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To still be angry and not want to talk to sibling

(53 Posts)
FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 14:59:34

Hi, been lurking and this is my first post, so I'm hoping that people will be gentle! Sorry - long.

Basically, my sister really upset me 3 years ago and I'm still fuming about it. She moved abroad with an Polish man, and it didn't work out, so she was back within the year.

She had no job when she came back, we had entered the recession and my mum and dad didn't want to put her up (she has previous form for taking the piss). So, I let her stay at mine on the understanding that she would contribute towards some of the bills. I was a single mum, working a 40 hour week and privately renting at the time.

Anyway, she wouldn't get a job for ages, and was vile to me saying that just because I was working in a shitty job that I hated, that didn't mean that she had to do it.

We also got a small inheritance each. She spent hers within a month, and she borrowed some of mine, which I had decided to save. Never paid me back, never paid towards bills. But, she had met a bloke who ended up being round at my house every night. I kept finding cocaine paraphernalia on my best plate (they were smoking skunk also), and I asked my sister to stop, because my son was in the house. She basically told me to piss off. She ate all the packed lunch food for my son when she had the munchies in the evening, and I'd frequently wake up to find there was nothing left for my son's lunch, so had a mad dash to get shopping, drop my son off at chilminders and get to work. Again, when I pulled her up on this she got very nasty and threatening.

Anyway, I became very ill during this time and I was basically hauling my arse into work and coming home in the evening and crashing out. My parents had to pretty much look after my son for a couple of months until I got better. During this time my house became very messy! I asked my sister if she could stop having her boyfriend over every night so I could have some privacy. She told me that we both knew that there was nothing physically wrong with me and that I had a mental health problem and needed help. Apparently she could tell this by the fact that my house way messy. Anyway, I was very physically ill at the time and struggling to not lose my job and the house I was renting.

Oh yeah, it turned out the money she was borrowing off me and my parents was to buy coke and skunk. She even smoked skunk in the house the night before my boss had to pop over to drop something off. The house stank and I had to rush round sorting it out.

Fast forward to the present, my sister has had a baby and it's like she expects me to be cool about everything. She has never once said sorry, or paid any money back. I'm not worried about the money, but I really don't think I can forgive her, especially for saying I was mentally ill when I was going through a time of serious helath problems. I don't want to be part of her, or her childs life. I know her and my parents are hurt by this. But I can't help the way I feel. AIBU to not want anything to do with her indefinitely?

Thanks if you made it this far!

Flisspaps Wed 17-Oct-12 15:01:56

YANBU.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Oct-12 15:02:54

YANBU. If you wanted to take the moral high ground you could observe birthdays and Christmas with cards or something. But I can see why you wouldn't want her any closer than that. Do your parents actually know what happened to their money, your house, the MH accusations and so on, or do they think you've just had a bit of a tiff?

FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 15:04:36

My parents know everything and shrugged it off and think it's water under the bridge. All of my family are like that, I'm the sensitive one who can't forget these things.

YANBU. She sounds dreadful.

If she was just a friend you wouldnt feel this torn. You would cut her out. Just because she is your sister doesnt mean you have to speak to her. She treated you awfully at a time when you were hellping her out and you could have done with her support. Any relationship requires give and take but all she has done is take.

Im sorry, I know its hard when its family. I hope your illness has improved.

FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 15:07:22

Apparently her and her partner are having a tough time finacially and need to sell their car. Mum and dad suggested that I could get in touch with her to offer some moral support. I really don't feel like doing that. Btw, now she has to work in a shitty job that she hates.

My health is much better thanks.

BeingBooyhoo Wed 17-Oct-12 15:07:35

YANBU she sounds toxic. i couldn't have her in my life, sister or not. she has hurt you and endangered your child by her actions and shows no remorse. no way would i want to be anywhere near her.

BeingBooyhoo Wed 17-Oct-12 15:09:06

when your mum says you shoudl get in touch and offer moral support is that code for get in touch and give them money?

onmyhonour Wed 17-Oct-12 15:09:42

my sister is the same nasty and hurtful and then comes back with this amazing version of events which make you/others out to be the bad guy. i will have nothing to do with her any more. its just not worth it.

SugariceAndScary Wed 17-Oct-12 15:09:44

I don't blame you for not wanting to be in contact with her, she treated you appallingly.

