Advanced search

To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)

(263 Posts)
Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 04:16:06

Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?

Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to wink ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her blush ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me shock & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.

Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?

Anyway this woman I've found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.

I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";

Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her F**king allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a mahoosive big, big way;

Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong sad); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know shock).

Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;

Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;

I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.

Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob' knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........

Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).

Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.


peedoffbird Wed 17-Oct-12 06:39:28

Thanks for that Proud. just my own opinion after all.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Wed 17-Oct-12 06:50:06

oh dear god, i dont think i will even bother. if you come across in RL as annoying as you do via the keyboard then good luck with your new gf!

Chubfuddler Wed 17-Oct-12 06:52:35

Yup, what proud said. I have a long but mostly deleted history of telling posters if both sexes to grow the fuck up.

BalloonSlayer Wed 17-Oct-12 06:53:07

2 observations.


"My new ... Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" "

She doesn't sound very nice there.


"She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper ... that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? "

Sounds like a crock of shit to me. The only instance I have heard of partners having to have a CRB check at all is if you are a childminder, because the partner is going to be in the same house as the mindees. This sounds like to me that

a) she thinks you are all a bit dodgy and is a bit scared of you all and is trying to get you to get checked out under false pretences to reassure herself.

or, more likely

b) her job is something to do with drugs and she is talking about some other sort of police check to do with drug use/dealing and she is suspicious of you due to the painkiller problem

Either way, she comes across as not anything like as much into you as you are into her.

You are seeing this relationship with her - which isn't even sexual yet is it? - as the love of your life. I think she sees it as "nice bloke but too strong too soon and waaaaay too much baggage."

Sorry sad

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 06:59:59

Well I repeat Peed - what advice are you offering the OP rather than just throwing out a unsubstantiated, lame-arse 'you're all man haters' nonsense and huffing about being allowed to have your opinion?

There is a slight chance that the OP will take notice of the many responses saying he does not come across well. And I mean really doesn't come across well. I think he is more than likely scaring off his 'lady' friend with his excessive personality so it might actually be useful for him to receive some tough feedback and embark on some inward looking.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:05:28

Balloon? Not the love of my life - just someone I have quite some regard for - Think she might have said it best actually when she said I've had a bad time in the past so possibly seize on any affection like a shark does blood;

As to your points?

A) Maybe she is getting me checked out under pretences but I'm not bothered - I've nothing to hide & she'll find nothing other than the recent paper tiger barrage of accusations from my ex';

B) Her job? Not sure she Has come across some very nasty characters in it involving quite possibly some who've used drugs & have attacked/threatened people AFAIK; She's definitely suspicious re' the PK's

As to her not being into me? She is the one who first wrote to me ever out of the two of us & She is the one who said she was "falling in love with you (me)" right out of the blue only a month or so ago on the phone to me; No it's not sexual yet (the r'ship) some closeness & hand holding & hugging is all but is nice like that - I enjoy that sort of closeness as much as sex; I don't as I said? See her/this as the love of my life yet - That? is for the/our future to determine - I do however see this as a Vast improvement on much of what has gone before with me - And yes she's told me I've come on strong at times before but then in the next phone call? She will start asking me about how I'd be if she was staying over at my house with me however many times each month & how I'd be with her getting used to living with me/at each others homes so not all one way no?

We shall see - you may be right - you may not? Time will tell as it always does. For now? She's made me happier in many respects than I have been for a long, long time & that? Is more than enough for me for

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:09:09

Proud'? I've said elsewhere on here? Tough feedback does/has helped & yes Inward looking is something I've done a lot since joining MN - not just re' me but men as a whole? Honestly I'm ashamed of my sex sometimes with half the stuff I read about going on behind closed doors on here with you ladies & marvel that you even go near us never mind live with & raise families with us; To say we all (men) need to grow up emotionally in many cases? Is an understatement & I feel really sorry for all the posters who suffer the levels of Abuse & Violence I've sometimes read about on here & ashamed that is often men behind it though not always as I'm only to aware.

Anyway Proud? It matters not - I prob' deserved a couple of smacks on the wrist after that car-crash OP (my first Really bad one on MN after about 7 so not a bad ratio no?).

I was a bit tired, emotional & angry/all mixed up when I wrote it so prob' went OTT I admit that the bolding is me emphasising words - I know it's wrong but have done it for so long now? It's an ingrained habit I find hard to stop - the strikeouts is me getting rid of inappropriate answers & looking for better ones - the question marks? Didn't notice that but will have a look now.

I've explained how I really see my ex' & potential partner & hope that was clearer & a little more concise?

Just to say as I said above a little - Being on MN is helping me a lot about being in tune with my emotions & unlike many blokes & poss' due to some of what I've suffered? I don't see sex as the be-all & end all in a r'ship In fact? My favourite parts are often cuddling/holding hands/just holding one another & the closeness - in fact? I feel what use is sex without closeness so prob' why I sound so intense? I just want someone who feels comfortable with both & I know that's rare or harder for men to express/we don't normally so may scare off some ladies in RL from me.

