To wonder why it was me ...?(25 Posts)
It seems that all those feelings of around that time are still very painful and unresolved for you. Have you had any therapy or counselling about it all?
When I had my first baby, they spent the first two weeks in the NICU fighting off a GBS infection. When I got him home, he screamed all the time - he's since been diagnosed with Autism and has multiple sensory issues.
Yes, I was jealous of my friends who had an easy time. Children who were born healthy; children who slept through the night; children who don't have ongoing health issues.
But since you can't change the world and the hand life deals you, the best thing to do is to park it up and move on as being bitter does nothing except make you miserable.
You're not a bitch at all! Blimey, you had so much to cope with all at once. It's absolutely no surprise that some things were difficult. And I'll lay my house on your friends exaggerating the truth. Satisfy yourself that they are pacing the floor at ridiculous o'clock trying to settle their baby in a vomit covered dressing gown but would rather pretend that everything is oh so perfect. You are human. You coped with more in 8 months than most would in five years.
Give yourself a break and a massive pat on the proverbial for getting through a really tough time.
Oh jeebus, what a shit, shit time you've had.
I can sympathise in a small small way. In that I had a very colicky, ill baby with my first who cried non-stop for the first 3 months of life and my friends had these wonderful babies who only woke 2-3 times a night, wouldnt scream in their carseat, would doze in their buggies instead of puking with hysterical rage, be bathed and cuddled in the evenings instead of 6 hours of solid crying while, and Im pretty sure they didnt want to self harm because they feared they'd lose it and hurt their screaming baby.
A tiny, tiny part of me wanted someone to gave a baby like mine because I so desperately needed someone who understood how hard it was. Someone I could sympathise with and vise versa.
But no everyone had these angels who - and I fucking hated these words- 'Just never cries.
Im so sorry to hear you've been going through the shit. What Ive described is nothing in comparisson.
I really hope you're luck turns soon. X
I think you should rebook your counselling. Perhaps you need at some point in time to have a real heart to heart with your dh about how much you are still hurting.
You've had a hell of a hard time, and a bit of "why me?" is a completely understandable response to that. But it won't help you move on - all you can do is focus on the positives that you have now. I bet you're a stronger, more resilient person because of what you went through, you have your DDs.
And those lucky friends - well, no one goes through life unscathed. Everyone has their troubles, now or later. And I'm sure when their shit happens you'll be there to support them because you're a good person who knows what it's like to be in a bad place. You'll have the empathy they'll need - again, something that's come out of your nightmare.
Jealousy is so destructive - and it's never really fair. You are worse off than many people, but better off than many others, and that's true for all of us.
I'll tell you a secret OP. When I had DD1, I would get up in the morning, put my make up on, go out to see friends or to baby group. I would tell people how fab it was, I'd laugh about the sleeplessness. I'd pass DD round. Then I'd come home. And cry. And cry. And cry. No housework was done. Bare minimum of interaction with DD. When DH came in from work I'd hand her over and retreat to our bedromm for the rest of the day.
Nobody but DH and my wonderful HV knew that. I still don't think my friends (the ones I've told) realise the extent of the PND I suffered. I'm so sorry it happened to you. It's fucking awful isn't it? What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't compare your insides with everyone elses outsides. You don't know that they aren't crying because they are tired, or feeling bitterly ashamed because they couldn't breastfeed (me).
You're not a bitch. Theirs nothing wrong with being a bit jealous that they appear to be taking to motherhood with ease. It's no failure on your part that you had PND.
Faye - I like that inside/outside comparisons it's lovely and I will steal it for the future.
OP - on phone so apols for crap typing. Sympathies for all the shit you went through. I hope you & your dh are on solid ground now.
I know what it's like to live through shit while others are blithely sailing through life. Some people are seemingly untouched by bad things and also seemingly unable to empathise.
I still have 'space' between me and some people who were not great during that time.
Others were fab and I feel closer to them now.
Maybe also question if its helpful for you to spend time with people who bring you down (however unintentional hey may be).
I got some counselling through the nhs though by the time it came through my situ had improved so I only went twice. It was still nice though
If you could wish it on your friends you wouldn't want to really - you would hate to hear of them going through it too.
It just isn't fair though and am so sorry you had this time torn away and for your loss. But what is done is done - you need to grieve, heal and look forward. Maybe this is an opportunity to reassess where you are and what you want and how you can feel closure on what's happened. Try and see it as a point from you start living for now and the future.
