don't feel guilty about never ringing him and don't do more than the bare minimum of contact. The counsellor has helped me build up my confidence and my sense of self-esteem and made me see that I don't need him in my life, he is in it on my terms and I don't have to have him there at all if I don't want to. I don't care about his sulks and guilt-tripping any more.

Your mothers depression and issues are her problem and not yours. If she is making you unhappy then you don't have to have her in your life just because she is your mother. I felt like I had a 'duty' to my dad as his daughter (interestingly my brother has also taken a step back and sees him only at Xmas) but that 'duty' only works in a normal reciprocal relationship - which this is not.

[GossipWitch]

Thankyou r2peepoo (love the name) I feel like I had already taken a step back by not ringing her all the time, I haven't physically seen her for over a year, as I've been too busy to go up and visit her, I really don't want to cut all ties with her, she's still my mum, I know people who would give their right arm to have their mother's back in their lives. She's already estranged herself from her entire family, I don't want to be estranged from her too, I honestly felt that she was warming to me after the birthday card and everything, but now ... well I just dont know :(

[GossipWitch]

I'm going to go to bed now, I want to sleep before dp comes home from watching John Bishop, then I cant ruin his awesome night with my sadness and woe, Not that he'd think of it like that, he'd just be upset that I was upset.

[DappyHays]

I can hardly bear to be in the same room as my mother most of the time. She snaps when she's pissed too. If she's remembered bits she will apologise to DH, never me. DH gets it in the neck, because she knows she can't get to me. The only way for her is to get at me through him. If it wasn't for my kids loving her, I'd have told her to fuck off to the far side of fuck by now.

She a lying manipulative narc, and she fucking can't bear it that I can see right through her.

[DappyHays]

Sorry gossip for my rant about my mother, but your post struck a nerve and I feel your pain.

[scarlettsmummy2]

I would let her go to be honest. She has behaved appallingly for whatever reason and it isn't up to you to try and form a relationship with her when all she is doing is rejecting you time and time again. I firmly believe that you shouldn't make someone a priority if they only make you an option.

[GossipWitch]

I feel like leaving her a really snotty post on facebook with a photo attached of my phone logs showing her that I did ring her on her birthday, but I know that it would be really childish.

[Flisspaps]

What positives do you gain from keeping in touch?

[GossipWitch]

A mum?

[Walkacrossthesand]

Her perceptions & reactions are all distorted aren't they - to feel that 'she always makes the effort for you' yet not be prepared to accept your statement that you did call on her birthday - and in fact it's you calling her again now, yet she hangs up on you...I've read a bit about 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' ( the DONM website) but I have no personal experience. I would really want to make her look at your phone screenshot showing the call made on the day in question but I'd do it privately (letter or FB message, not FB wall post) in the context of a note saying that you are hurt at her reaction and asking her to initiate further contact when she's ready to apologise. Because YANBU!

[ENormaSnob]

She is a shit mother and you are gaining nothing positive from having a relationship with her.

[GossipWitch]

Just read the DONM website, she is a bloody narcissistic mother. What do I do now, really do want to give her a piece of my mind, she's such a cow!! arrrggggghhhhh

[Pixieonthemoor]

I think Walkacrossthesand is absolutely spot on and very wise. Perhaps you can add some open ended questions for her to consider eg. When was the last time you called me/visited my children/sent a birthday card to my children/were you aware that it was your son's 21st birthday recently? Might make her start thinking about the fact that she doesn't "make all the effort with you lot" if she actually has to think about dates etc.

Your comment about hoping she was "warming to you" just breaks my heart. What sort of mother has to warm to their child??

Depression is a terrible terrible illness but there is plenty of help available and no excuse for being so toxic.

[GossipWitch]

pixie tbh I think I just want to cut her out of my life for good now, I'll relay my thoughts and proof to my brother, who can tell her that I no longer want her in my life, and her efforts have been extremely poor and the only effort she has made lately is my sodding birthday card, and my annual birthday phone call, the rest has been up to me to ring and visit her. And also I have gone through my entire adult life from the age of 16 with very little input from her apart from the belittling and blame and guilt she has made me feel through her own actions, fuck it I may even write her a letter for him to pass on.

[boredandrestless]

Gossip I have cut contact with a parent and feel better for it. I don't miss the "relationship" we had, as it wasn't a positive healthy one anyway. I feel sad sometimes that I don't have that parent figure in my life but I didn't even when they were around. I try to keep positive people around me and remember the phrase friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

I get more support, encouragement and positivity from friends -
even acquaintances can be more supportive than a toxic parent I've found!

[BlueSkySinking]

I think you should have no expectations of her, yes do the polite thing but generally aim to accept her ways. Then make sure you do everything differently for your own family.