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to have told MIL to go fuck herself?

(242 Posts)
ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 16:57:24

DD was very ill last night. She had been unwell for 2 days but last night her temperature spiked, she was in a lot of pain with her throat and was in and out of sleep all day. I decided to call the OOH surgery who told me to get up there at 11:30pm. We have no car and no money until next week so had to ring about for help.

My dad had had a few drinks so couldn't and my only other family that drives is my grandad who was in bed. DPI phoned soon to be MIL as she lives a few streets away and both her and FILL are teetotal. She said she didn't want to then seemed to come around and asked "Who will be going?" DP said me and she said no then he said he would go instead. I am fed up of her shit she dislikes me for no reason and has the 5 years DP and I have been together. She has a reason now though as I shouted "Oh tell her to go fuck herself then".

DD ended up at the OOH after my sister sent us in a taxi to her house then back up to the OOH to lend me £20.

DP said I could have worded it differently but it's just what he didn't have the balls to say but now DP's sister is threatening me and apparently within 12 hours it's got around his aunties and uncles who now dislike me :/

Sorry this is long but I didn't want to drip feed. MIL and I don't get on but when it comes to a favour for her 4 year old GD surely it's not fair?

YNK Fri 19-Oct-12 01:50:28

It doesn't matter what your relationship is like with her - she refused her grand daughter a lift when she was ill!
You are in the right to be disappointed on your DD's behalf! Nevermind, it's their loss. Don't grieve over it - just allow the distance to grow at their pace!
They are no loss to you! You will manage without them and their toxic behaviour. Get out now while you can!

JoInScotland Fri 19-Oct-12 01:30:27

Expat and others who are not appreciated by their own families or in-laws. I hear you, I really do. I have no contact with certain members of my family because of these attitutes. But you can be sure that your children know you are a kind, loving influence, and they will know in years to come what you have done for them, that you put them first, and that kindness and people matter - and it will be you who taught them this. Thank you for parenting with a kind, warm heart. It is priceless.

CuriousMama Mon 15-Oct-12 17:30:44

How awful I'm so glad you're not having a family wedding with them there.

I'm with others who said they'd take a stranger's dc to OOH or A&E. I can't understand people like her?

EmBOOsa Mon 15-Oct-12 16:59:49

YANBU, but you'll always get people on here being outraged that you dared to swear at someone, no matter how much they deserve it.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 16:55:45

Although it's awful for you all I'm kind of glad that I'm not the only one with out laws smile

Valdeeves Mon 15-Oct-12 16:15:20

I wouldn't waste time trying to make then like you. It's pointless - just treat then with the most respect you can muster.
I am with English Elponine - your MIL is outrageous.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 16:06:58

Blimey shock what warm people!

Lambzig Mon 15-Oct-12 15:41:43

Well they had two and I think they didnt like it much. When we go with DD we arent allowed before 2pm on the Sat and have to leave by 10 on the Sunday. DSIL is not allowed to stay with her two boys at all and definitely not at christmas/easter etc.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 14:06:11

How did they manage with their own children if they can't have more than one in the house lambig?!

Lambzig Mon 15-Oct-12 13:42:44

Expat, I am so sorry - they just sound awful.

OP I think you are better off without them.

DH's parents are really difficult. We are expecting our second DC in Nov. They live two hours away. They have seen DD 2.5 three times in her life and she hasnt got a clue who they are. Every time we have had to force a visit, but they arent really interested - they like bragging about their son and talking about their granddaughter, but not actually seeing her. They have already told us that we will not be able to visit with our new DC as they cant have two children in the house and they will not visit as we live in London. They are not old MIL is 54, FIL 60 and they are well and active, just not interested in their grandchildren. Compared to yours OP, they are charm personified.

My parents who are late 70s and not always in the best of health are insisting on coming down to look after DD while I am in hospital, bending over backwards to help and have already issued an open invitation to us all to come any time over christmas/new year. They are so excited that they will get to see the new gc first (and they already have 6 gchildren so its not the novelty)

Some people just aren't meant to be grandparents.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 13:14:26

Op. My inlaws have done this too. My dh was taken suddenly ill and we needed to get him to the hospital. Despite their track record i thought that they would want to help in this situation but i was wrong. They did help in the end but were clearly very, very pissed off about it. They couldn't have given the message any clearer regarding their feeling towards my dh, whereas with his brother they practically wipe his bum! It was bad enough when it was my dh, i can't imagine if it was one of our children.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 13:10:21

Expat. That's all so awful sad

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 12:46:17

DP has said he can do no more so I'm done with them as are my children. He can have a relationship with them if he likes but there's going to be no impact on me or our DC's. Fed up of crap.

riveroise Mon 15-Oct-12 12:43:26

Ellargh YANBU thanks. Hope your DD is better soon.

Expat, thanks I am very sorry for your loss and the grief from your inlaws. I remember reading the threads about your daughter, hoping against all hope that she would recover. There was something that stuck in my mind, that you had had to spend time preparing food for IL's anniversary or birthday or something, when your DD was so poorly, precious time away from the hospital. Surely not hold a 'celebration' in such circumstances or expect you to cater for it.

It is so shocking how these people have such a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.

diddl Mon 15-Oct-12 12:22:38

It´s who they are because they are allowed to be like that.