How has it been with dc2 so far - do you think there could be signs of pnd now?
Is there not a friend you could confide in? I have depression, and really suffered two years ago, but knowing I had a couple of friends who would listen, or just do normal stuff. If you go to your GP they could recommend counselling. I saw a lovely lady when I was suffering and she really put things into perspective, when I couldn't.
As for your friends who have the most wonderful sleeping babies, I can't believe that they all slept wonderfully from one week onwards. If so they are the unusual rather than the norm. I am hoping things get better for you.
I have felt similar feelings. Still tge sight of a friend glowing with her new DC in a post labour photo make me cry inside.
Why did I have such a brutal birth?
Why did I have an injured/traumatised baby who was angry for six months?
Why was it easy for everyone else?
But those feelings are fading because you can't do a monkey juggle about the past but you can change the future.
(and any mum who pretends their life is perfect is a liar )
You are not a bitch, i am sure many women feel like this - i know i did, i still do and my DD is 7 now! I see people sail through pregnancies (to be fair mine was relatively straightforward but i had a lot of other crap going on) not even get baby blues (i had severe PND that went undiagnosed for two years - was vile vile vile to my DP) The difference being, i was lucky, my DP stood by me - if your DH chose to have an affair, this was NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Absolutely no excuse - maybe if he had his priorities straight and supported you things might be different, that is HIS failing, not yours! So what if you were shitty to him, i attacked my DP with a knife and scalded him in the shower so if anyone had reason to leave, it was him - but he didn't.
The thing is, all those mummies who seem to have it so easy are probaby struggling just as much in different ways, no one wants to wish ill on others but i totally know what you mean and yes, some mums are particularly smug so i openly admit to shadenfruede when they fall from their perfect pedestals. This is unfair of course, but perfectly natural. Interestingly, people were stunned when I told them how ill i was, i hid it really well and to the outside world i was pretty much an alpha mummy.
Do you think that your good experience with dc2 is making you see what you missed with dc1? As much as you seeing others sailing through?
You are not alone, although if you read a hundred Facebook statuses you would believe you were, because similar to real life, people paint a perfect picture for the outside world whilst life is generally chaotic for most behind the scenes!
Neither of my dc's have slept as babies (still waiting for dc2 to sleep more that 3 hours - nearly two years later!)...and as single parent to dc1 and now married mother with a (not very interested in babies) husband to dc2, I KNOW how imperfect life can be.
Try not to be bitter though, just enjoy every minute you can with your dc's as time will fly past and your life doesn't need to be full of regrets of time wasted on bitterness when you've already been exceptionally strong through the darkest moments of your life. You have so much to be proud of already, and you are obviously extremely resilient...your friends are probably (unbeknown to you) envious of your strength!
Most of the time life seems to send to each of us no more or less than we are capable of dealing with, so if you've had a difficult personal life (I can empathise as I have too) then it is because somewhere in you are the resources to deal with it.
There is a lovely saying -
"In the midst of Winter, I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer" (Albert Camus). I hope this helps in some way...good luck with it all. X
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing OP. YADNBU to feel the way that you do and it is actually a great relief for me to read about it. You are an incredibly strong person to have come through what you did and I will give you the same advice that I give myself sometimes - You have every right to be jealous as it is NOT FAIR what happened to you! But it happened and you deal with it coz you are awesome
My situation was nowhere near as bad as yours, but I did have to deal with a horrific traumatic labour followed by a very sick DS who was on oxygen for the first 9 months of his life. Believe me, every time I see my friends having their perfect serene labours, going home the next day and doing something as simple as walk into the next room without having to unplug a fucking tube makes me seethe with jealousy
I know it's wrong but I can't help it even though I know deep down I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Anyway, I'm sorry I digress. Thankyou once again for sharing your story it helps so much. Please believe that your feelings are perfectly natural and I for one think you are pretty special!
Me and a friend of mine had babies close together. Mine was unarguably easy. Hers cried constantly for the first three months of his life.
And then one day it was almost as if they swapped. Mine started teething and stopped sleeping. Her son's colic cleared up and he started sleeping through.
I was no longer "the lucky one".
Incidentally she is now heavily pregnant with no 2. I am in early pregnancy but am likely to be told on Thursday that my pregnancy has failed.
No one has it perfect all the time.
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