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to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

(202 Posts)
lola88 Tue 16-Oct-12 13:51:54

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.


PhyllisDoris Tue 16-Oct-12 13:56:11

I'm kind of with DP on this one. Lots of people will disagree, but I think that once you start bringing the baby into your own bed on a regular basis, it's really hard to break the habit - you'll be making a rod for your own back.

I'm sorry it's not much comfort, but being extremely tired is par for the course with an 8 month old baby!

Stick at it, keep a routine, and DS will soon start sleeping better.

lola88 Tue 16-Oct-12 13:59:54

Sorry i should say DS has always came in with us from about 4/5am

Molehillmountain Tue 16-Oct-12 14:02:07

I totally get why you want to cosleep, but you do need dp on side.

redskyatnight Tue 16-Oct-12 14:07:34

Regardless of whether co-sleeping is a good idea or not, I don't think it's a decision you can make without DH. What you can do is sit down with DH and discuss how together you will manage DS's night waking. Maybe that means DH gets up more at night, maybe it means he gets up with DS in the morning so you can lie in, maybe it means that you try some form of sleep training together.

GingerPCatt Tue 16-Oct-12 14:07:43

Lola I brought DS in to cosleep at about 9 mo and I don't regret it. We set up the bed so there is a rail on one side where DS sleeps, I'm in the middle and DH on the other side. If DS is restless DH will sleep downstairs. DS sleeps much better and when he waked he is easier to settle. I feel like a new woman grin instead of a zombie. DS is now 16 mo and still cosleeps. We're moving soon and plan to try to get him into his own room then. DH may be worried about the intimacy wink. You may need to reassure him that you'll feel more wink if you can get some sleep.

lola88 Tue 16-Oct-12 14:11:20

DP doesnt want to get up at night if he's working so will only do one night and when i tried CC (which was a total failure) he moaned that DS kept him awake with all the crying and didn't want to help either. He's not usually so much of a shit but when it comes to getting up in the night he's no help even when it's his turn i have to shake and shout him awake by which point i'm so annoyed i can't get back to sleep anyway.

On this basis i feel if you don't want to help then i'll do it my way. DP has admitted he slept alot better the last 2 nights not having me constantly up and down.

pictish Tue 16-Oct-12 14:13:17

I'm a believer in doing what suits. Everyone is different.
I never went in for co-sleeping, as I cannot sleep well with a child in the bed wriggling about and making me hot. I'd rather they slept in their own beds (unless ill).

I agree with your dh on this one I'm afraid. I think your time would be better spent establishing your baby's confidence in his own bed.

But I also understand you are on your it is a tricky one.

GhostShip Tue 16-Oct-12 14:51:24

I agree with your DP but I understand how hard it is for you. x

baskingseals Tue 16-Oct-12 14:54:52

lola i think you should do it. being tired eats into every part of you and your life - it colours everything. put the baby in with you, and tell dp what ginger said.

Cluffyfunt Tue 16-Oct-12 14:59:47

I would tell your Dp that if he wants DS in his own room then he has to het up in the night with him.

You could try shifts so you go to sleep with earplugs in till say 2.30am, then your Dp wakes you to deal with DS when he wakes up after that.

You can't go on as you are.
It's making you unwell and that's no good for any of you.

SirBoobAlot Tue 16-Oct-12 15:00:22

I'd tell your DP to sleep on the sofa.

He's also worrying needlessly, you don't see teenagers still sleeping in with their parents.

Right now your DS needs the reassurance of having you close. If having him in with you is making life easier, then do it. We coslept for a long while, and now DS sleeps in his own bed all night, no problems.

Nancy66 Tue 16-Oct-12 15:04:53

Do what it takes.

sleep deprivation is hell on earth . a year ago if somebody had told me that sleeping with DD in a coal bunker would guarantee a good night's sleep I'd have done it.

stinklebell Tue 16-Oct-12 15:06:22

I'd do what I had to do and if that meant bringing DC into bed then so be it.

If DH doesn't want to help, he can sleep on the sofa

MsOnatopp Tue 16-Oct-12 15:10:34

I understand that you must feel horrendous without proper sleep but (I should note that I am not pro-coleeping anyway) you need your DP on side to do it and it would be unfair to shove DP out of his own room. If you want it so badly you should move to DS's room.

FfionCompletion Tue 16-Oct-12 15:10:54

I was told by my Outlaws that I was making a rod for my own back by co-sleeping with my children.

Weridly enough, at 15 and 13 they are no longer sleeping in my bed with me, and haven't done so since they went into their big bed (at about 3 I suppose).

They have never clambered into my bed after a nightmare, they never had trouble getting off to sleep in their own beds.

This is only my experience of co-sleeping though, and it was a wholly positive one for me.

flowery Tue 16-Oct-12 15:11:51

I would usually say I agree with your DH and also that you cannot make that kind of decision unilaterally.

However, in circumstances where he is not doing his fair share or participating in finding a solution thats suits you both, YANBU in making a decision by yourself.

SirBoobAlot Tue 16-Oct-12 15:12:33

MsOnatopp: "If you want it so badly you should move to DS's room."

