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To be angry and feel like I am losing respect for my DH?

(20 Posts)
Totobear Tue 16-Oct-12 20:22:40

I don't know where to start but here goes...I hope this doesn't make me sound 'all about money' ...

When we met he said that he wanted to make a certain step up in his career which would mean he could earn significantly more and also help with future job security. It wouldn't mean working longer hours, he would just need to add to his skill set. It didn't mean much to me then, I wasn't even sure what he did, I just knew i loved him.

We both worked and I got promoted and changed careers and generally carried on improving while he stayed still. When I questioned him about it he would agree and there would be a little flurry of activity which would eventually quieten down and then stop. Or he would say that he was learning so and so which would ultimately get him to his goal.

When we got married, we discussed division of responsibilities and one thing that we agreed would fall into his camp would be the control of our finances...how much we had at any point, savings for the future, pension etc. because he had waaay more experience in money jargon than I had.

Well, he hasn't really got a handle on our joint account or what he needs to save for our family and retirement. Nor has he progressed with his job, 8 years after saying he wanted to. We have these talks over and over again and it always ends up with him apologising to me and me asking him if he still wants to progress and if yes, then why hasn't he? He doesn't have an answer.

What is going wrong? Am I being unreasonable in being annoyed with him? I feel like I have to keep on top of everything and I feel insecure financially. We have a 5 month DS and we both want me to stay at home to look after him BUT he has no real grasp on the financial implications of this. Plus, we are about to go abroad to see family and the one thing I gave him to do...get DS passport sorted, he hasn't done! And we have 3 weeks to go! And he told me it was sorted!

What'll I doing wrong?? Is he being passive aggressive?

Sorry for the long rant but I didn't know how to stop!

WorraLiberty Tue 16-Oct-12 20:27:47

He sounds as though he's happy as he is in his career, so as long as you're happy in yours, it shouldn't matter really.

Finances imo should never be left to one person...it should always be a joint thing as it affects you both.

It doesn't sound as though it's possible for you to stay home, would it make things easier if he stayed at home instead?

The passport thing YANBU about at all. I suppose you'll have to send him down in person now.

Totobear Tue 16-Oct-12 20:29:06

Thanks, well I would leave if he didnt keep saying he wanted to progress!?

WorraLiberty Tue 16-Oct-12 20:31:13

Leave?

desperateforaholiday Tue 16-Oct-12 20:34:54

It sounds like he's happy in his job, would you actually leave him because he isn't interested in career progression?

Totobear Tue 16-Oct-12 20:37:36

Oh no, not leave him, the issue. I still love him even if I am annoyed!! I just don't get why she is saying something he wants to do and then doesn't take responsibility for it.

WorraLiberty Tue 16-Oct-12 20:41:05

Oh I see so you're not leaving the bastard! grin

Do you think it's possible he's not being straight with you because he feels like he's letting you down?

3littlefrogs Tue 16-Oct-12 20:41:41

He is saying what he thinks you want to hear.

He is probably afraid to admit the truth because he believes you will realise he is not the person you thought he was.

Perhaps you need to reassure him that you love him, and that it is ok for him to admit what he really wants.

It sounds as if your real problem is communication.

Totobear Tue 16-Oct-12 20:42:28

I hadn't thought of that..perhaps he is a bit scared of me! Lol! I can be quite stern and straight.

Totobear Tue 16-Oct-12 20:43:05

I guess I am just not sure if I am being unreasonable or he is.

desperateforaholiday Tue 16-Oct-12 20:43:05

Well maybe its because your badgering him over it? It sounds like he's just saying it to stop you going on about it, sorry if ive got the wrong end of the stick.

Birdsgottafly Tue 16-Oct-12 20:44:10

He has shown that he has trouble with being responsible and saying or wanting something doesn't mean that you are able to be a 'make it happen' type of person.

Although at times i was a SAHM, i controlled everything, if i didn't it wouldn't have been done. My DH and i complimented each other.

You will have to have an honest conversation and rethink your plans.

Knowing the jargon means very little, tbh, it is easy enough to learn how to pick a bank account, or investment account and put money into it.

Totobear Tue 16-Oct-12 20:44:23

Nope, perhaps that is how he sees it.

AKissIsNotAContract Tue 16-Oct-12 20:44:54

He sounds happy as he is. My DP is the same. The only thing you are being unrealistic about IMO is being a SAHM. If you feel insecure financially then giving up your job won't make you feel any better.

Birdsgottafly Tue 16-Oct-12 20:45:15

Why would you not just take charge instead of falling into to an outmoded gender role?

naturalbaby Tue 16-Oct-12 20:58:04

Is he really career driven? It sounds like you are more than he is. I'm not, my priority is being happy, DH is happy with that. My DH is career driven, that's what makes him happy, I'm happy with that. It sounds like you should just accept him as he is and let him do what he wants with his own career.

Re. the finances - joint finances should be a joint responsibility. Things may slip either way now and then, such is life, so learn from it and find a way to improve things and move on. A similar thing happened with me but things are now slowly getting back on track. It fell apart when things were tough and we weren't communicating well, I just left things to him to sort out and didn't recognise that he was struggling.

Nobody needs to take the blame for anything, it doesn't sound like anything is desperately wrong - other than your DS doesn't have a passport! That can be fixed - if you don't think he'll do it in time then there's no reason why you can't.

Maybe you're annoyed because you want to be progressing in your career but you're at home with your DS having a career break?

Dozer Tue 16-Oct-12 21:03:52

YWBU to expect him to earn enough for you to be a SAHM if he doesn't earn enough and/or doesn't want to be the sole earner.

YABU to expect him to manage the finances if it's not his thing.

But YANBU to wonder why he's not progressed or whether with effort he could earn more.

Are you the higher earner?

Folicacid Tue 16-Oct-12 21:09:36

Maybe he was just telling you what he felt you wanted to hear when you were falling in love, or it was a bit of bluster to impress you. But that's not who he is or was so the best thing to do is to have an honest discussion about it.

NatashaBee Tue 16-Oct-12 21:10:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carabos Tue 16-Oct-12 21:16:33

He's telling you all you need to know. Now you need to get your head around the information - you are in denial - and decide what you are going to do about it.

Do you love him or do you love the idea of what he might be?

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