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to be upset about my sisters wedding plans.

(40 Posts)
sillymummy11 Tue 16-Oct-12 21:56:27

My husband moved out in August due to his behaviour- we've been married 7 years and have 3 kids 6 and younger. I've got the kids.

My little sister (33) announces that she is engaged soon after- lovely- I'm pleased her bloke is v nice.

Little sister asks if I mind if they look into getting married at the same place me and not quite husband did. I say fine- why not- it's a nice place.

Little sister texts to ask if I can go with her to see dresses at the same place I got mine...I put off replying for a couple of days as not keen but would have done it.

Mum asks for name of people I hired car from so little sister can use them (can't remember anyway)

Mum says that little sister has got a date for wedding at the same venue that we had- 2 days after my wedding date. And that I'm expected to be some sort of bridesmaid. At THIS point I say "actually...I don't feel I can be expected to be altogether happy with this and be expected to participate so much, 2 days after what would have been our anniversary at the same place that I got married". I explained that the date at another venue would have been fine, or at least a couple of weeks earlier or later at the same venue would probably also have been fine, but that this, I feel, is going to be a bit much.

My mum said that "your sister has enough on her plate" and that when she asks me to be a bridesmaid (I'm too sodding old!) I'm not to refuse. And anyway "you're still talking to DH"

Regarding my own 'plate' being empty I've just had 3 weeks off work with depression , I've just started back but don't feel great. I do talk to DH and things are amicable but that doesn't mean that I'm not sad about our relationship and how things have worked out.

I'm expected to start going looking at bridesmaids dresses and all that gubbins soon and to be honest I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do less. I can accept I have to go to the wedding- but is it ok to say that I just can't deal with having to help with wedding preparations at the moment, and definitely do not want to be a bridesmaid, so soon after my own would-have-been anniversary? Or am I being selfish?

Hassled Tue 16-Oct-12 21:59:07

No, you're not being selfish. I think they're being quite gobsmackingly thoughtless.

You've talked to your mum - have you sat down with your sister and said "actually, I'm going to find this incredibly difficult and is there any flexibility with the date"?

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Tue 16-Oct-12 22:00:47

YANBU. If she wants an identikit wedding then that's up to her but I agree that she (and/or your mother) is being insensitive and I wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid either.

halloweeneyqueeney Tue 16-Oct-12 22:01:58

YANBU at all!

sooperdooper Tue 16-Oct-12 22:03:18

You're not being selfish at all, they're being quite ridiculously thoughtless - there's any number of wedding venues, dress shops and days in a year to get married

RVPisnomore Tue 16-Oct-12 22:03:30

Sorry but I think YABU. Yes it must be hard for you but your sister asked if you minded her going to the same as you had your wedding, you said no. If there were conditions attached to that you should have said.

However if you don't want to be bridesmaid just say no!

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Oct-12 22:03:55

Well there's somethings you are reasonable to be upset about and some you are being a nightmare about.

YANBU to be pissed off that they expect you to bring your DH and play happy families, explain to your mother and DSis that your marriage has ended, this isn't a tempory blip and that you will not go if they invite him.

But YABU if you don't want to be your sister's bridesmaid (asking you is what should be expected, it would be commented on if she had anyone other than you!), and YABU if you try to make your sister's wedding all about you. yes it's hard she's picked a date near your date and picked the same venue, but it's not your wedding, it's your sisters. It's not your actual anniversary, it's the same week - you can have a quiet moment on your anniversary and then focus on your Dsis's happiness a few days later.

There's not much wedding related you'll have to do, surely? You have to go look at bridesmaids dresses, possibly go with your Dsis and give opinions on her dress, can you not do that for her? Otherwise, just zone out. Say you do'nt have the time to help out beyond that.

Dozer Tue 16-Oct-12 22:05:02

They are being awful! Poor you. Yanbu. In fact, even if you were still happily married it'd be a bit odd of your sister to copy your wedding!

Refuse to be a bridesmaid, three small DC to manage should be sufficient excuse!

Tell your mum to butt out!

Sorry you're not getting much support from your family, hope RL friends are there for you.