I think growing up we can be blind to parents faults.

But as an adult with children-that´s a different matter imo.

expatinscotland Mon 15-Oct-12 11:58:23

Oh, yes, I am a snob, apparently.

Kids only saw them every few months and then they'd park up on the couch for a few hours, expecting to be given tea and then leave.

LauraShigihara Mon 15-Oct-12 11:55:50

I have three children and only the oldest knew my outlaws. I don't believe that my children missed out at all by being kept away from such poisonous characters. In fact, I think their lives can only have been improved by being kept out of the difficult and stressful situations that the outlaws would have put us in.

If you were a stranger with a poorly dog I would have given you more help than your MIL did that night.

As a PS, my MIL once came across my adult daughter in a work situation (DD had no idea who she was) and my spies tell me she was boasting to all and sundry that she was so proud because her grandaughter was 'well posh' . Seeing as the reason she hated me was because 'she's right up herself' it seems quite ironic really...

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 15-Oct-12 11:51:17

OP, of course YANBU. She was petty and spiteful.

Nonno, you're talking a lot of shite.

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:50:21

its totlaly rude to him and his choices and descions as well to be so rude to you - he needs to make his DP see that!!! and HE needs to see that too, you are HIS choice, they need to respect that!

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:49:16


i know i am being controversial but these people dont like you and saldy never ever will.

you know that now - you can accept that - your DP has let all this fester to this point, its not bad thing when things expolde sometimes, your current situ is unacceptable and remaining silent only lets " others" fill in the gaps.

i dont think you are harming young DC's it sounds like you are better off without them.

your DP if he still wants to see them after this shold lay down some rules, that he never wants to hear of you spoken of - to in a bad way - and if anything reaches his ears there will be trouble, you are going to be his wife you are sorry they dont like you but he feels they never will no matter what you do, they have really shown their colours over a sick child, and they iether respect HIM and you - as the mother of his children adn soon to be wife - or THEY suffer the consequences.

they wont like it - but it will certianly improve thinsg in the long run

elizaregina Mon 15-Oct-12 11:44:26

we had to leave our house in a huge hurry a few years ago, it had been declared a health hazzard and we had already been living in it for weeks with my daughter getting sicker with cough, and then diagnosed lung infection.

MIl offered to take DD in her house but not us!

I was grateful at least she would take DD but of course we couldnt put poor DD alone in her house that ill.

ellargh Mon 15-Oct-12 11:43:25

I honestly don't think my children would be worse off. They rarely see PILs now and when they do its not for longer than a few minutes and with no quality time. They don't go over to their house much, never get taken out or babysat by them and receive ten pounds for their birthday or Christmas. This past birthday DD didn't even get a call on her birthday and despite living a 3 minute walk away got her birthday card only when DP went around days later. I had half a mind to post it back through the door with a note saying if a phone call couldn't be in the plan the money is not as important but DP convinced me I would be doing more harm than good.

I don't want any further communication with them but would I be harming my young DC's as DP is obviously conflicted about what's best as he's so used to them and says it's just who they are. Just because it's who they are doesn't mean it's acceptable sad

EldritchCleavage Mon 15-Oct-12 11:39:57

WHY the old lady might not leap to help the mother of her grandchild

The 'old lady' of 51 was being asked to help her grandchild, who needed medical treatment. Who in their right mind would care which parent was accompanying her, in those circumstances?

The problem with these threads is that I think a lot of people post from a pespective where they can't or won't accept that some people really really do treat others very badly indeed, and not for any good reason; that accordingly, there aren't always two sides to every story and it isn't reasonable to play Miss Marple speculating whether the OP has provoked this bad treatment by being the most awful harridan imaginable.

Of course, we can't know anything for a fact, but some of us at least accept the possibility that this is what is happening because we've seen it in real life. My best friend's in-laws are the most vile people imaginable. I once got her to put the phone down on her husband's grandfather because I could not bear to hear her being abused so badly-just a tirade of shouting going on and on. Her FIL turned up once to berate his son and it completely took my breath away. I had honestly never seen the like. Until then I had genuinely never realised how awful some people can be to their adult children. It's not that I see it everywhere, but I am able to accept it as a possibility.

LauraShigihara Mon 15-Oct-12 11:22:48

I didn't know full-grown adults behaved like this until I married into a family of them. Their loathing of me just grew and grew, despite everything that I did to try to make them like me. In a situation like you describe, OP my inlaws would have behaved in the same way, or caused a scene or charged us an extortionate amount of money (as my FIL did when he took me to hospital in superquick labour with his first grandchild and wouldn't let me out of the car until I had paid.Then charged DH the same amount when he turned up to join me)

DH and I made the difficult decision to step out of their lives over twenty five years ago and we havent seen them since. I made it clear to DH that he could change his mind at any time and renew his relationship with them, but I considered myself to have no out in laws and the children were not to ever spend time with such damaging people.

I'm sorry that your daughter was so ill and I hope she is on the mend. I just wanted to say that your children won't be damaged by cutting such awful people out of ther lives. Mine have thrived.

expatinscotland Mon 15-Oct-12 11:09:55

No, I understand completely, ella! DH was the same way.

MIL has a major martyr complex.

It was all tolerable, until DD1 fell ill and they dropped us in it.

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