Further? Being on here has really opened my eyes to what goes on behind closed doors in RL & in truth? I'm amazed you wonderful, sensitive & caring women (in many cases I've read about but both sexes? Have their bad ones to)? Even think of putting up with us & humbled at the sacrifices some of you make - I've learnt far more being on here than I ever did on a hundred other forums so again? Thanks for being part of my teaching & learning process; I Only hope other men read & learn in the same way on here - I really think in the end? MN might open their eyes if only they'd take time to look...........

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:10:58

Chub'? Appreciate that & will try to grow up - think I need to anyhow.

Winteriscoming? Sorry you feel that way; I just have trouble sometimes expressing myself via 2 or 3 words at times & end up (unnecessarily) using 12 or 13 & I know it annoys people but am now trying to work on that & learn how to change. May take a while but am willing to try.......

MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:11:23

Do you think you could maybe stop it with the bolding? Why are you doing that on words that don't even warrant it? Your posts are almost impossible to read - I've done so twice now and still have no idea what you're on about. What are you on about?

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:12:55

Sorry old (& bad) habit Madge - don't know why I do it in truth; Used to do it at uni' to annoy someone as a joke & it just kind of stuck? Bad habit & hard to unlearn but can try I suppose.......

MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:17:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

JazzAnnNonMouse Wed 17-Oct-12 07:20:25

I think you need to step back a bit and calm down.
Your ex is not the devil incarnate, she may not be being a nice person to you but she may have reason for that. She is still your sons mother and you owe it to him to try and get along/ be civil. I realise that's easier said than done but as long as he doesn't hear or feel your animosity towards her then it's ok to rant occasionally. Just try to not make your rants so long!
I would give the same advice to a woman. Please try and not use such flowery language, it seems as though your emotional maturity is learnt from epic romance novels and good v evil where love conquers all etc - life isn't really like that. What's in films and books are fiction and may have an element of truth but is elaborated truth so try not to elaborate your own life into a work of fiction.
I think you need to see out this court case and get help from the police, perhaps a councillor to help you deal with the dv and almost (?) rape. I think you could also do with some councilling with regards to your emotional maturity and basis in reality, it's not healthy to start having grand delusions of good v evil.
Your new love interest may well be the 'one' and if that's so then you can work through this together but maybe you're coming on too strong.
I don't really know what to suggest except to calm down, seek help and guidance from professionals, see your son and make him the centre point of your universe and try and go easy on new dp, try not to be so intense. It might put her off sad

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:21:30

Well I can't edit my Old posts can I? So will just have to start as I mean to go on no? And as to you not understanding what I said or being able to answer? 'tis your choice Miss. I've always been overly descriptive though & enjoyed using all the options available (underscores/faces/symbols etc) while typing - (a hangover from an overly artistic childhood I think) & whilst I can quite easily not use the symbols etc? Changing the Way I write to be Far less expressive? May take a little longer. The other posters on here had few problems answering though so maybe some people knew what I was saying? Sorry if I upset you with the way I wrote. blush

MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:23:42

You really have no need to apologise to me. It would take way more than several badly written and incomprehensible posts to upset me. The very fact that you think you need to apologise - that you assume you've upset me seems to me indicative of your wider problems. I wonder if you might need to just get a grip?

TandB Wed 17-Oct-12 07:24:14

I agree with previous posters about the way you present this whole situation. It's not remotely compatible with a mature, adult relationship and you are probably putting this woman off hugely every time you launch into what reads like some sort of medieval courtly-love type waffle.

I suspect that when she asks you about the court case, what she wants to here is "fine, thanks. We've got a hearing next week and we've made some progress" but what she actually gets is a massive rant about "devil spawn ex" and lists of allegations, and she is probably thinking "I can't get mixed up in something this messy."

Try to run this new relationship like an adult and not a fantasy-obsessed teenager and you might get somewhere.

TandB Wed 17-Oct-12 07:25:59

Oh and stop calling people "miss". It's patronising. It's like you are talking to little girls.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:29:26

TY Jazz' & I admitted I was a bit OTT in my first post? I have tried to calm down a little since then - I don't see my ex' as the devil as I stated a little up this page? I do try & get along with her & be civil but she does not make it easy believe me? I try not to let my boy ever see or feel my anger/animosity towards her as much as I am able to protect him from that; Haha re' the rants will try & take a meataxe to them in future.

Sorry re' the language - you have a point re' the novels - I've read Far to many in truth & prob' took an element of language from them & no my emotional maturity isn't learnt from them though? It's not there IMO - I'm not emotionally mature I'll admit that & maybe this part of my life? Is me attaining that maturity albeit far behind many others my age. I know re' the element of truth - books are very good at taking that & elaborating on it often to ridiculous levels at times.

I've nearly seen out the court case now? 2nd to last hearing today & Final one of all? In 3 weeks so fingers crossed; I've had help from the police re' the DV & might ask about a councillor re' the (almost) r*pe (is it sexual assault in this country? I just don't know & will prob' have real trouble talking about it I think - it's hard enough admitting it happened on here behind a keyboard - God knows what it would be like in RL). I agree re' my emotional maturity but my basis in reality? Is grounded quite well I think - the 'delusions' of good v evil? Were only me speaking at an extreme when angry? I'm not normally like that as I've said & a few more lucid details of what I think re' my ex' & the (poss') new lady? Are further up on this page I think.

