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Aibu to be concerned that my ds is going to be the preschool 'thug'?

(48 Posts)
Onlyhappywhenitrains Wed 17-Oct-12 20:12:57

Ds (3.4) started preschool last week. He is only doing one five hour session a week to begin with but I'm planning to increase him to two sessions in November. The reason being that they could only offer me certain days and we already have something on the days that they had available until then.

Anyway ds seemed to settle ok last week but didn't want to go this morning which I know is pretty common. When I fetched him he was pale and his eyes were red and they told me he'd been upset because he didn't like the lunch so had tried to hide in the toilets so he didn't have to eat it. I asked if his behaviour generally had been ok and they said yes.

Ds has talked quite a bit about nursery - I was sad when you left me mommy, I cried when you left me etc which I have just glossed over as mich as I can. However when going to be tonight he said 'they don't like me at nursery they said I was a very naughty boy.' I asked him why and apparently he'd hit someone on the head (not sure why, he says he doesn't know but that he was upset because I'd left him) and then gone and sat in the tunnel because he knew he was in trouble. He then said 'when I came out the tunnel I had to stand by (his key worker) and she said I couldn't play with anyone and that I'd never have any friends and she was very cross.'
He also wet himself today but he has been dry for about six months and he was upset about that too.

I'm worried because I don't want him to be the badly behaved child that everyone dreads but I can't control his behaviour at preschool can I? I can only be consistent at home with him. Should I mention the hitting incident when I take him next week? I wish the keyworker had told me when I fetched him. Now ds is upset and saying he's not going back because no one likes him and they're all very cross. Despite the smacking the child on the head thing he is (believe it or not) quite sensitive!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Wed 17-Oct-12 20:19:36

You should be more concerned about what his key worker said than what your upset little boy did. Does he usually make stuff up? Because if he doesn't and he was my little boy he would not be going back.

Iggly Wed 17-Oct-12 20:21:25

shock at the key worker!! That's not on at all.

He's new at this - cut him some slack and go easy on him, poor thing

D0G Wed 17-Oct-12 20:22:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onlyhappywhenitrains Wed 17-Oct-12 20:22:48

No...I don't think he's making it up. He does have a bit of a flair for the dramatic sometimes but he seems to be repeating something that had been said to him. I don't think he's making it up because he seems to definite and has said the same story several times now, exactly the same each time.

Onlyhappywhenitrains Wed 17-Oct-12 20:23:24

too definite.

RottenLuck Wed 17-Oct-12 20:23:42

Children don't always tell you exactly what happened but I would have expected something to have been mentioned to you by the key worker given what he told you. I would ask them about it, not just the hitting part, find out how they dealt with it. It's still early days, I am sure he is not a thug, they all do things like that at this age.

RawShark Wed 17-Oct-12 20:24:00

Yup you need to get to the bottom of it es next - I thought after reading that you were asking for advice on how to bollock express your concerns with nursery.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 17-Oct-12 20:25:02

He is too little to be a thug! He probably did act out because he was upset, and the key worker did not handle it very well if he feels like everyone hates him.
And I say this as a parent of a child who is more likely to get hit than be hit iyswim.
Have a word with nursery.

Nancy66 Wed 17-Oct-12 20:26:20

five hours is quite a long time to do in one hit if he's not used to it but I do see that you said there was limited availability.

I'd chat with the key worker. He may well just be upset, tired and letting his imagination run away with him.

whathasthecatdonenow Wed 17-Oct-12 20:26:53

I wouldn't be so sure that it isn't exaggerated or made up. Friend's DS told her he'd been hit and threatened by a little boy called Joseph. Friend went up to pre-school to find out what had happened and there isn't even a Joseph at pre-school!

I'd certainly go and speak to them about what he has said, but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing just in case.

Iggly Wed 17-Oct-12 20:27:24

Have just re read. One five hour session?! That's far too long IMO. My DS is knackered after 3 hours.

Onlyhappywhenitrains Wed 17-Oct-12 20:27:26

I wasn't sure whether to mention it or not, as I would have thought if they were concerned about the hitting thing she would have told me. But I kind of want to raise it with them now simply because ds seems to upset about it. It's the not liking him part he is most upset about but that may well be his own interpretation of being told of and they had to say something to him if he smacked another child on the head.
However I am slightly concerned about the 'never having any friends' part.