Stick to your guns otherwise she may take advantage again.

maddening Wed 17-Oct-12 15:10:06

If she sincerely apologised could you forgive her?

If so send her a link to this thread and say you are open to her apology when she appreciates what she has done wrong.

If nothing she could say would result in forgiveness then spell out exactly what she has done and explain that you really can not forgive her.

I could not stay quiet if it were me - I think you need closure by way of her acknowledging exactly what a nob she was.

radiohelen Wed 17-Oct-12 15:10:17

YANBU

She came into your home and treated you like shit, hurt your feelings, ignored and disrespected you. Why don't you suggest everyone goes to her house, shits in her fridge, tell her she's a crap mother, pour away all her babyfood/formula and then smoke drugs in front of her child.

See if she still wants to be friends then.

FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 15:10:47

Thanks, I have come to the conclusion that just because she's family, I don't have to stay in contact. Friends have said that blood's thicker than water etc, but I think you don't choose your family.

I mainly feel bad because it's upsetting for my mum and dad.

maddening Wed 17-Oct-12 15:12:15

And does your mum know what she did - of so what on earth is she pestering you for! If not tell her.

Toxic families very rarely accept they are being knobs. I really advise against any kind of confrontation. It sounds like your parents will side with her and you will come away feeling worse than ever.

Just keep your distance quietly.

FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 15:12:54

radiohelen, yes, that just about sums up my feelings. I wish I could forgive and forget, but I honenstly can't.

Lambzig Wed 17-Oct-12 15:14:31

She does sound dreadful. I think that if she had said sorry for her behaviour (assuming its not the same boyfriend/lifestyle) and had tried to make amends it would be different, but as she was so unkind to you and so ungrateful, I really dont blame you for not wanting to get involved.

I guess you know your sister better than anyone here. Was she lovely and supportive up to that point or was it just a continuation of what sounds like incredibly selfish and dangerous behaviour.

Whatever you decide, I wouldnt give them money!

EldritchCleavage Wed 17-Oct-12 15:14:49

I'm the sensitive one who can't forget these things

Is that what they tell you? Are you the one who always has to put up with the others in the family riding roughshod over you and your feelings?

Because I think you can refuse to do that with a perfectly clear conscience.

It also sounds as though this is all coming from your mother. Has your sister been in contact with you directly? If not, I wonder why?

In her shoes, I'd be ringing you and addressing the past, not ignoring it. I'd say sorry and ask to start again. People who want their own bad behaviour in the past to be glossed over by everyone are highly likely to subject you to it all over again, I think. So I would tread warily.

FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 15:14:54

wannabedomesticgoddess, when I first became ill my parents also told me that I had mental problems and should go on antidepressants and seek help. It wasn't untill I got a dianosis that they decided to help me out. Tbh between them and my sister I started to seriously doubt my own sanity!

Lambzig Wed 17-Oct-12 15:17:07

Oh and I should say that I am normally hugely in favour of trying to resolve these issues (my two sisters have not spoken to each other for about 4 years now and I hate it and would love them to reconcile), but in your case I dont think you should capitulate without a sincere apology.

PrincessSymbian Wed 17-Oct-12 15:17:48

I have a sister who is similar in this regard, only talks to me when she wants something.
But I don't think she would ever take the piss that badly and that was bad!

FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 15:21:17

I think I'm going to carry on quietly ignoring her and side stepping any conversations about her or the baby.

I could have guessed as much.

They enabled your sister throughout the time she was living with you by supporting the mental health theory. They enable her selfish behaviour aswell by suggesting you give her moral support.

If you confront them, they will turn it all around and make out you are the "sensitive" one and you are being unreasonable.

I have had similar experiences with my family (though not as bad as saying I had mental health issues, thats really awful) and I have completely cut them all out.

FunBagFreddie Wed 17-Oct-12 15:25:45

wannabedomesticgoddess, I'm fine with my parents, and they did end up really helping me out when I was ill. My sister and her boyfriend are all 'respectable' now they have a baby. My reaction is 'yeah, and'.

I won't bring any of this up, because it will just cause upset, and yep, I will be the bad guy. I keep my distance from my family as much as possible tbh.

Thats good. Just dont let them guilt you into giving your sister support smile

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