I think the love interest might be the 'one' I admit that & hope we can work through this together & yes I can see now looking at it the way people on here have or have asked me to? That I think I'm coming on to strong & will try to lessen that a bit; I'm calmer now - sorry re' the OP - I know it's a bit of a carcrash but was angry & not thinking straight when I wrote it; I'll look to see what I can do with professionals in future; TY re' the advice on my son & new DP - he's always been my centre point of my whole life & always will; I'll try & learn to be less intense re' new DP & see how we go - She said it best I think? We'll go back to her "baby steps" & see just where they lead.........

RedHelenB Wed 17-Oct-12 07:34:09

Agree with Ballooon, sorry. She's looking for excuses to slow things down, a CRB check is only to do with HER & work. I would really cool things till after the court case & then say "look, this is me, this is my life are we giving it a go or not?" Some people enjoy things more in the abstract than the reality & I've a feeling this relationship for her might be.

EugenesAxe Wed 17-Oct-12 07:36:07

I came back to this. First time I read three sentences and was so annoyed by the ingratiating and very overdone 'MN' style of your writing that I had to sign off. It felt as though it was a windup.

I am struggling to identify your four AIBU but I suspect any issues you have with your ex will pale into insignificance in terms of whether your relationship will survive, next to your needy persona and inability to write. Sorry that's very blunt, but most men and women want parity in a relationship, ie. a partner who is strong enough to hold you both up should it be necessary. I don't get that impression of you and I would certainly want to hear your ex's version of events.

Almost every sentence was a question FFS! But am I reading it right, what with the CRB point, that your ex has accused you of one of sexual or physical abuse of her and/or your child and your 'new angel' (age won't matter BTW) wants this cleared before you can get on with things? If its rubbish then obviously your ex IBU in making these insinuations. However I would be uncomfortable silencing any accusation like that and would rather depend on 'the truth will out'.

Proudnscary Wed 17-Oct-12 07:38:27

Arrrrrgghh OP we are not 'wonderful, sensitive, caring women' (well some of us are, some of the time - but we're people, good/bad/funny/grumpy/harsh/compassionate - whatever whatever). We're also not 'miss's' or 'ladies.

You should not be 'humbled' by us (this big homogeneous group of wonderful female-ness) and ashamed of your sex in a grovelling and misplaced and OTT way.

Please, for the love of God, see that this is extremely off-putting for women.

It achieves the exact opposite of what I assume you are trying to achieve ie to come across as a caring, sensitive kinda guy who respects women. It actually makes me feel you think of women as Different Beings who you can't really relate to and have to categorise and put into boxes. As Chub said, you have one hell of a Madonna/Whore complex.

OTheHideousManateesOfMadness Wed 17-Oct-12 07:39:40

Like a couple of others have said, I think this CRB thing is a load of bollocks. You don't have to give details of family generally unless you're going for high level government security clearance! And even then it's just names and where you've lived. And TBH I'd be a bit jumpy about getting all hot and heavy with someone who is one minute saying 'I think I'm falling in love with you' when you're really only having a phone relationship, and the next minute lying to you.

I get that you've had a rough time and your ex/DS situation sounds really difficult. But IMO the best advice you've had on this thread is to take a breath, calm down and try to take a step back from everything instead of swinging to the emotional extreme. Your ex is not the devil, this new woman sounds a bit iffy, your situation is really difficult and it might be worth just cooling things off and trying to take really good care of yourself (and your DS when you have him) until the court case is decided.

Redline Wed 17-Oct-12 07:39:52

Sorry Kungfupanda re' the Miss? Is another habit of old - I am trying to run the r'ship like an adult now & recognise where & how I've been going wrong reading all this back? I think Proud' earlier was right & the constructive criticism on here? has helped me a lot in locating what is going wrong/where I am mucking up a bit;

Also? I don't know if anyone's noticed or I've said it but she can be just as emotional & hot tempered as me as well as long winded & sometimes? I've had a few spectacular rants in my FB inbox from her so 'tis not all one way.

Yes I thought that re' the delaying tactics to RedHelenB? I had thought that a little re' the checks & her work re' how were they to do with me? I've cooled things now a bit & we've not spoke since last week in truth; Anyway? I might wait a couple of weeks or only speak once or twice casually in the meantime & then as you say?

I'll probably Tell her "this is me take it or leave it" after all? She was the one who looked me up & I never hid anything about me from her. By abstract rather than reality do you mean she prefers the idea of it more than what it actually would be like? If so? I'm sadly beginning to agree with you a little underneath it all but again? We shall see............

CelineMcBean Wed 17-Oct-12 07:45:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ZombTEE Wed 17-Oct-12 07:50:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MadgeHarvey Wed 17-Oct-12 07:56:51

Since you are clearly not listening to anyone regarding the unnecessary bolding of inconsequential words in your posts I think it's safe to assume you're not actually listening to anything else that's being said to you. Is there a reason for that?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now