Onlyhappywhenitrains Wed 17-Oct-12 20:28:46

I think I will reduce the session to four hours and take him home before lunch given that lunch upset him too. He is a fussy eater in social situations and I was hoping that it would help him in readiness for school next year.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Wed 17-Oct-12 20:33:50

Yes, that's what stuck out to me and also him being called 'a very naughty boy'. It was his first day, he was clearly upset and if what he said was true then his key worker should not be working in a nursery. I did an NVQ3 in child care and I would not have left my goldfish in the care if some of the people in my class, let alone a child. Unless you desperately need him in nursery then I would seek to clarify the facts of what was said and done and depending on the outcome look at taking him elsewhere. It wasn't on for him to hit but your DS's behaviour is not the concern here.

recall Wed 17-Oct-12 20:38:36

Can you hang around for a bit next time ?? see what is going on ? I did that initially and gradually stayed less and less once my daughter was settled.

She once went to a different pre school, and there was an issue with her going to the toilet. She said that she asked them to help her wipe her bum after a poo, and "the lady" said "can you do it yourself?"

I thought that the play group leader had told her to do it herself, in a can't be arsed way, but after some fishing, I realised that because she didn't know my daughter, she was just establishing if she was able to do it by herself. My daughter misinterpreted what was said, so it was worth discussing with the staff.

Mrsjay Wed 17-Oct-12 20:39:33

soeak to his preschool explain what he told you and see what they say, don't pull him out or anything rash because of 1 incident he may not have made things up but he may be using different words, he will settle but speak to his keyworker

Mrsjay Wed 17-Oct-12 20:39:43

speak*

TandB Wed 17-Oct-12 20:40:07

I would make sure you get to the bottom of exactly what was said. Three year-olds don't always get it right or put things across properly.

It is possible that it happened exactly as he said, in which case you will obviously need to think carefully about whether you want him to go back there and what reassurances you will need. Or it is possible that another child said "you're a very naughty boy and I don't want to be your friend" which led to him going and sitting on his own, and then his keyworker giving him a time out before talking to him about it and saying something along the lines of "people won't want to be your friend if you aren't nice to them. People will be cross if you hit them."

Or any combination of those two scenarios!

recall Wed 17-Oct-12 20:40:08

* slightlysuperior* I think that hitting other children is a big concern !!!

Onlyhappywhenitrains Wed 17-Oct-12 20:41:33

I'm a sahm, I'm sending him really because he will be starting school next year as one of the younger children in his year group and so hoped that this would help prepare him a bit.
The keyworker has been very pleasant when I've spoken to her previously. I will reduce the hours next week to only four and just mention the hitting thing and see what they say. If I can get him to go again that is. Generally he is sociable and outgoing but at the moment I don't think he's going to be too impressed about going back. Also being tired massively affects his behaviour so perhaps being tired and a bit overwhelmed caused the aggressive behaviour.

recall Wed 17-Oct-12 20:42:28

It sounds to me as though OP's son is feeling self conscious because his behaviour has been challenged which will do him good.

Mrsjay Wed 17-Oct-12 20:44:05

Or he may have just lashed out nursery is a huge step for them and he couldve been really angry you left him but it is ok for him to be angry (not hitting though) and i do think they can benefit to going to preschool do speak to his nursery worker and tell them your worries they will try and help him settle in, It was only is first day of course he is going to be a bit miffed at you but he will be ok smile

Iggly Wed 17-Oct-12 20:44:21

Even 4 hours seem too long.

I'd do 2 x 3 hour sessions (can't you change stuff on other days?) instead. That breaks the day up nicely and if they're mornings, gives him the afternoon to recover.

Onlyhappywhenitrains Wed 17-Oct-12 20:45:00

recall they aren't happy for me to stop.

Do you think I should be concerned about the hitting behaviour? He knows it's wrong, hence the sitting in the tunnel but doesn't seem to always be able to control himself at the time. I do think, generally having taught reception myself, that this is more of a 'boy' trait. The anxiety comes out as aggression. I know it isn't acceptable but I'm hoping he will grow out of it! Normally when he's at places with me he is fine but has been hit by other children on a number of occasions!

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