Seriously?! What, and the OP should sleep in the cot? On the floor?

ChunkyPickle Tue 16-Oct-12 15:12:37

If asked, I would have said that DS was, and always has been a good sleeper - yet by waking count he was worse than yours.

The difference is that we co-slept, so I almost always managed to get enough sleep, wasn't going crazy and could take the 3 or 4 feeds a night (until he was more than one!).

Sleep deprivation is torture - do what it takes to stop yourself going loopy.

DP was reluctant at first but has converted so far that he thinks we should just get another big mattress for DS's room, then sleep in whichever bed DS isn't in (DS is 2 now, and likes his space.. but also likes to snuggle to sleep).

5madthings Tue 16-Oct-12 15:13:38

I would co-sleep. If your dh wants him in the cot then he can get up and deal with him! As he isnt prepared to do that then you need to do what works for you and saves your sanity.

Co-sleeping does not mean you will end up with a child that wont sleep on their own and ime of four children (no 5 still co-sleeps) they have all gone into their iwn beds, in their own rooms fine, no tears etc they just made the transition as they were ready.

MoreBeta Tue 16-Oct-12 15:15:24

I would not like co-sleeping as it would keep me awake having baby right next to me.

However, we did bring DS1 into our room and have him right next to us in a cot for a whole year. Literally as if the cot was joined to our bed. It worked well because I think he knew we were there but not actually in our bed. If he woke we often found that just stretching out a hand so he could hold onto our thumb was enough to settle him. Much handier for feeding, changing, etc.

I really recommend this as a compromise.

Baaartimaeus Tue 16-Oct-12 15:15:28

I'm sorry you're going through it. DS has always been a bad sleeper and around 8 months it was awful. I dreaded the evenings, cried most mornings from sheer exhaustion and just wanted to curl up in bed and wake up several months later. Not helped by working full time and DH never helping in the night.

We started co-sleeping around 8 months. DS started in his cot but would come into bed with me once I started to crack in the night (that could be at 4am because I'd already gotten up 5 times or at midnight because I'd been up 30 minutes with him and he just would not go back to sleep).

DH would either sleep on the sofa or a blow-up mattress.

I was also told that I was making a rod for my own back but to be honest I was so exhausted I just did not care. It was far better to be lying down trying to comfort DS, even if I couldn't sleep, than being up and down all night with him.

So from 8 months to roughly 11 months DS would start the night in his cot but would end up spending part of the night with me.

At 11 months, when I was finally feeling more rested we gave his cot another go. We changed his bedtime routine (introduced a book between the last feed and being put in his cot) and he was put in his cot awake. First night he cried 30 minutes (but I stayed by his cot comforting him) but slept pretty well. By the third night he only whinged 10 minutes then fell asleep.

Within 2 weeks he was falling asleep in his cot with no crying and only waking once in the night (for a one minute BF then back down again no problem).

So, my experience is that co-sleeping can be a temporary solution (and one that really helped my exhaustion) and that going back into the cot afterwards needn't be a problem.

I know that we changed the bed routine etc. and DS accepted it but equally I know that at 8, 9 and 10 months it would not have worked as DS was particularly clingy at that time.

I hope you manage to get your DH on board. It's very frustrating when your DH won't help with the night wakings but also won't let you do what you feel is best (for you and your DS).

My DH wouldn't help at night (long story) and his only solution was leaving DS to cry and us moving into the lounge so we wouldn't hear him so well hmm. Fortunately for me, he readily accepted me co-sleeping with DS and even refrained from complaining that the sofa was uncomfortable grin

SouthernComforts Tue 16-Oct-12 15:15:29

Hmm I've never been a fan of co-sleeping, especially if it means dp has to sleep on the sofa! It's his house/bedroom too. And I wouldn't want to lose the intimacy as a couple either.

However, I have been lucky to have a good sleeper so my opinion dosent count. Do what's best for you and your family (including dp) being sleep deprived makes everything 10 x harder.

Although my ex's Dsis still has Dn in bed with her, he's 9 and she goes to bed with him at 7.30 and gets back up at 9.30pm (unless he wakes up then she has to pretend to go to sleep again) it's ridiculous!

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 16-Oct-12 15:15:53

Normally decisions shouldn't be made unilaterally. But I made every sleep decisions unilaterally with DD (after discussions with DH) because I was the one doing the bulk of the night wakings. He can't bow out and make the decisions. If he wants to be an equal partner and do half the night wakings, he can make half the decisions. At the moment he is making the decisions and you are suffering the consequences.

BigBoPeep Tue 16-Oct-12 15:20:11

To me getting enough sleep is VITAL and being as tired as you describe, living in a hovel and turning into a crazy person is not at all a 'normal' part of life hmm.

I would say if you are doing the majority of the child rearing then it's up to you. If DP is worried about losing sleep because he is not a cosleeper (how come his sleep is more important than yours???) then it's up to him to come up with a workable solution and dumping it all on you ain't it - that's just a nice solution for him. He can't even be thinking of his son, because the child obviously isnt happy, spending a lot of time waking and crying.

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