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to be angry at my friend who continues to smoke despite being pregnant?

(107 Posts)
amandine07 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:39:15

This could be (very) controversial...

A good friend of mine recently announced she is PG- I was delighted for her, they have been trying for over a year, I had been a shoulder to cry on for most of the last year as she feared it wouldn't happen as she is 37.

She is about 8 weeks along and continues to smoke about 15 cigarettes a day, she has cut down from 20 so this is progress. She insists it would be more harmful for the baby if she continued to drink alcohol and smoking is "the lesser of 2 evils" and has no plans to give up completely.

I'm sure many of you will say this is none of my business- I'm sure it isn't. I just can't believe her attitude after spending most of the last 12 months going on about being barren, infertile etc.

Also, another close friend has been trying for 3.5 years to become PG and has just failed a 2nd round of IVF- she is utterly devasted & I have witnessed how hellish infertility can be.

This puts things in perspective for me...AIBU to be angry with my friends seeming nonchalance with the whole smoking thing?

rainbowinthesky Sun 14-Oct-12 18:41:24


TidyGOLDDancer Sun 14-Oct-12 18:41:49

She will be well aware of the dangers of this so there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

Therefore, YANBU to feel like this, but YWBU to say anything. It really is, as you yourself say, none of your business.

MrsKeithRichards Sun 14-Oct-12 18:45:17

I don't think yabu.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Sun 14-Oct-12 18:48:14

She has no plans to give up completely?

Your friend is a fool who will harm her baby's health. YANBU for being angry. Personally I would tell her how angry this makes you. You never know, it might shame her enough to stop. In all honestly I wouldn't have much interest in remaining 'friends' with someone so selfish and stupid so nothing to lose tbh.

Loie159 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:57

YANBU but it is her choice. Ultimately she must know its not good, and the risks it poses to her baby so whilst you might want to say something, saying it isn't going to change her mind. She has already tried to justify it by telling you it is the "lesser of 2 evils". If she mentions it again then I would just say something about her knowing the risks and she had to do what she feels is right for her. I agree with you though it is utter madness to have struggled for over 12 months to conceive and then willingly do something which will cause baby damage.

amandine07 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:53:50

It's awful- she's highly educated, got a degree and masters.
She is clearly not stupid (in some respects) but this is making me look at her in another light.

It truly is selfish and stupid. Her husband smokes a lot too, they do it in their home so I guess she has no chance of getting away from it & packing it in, at least until the baby is born.

FeckOffCup Sun 14-Oct-12 18:54:42

YANBU, it is selfish not to even attempt to give up completely and it's funny how many pregnant smokers wheel out the "doctor said the stress of quitting would be worse for the baby than continuing to smoke" line to try and justify it.

monkeysbignuts Sun 14-Oct-12 18:56:39

she is an idiot!
More fool her for waiting so long to get pregnant! Perhaps if she was that desperate she should have given up before trying.

Pickles101 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:56:55

YANBU, poor baba sad

FermezLaBouche Sun 14-Oct-12 18:58:40

I have a lovely, lovely friend who smokes about 20 a day. She got pregnant last year and continued smoking. Tragically, she had a miscarriage. I am in no way suggesting the miscarriage was anything to do with the smoking, but she was devastated and blamed herself massively. She's now pregnant again and still smoking.

Her choice, but it doesn't sit well with me.

LocoParentis Sun 14-Oct-12 19:01:16

yanbu but she does have a point about the alcohol as foetal alcohol syndrome is just awful.

ErikNorseman Sun 14-Oct-12 19:02:51

Smoking while pregnant is weak and stupid. I feel I can say that as an ex smoker who quit while pregnant!
She's in denial and making excuses. Silly mare.

FermezLaBouche Sun 14-Oct-12 19:03:54

You're right Loco, it absolutely is. But I just don't get why people who have chosen to become pregnant wouldn't stop doing something that is so obviously harmful to their unborn child.

StrawberryMojito Sun 14-Oct-12 19:04:16

YANBU and I'd probably try and shame her into stopping/cutting down more, my business or not. She'd probably tell you where to go though, she sounds quite happy with her choices. She's not alone, every time I've been to my local maternity unit there have always been heavily pregnant women in pyjamas smoking out the front. So depressing.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 14-Oct-12 19:05:26

YANBU. Did you see 'Misbehaving Mums to Be' last year? They did a lot on smoking, its effects on the foetus and the increased risk of miscarriage. If I were you I'd almost be tempted to see if you can get it for her on DVD, although I imagine it would just result in you getting an earful. I'm with everyone else on this - she's a twat.

LocoParentis Sun 14-Oct-12 19:09:26

As a former smoker i couldn't imagine lighting a cigarette if pregnant its just wrong wrong wrong to me.
She's probably one of these 'our mothers smoked while pregnant with us and it hasn't done us any harm...' types.

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 19:16:02

The 'shaming her into stopping' thing won't work, it will just encourage her to smoke when she's alone. She's addicted, more mentally than physically. Give her a copy of Allan Carr's 'Easy Way to Stop Smoking' book and then leave her to it.

amandine07 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:17:31

Both her parents were & still are big smokers- yes I think there is an element of "oh well, mothers to be all smoked & drank in the 70s" so by that reasoning it's ok to do it now!

Angelico Sun 14-Oct-12 19:21:03


ATourchOfInsanity Sun 14-Oct-12 19:22:11

Maybe she will give up soon anyway, apparently it can taste bad with the hormones.

amandine07 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:46:11

My OH told me off when I commented about it to her- he is smoker, as are most of our friends. I'm a non-smoker.

This set off a bit of an argument between me & the OH later, I couldn't believe he was saying that our parents smoked, drank and ate everything during pregnancy, as if that made it ok.

Also, I think there's a fair bit of denial going on amongst the smokers, not wanting to focus on how terrible it is for you. Plus demonising alcohol, like it's better to be a chain smoker than alcoholic...ridiculous!

I think this all just sits rather uncomfortably with me- my good friend and my OH defending smoking during pregnancy. Have to say I'm appalled at their attitudes...

MrsWolowitz Sun 14-Oct-12 19:47:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelico Sun 14-Oct-12 19:49:27

Thing is if you won't give up when you're pregnant don't know what would make you give up tbh. Maybe she is stressed about finally being pregnant and finding it hard to cope without. But can honestly understand your disgust - and I used to smoke myself. Also my sister who smoked from early teens and tried to quit several times finally managed when pregnant with DS and never started again. She had smoked heavily for half her life at that stage but would never for a second have considered putting her child at risk in that way.

RubyFakeNails Sun 14-Oct-12 19:51:24

I actually think yabu. While you are free to judge i think being angry is ludicrous.

She is not stupid as you've pointed out. She will have a midwife, and a doctor and be regularly made aware of the dangers, assuming she isn't already.

Ultimately its her choice.

Your other friends issues around infertility are of no relevance, well only to you. Why on earth should she care that someone else has a fertility issue.

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