PedanticPanda Tue 16-Oct-12 22:05:58

Yanbu or selfish at all. Your mum and sister are being horribly insensitive.

sooperdooper Tue 16-Oct-12 22:10:34

I don't even understand why she'd want the exact same venue, dress shop, car company, etc - utter lack of imagination???

mudipig Tue 16-Oct-12 22:14:27

At first I was going to say yabu and a bit melodramatic and then I thought about how I'd feel if my sibling got married in same place on a similar day and thought - that's just weird.

duffybeatmetoit Tue 16-Oct-12 22:17:56

What Dozer said

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 16-Oct-12 22:19:28

Tbh it is fucking weird that she wants the same wedding as you.

YANBU.

KenLeeeeeee Tue 16-Oct-12 22:21:15

I'm not having marital problems and would still be a bit hmm if my sibling wanted to get married at the same venue, using the same cars, two days after my wedding date. YANBU at all and your family are being very insensitive.

monkeysbignuts Tue 16-Oct-12 22:21:37

yanbu to be upset and put out by any of it apart from being your sisters bridesmaid. I really think you should do that for her as its important to your sister.
I would ask her direct if she could reconsider the date as maybe she doesn't know its so close to your wedding anniversary?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 16-Oct-12 22:21:55

YANBU at all. Fucking thoughtless of your sister and insensitive of your mum.

sillymummy11 Tue 16-Oct-12 22:23:48

haha thanks for the opinion yup I thought identikit wedding was very odd- and the fact that ours didn't work out made it stranger still.

I think I'll go with the "I've got to restrain look after the kids" excuse so can't bridesmaid and get quietly pissed in a corner

thank you all for showing me things from both sides smile

sillymummy11 Tue 16-Oct-12 22:25:28

and thanks dozer RL friends are good

HanSolo Tue 16-Oct-12 22:31:23

Gosh- has she always copied what you do?

YANBU to be upset, her expectations are just weird tbh.

HappyHippyChick Tue 16-Oct-12 22:37:34

My dsis had her wedding in the same church, same hotel, same dress place, same photographer, same florist and her anniversary is a week before mine. I couldn't give a hoot, both weddings were amazing! (Disclaimer - I am still v happily married)

Rowanhart Tue 16-Oct-12 22:37:50

Okay. Is this your family's local church? Us the wedding dress shop the main or only one in the area you grew up in?

How old was DS when you got married?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 22:38:44

is there something wrong with her ?

Kittenkatzen Tue 16-Oct-12 22:42:57

YADNBU. My DB/SIL did exactly this - same date, same (obscure, abroad) venue, not long after I went through a difficult divorce. I put my foot down and said I wouldn't be going. Everyone got over it. I think it's weird tbh. Just say no!

Inertia Tue 16-Oct-12 22:58:06

It's unusual that she wants to have everything the same as you (in fact by the time she got to the 3rd identical thing I'd have told her that the same husband's now available as well , just to make the point- sorry). They are being pretty thoughtless- it's as though all the headspace in the family in being taken up with the wedding, and nobody is actually stopping to consider that you might actually need some support following the breakup of your marriage.

YANBU to not want to be a bridesmaid. Another way of phrasing might be to say that you can't commit to the amount of time it would take to do the job properly, given that you're now effectively a single parent to three very young children .

JennyWren Tue 16-Oct-12 22:58:34

To be fair to your DSis, if you live in an area like mine, the venue and suppliers might well just be the logical (or only) choice - a very good friend and I had our weddings in the same year and used the same reception venue and many of the same suppliers - what was locally available and good value for one was locally available and good value for the other. That said, on the respective days we had totally different weddings and the only similarities you would have realised as a guest were the bricks and mortar and the identity of the photographer.

The date seems a little insensitive, but they probably haven't even realised... Realistically, in their excitement they are thinking about their wedding, in the present, rather than the details of your wedding day, in the past. It is entirely reasonable that you feel that it brings back so many difficult emotions, but their wedding isn't likely to be easy for you whatever the date. And by the time the wedding comes around, hopefuly you won't be feeling quite as raw as you do now.

Would it be possible for you to suggest that in your place your (eldest?) DC be a flowergirl/pageboy? They can represent you, as it were, and the focus would be on them and you would be able to be a little less in the spotlight, which might make things easier for you.

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