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To think this is not a tactful response on hearing you are divorced?

(19 Posts)
Anniegetyourgun Mon 15-Oct-12 22:11:29

"Never mind, maybe you'll get back together some day"

When the subject comes up, as it might for various reasons, of my divorced status, a few apparently well-meaning people - mostly old ladies and middle-aged men - have trotted out that line as if it were comforting or something. And then seem a little surprised when I look horrified. (Some say "oh, I'm sorry to hear that" - I don't mind that so much, it's a sort of knee-jerk sympathy, albeit misplaced.)

As time goes on I'm less likely to startle them with the vehemence of my reply, more likely to just laugh and say "Oh no." But I still think "Why - why would you even say that?" If they know me, they know I worked hard for that divorce and I'm fecked if I go back on it. If they don't, how can they possibly think it's a safe response? He could have knocked me about, or cheated with the Dagenham Girl Pipers, or have died since, or be in prison for something really nasty, as far as they know (although he didn't do any of those things, to be fair). It could be highly insensitive. Wait - actually, it is highly insensitive.

(Saying it to me on this thread doesn't count. Though I suppose it would be a little bit funny once.)

WorraLiberty Mon 15-Oct-12 22:13:56

It's weird, I've never had that said to me or even heard of it being said to anyone else?

But my Aunt was a Dagenham Girl Piper and they're a right bunch of goers so YANBU grin

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Mon 15-Oct-12 22:14:23

dagenham girl pipers... <snigger>

oh I do so hate the "are you going to get back together?" comments I get when people find we are separated..

Anniegetyourgun Mon 15-Oct-12 22:17:51

Worra, I thought the thing about the pipers was just one of those stereotypes. I'm strangely comforted to hear it is in fact justified. Good for them.

Susan, do you scare them when you shout "OVER MY DEAD BODY"?

Frontpaw Mon 15-Oct-12 22:24:41

If they do just wistfully gaze into the distance and sigh 'maybe...if he ever gets parole...'

McHappyPants2012 Mon 15-Oct-12 22:29:09

say you are single to people, then you get the responce one day you will meet your MR right ( not that sleazy guy who plagiarize MN for his channel 5 show)

ProphetOfDoom Mon 15-Oct-12 22:31:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Mon 15-Oct-12 22:31:30

Just say "No, we're not getting back together. I'm after YOUR Husband now"

That ought to cut the convo short grin

Anniegetyourgun Mon 15-Oct-12 22:34:08

Like 'em [evil]

Quadrangle Mon 15-Oct-12 22:35:32

They probably say the first thing that comes into their head as they are not sure what they should say. I suppose the correct response is not to say anything?

SoleSource Mon 15-Oct-12 22:40:12

Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you don't want him. Come on admit it OP. That's the readon for this thread..

bonnieslilsister Mon 15-Oct-12 22:44:17

Maybe you will get back together cheer up grin

bonnieslilsister Mon 15-Oct-12 22:46:13

What I hate worse than this is.....
Oh well there are always two sides to the story
The marriage must have been bad for him to do that

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Mon 15-Oct-12 22:46:57

the thing is, it could be over my dead body...

i hear that occasionally thumps to the head are fatal and think that there but for the grace of god go I!

there is usually an expletive in there somewhere in reply...

TodaysAGoodDay Mon 15-Oct-12 22:52:13

Every time someone says 'oh, I'm so sorry' on hearing I'm divorced, I always say 'I'm not' grin

marshmallowpies Mon 15-Oct-12 22:52:55

After I split up from a long-term relationship (7 years) I used to get a lot of 'do you think you'll get back together?' from other people. One person who hadn't known either of us very long kept saying it to me, or words to that effect 'you seem so well suited', 'I can't understand why you aren't with him' etc.

I got so sick of being asked about it, especially when he'd given me chapter & verse as to why we had to split and why I was not the right person for him - when someone is trying to do a total character assassination on you, and convince you that the failed relationship is entirely YOUR fault, it's very hard to have to lie to friends along the lines of 'oh, we just drifted apart', 'oh, we want different things out of life'. If my friends had heard half the stuff he'd actually said to me in the process of our break up, I don't think anyone would have believed it.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 15-Oct-12 23:04:25

Well, if somebody tells me something personal, like they're divorced, they're gay, they had a hysterectomy etc, I tend to just say "uh-huh", in an accepting sort of tone, and leave it to them to fill in whether they think it's a good or a bad thing or just want to change the subject. Then I can be ready with the sympathy, congratulations or whatever if it seems to be required. (I did a counselling course recently, can you tell?) It's only really obviously bad things like a death in the family I feel fairly safe in coming out with the sympathy. Although even then, it depends...

Scaredbutdoingit Mon 15-Oct-12 23:11:39

I hate to say it, but it probably is just a knee-jerk response without much thought going into it at all. Kind of the same as when someone asks you, "How are you?", and you reply, "Fine, thanks. How are you?" even when you're not fine at all.

They probably don't mean anything at all by it, and if anything its just a sign that they're only half-listening/thinking, which isn't a nice feeling, but unfortunately most of us do it at least some of the time!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 15-Oct-12 23:21:01

You're right, of course, but I have in the past found it rather triggering. These days it washes over me - mostly. A couple of years ago I had a half hour rant at a bloke in a shop, detailing all the reasons why getting back with the arse was never going to happen, and felt fecking embarrassed about it too, but just couldn't close the floodgates. But I told myself later he had it comin' for saying something so damned stupid. (Mind you I haven't felt able to go into that shop since.)

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