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to have told MIL to go fuck herself?

(242 Posts)
ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 16:57:24

DD was very ill last night. She had been unwell for 2 days but last night her temperature spiked, she was in a lot of pain with her throat and was in and out of sleep all day. I decided to call the OOH surgery who told me to get up there at 11:30pm. We have no car and no money until next week so had to ring about for help.

My dad had had a few drinks so couldn't and my only other family that drives is my grandad who was in bed. DPI phoned soon to be MIL as she lives a few streets away and both her and FILL are teetotal. She said she didn't want to then seemed to come around and asked "Who will be going?" DP said me and she said no then he said he would go instead. I am fed up of her shit she dislikes me for no reason and has the 5 years DP and I have been together. She has a reason now though as I shouted "Oh tell her to go fuck herself then".

DD ended up at the OOH after my sister sent us in a taxi to her house then back up to the OOH to lend me £20.

DP said I could have worded it differently but it's just what he didn't have the balls to say but now DP's sister is threatening me and apparently within 12 hours it's got around his aunties and uncles who now dislike me :/

Sorry this is long but I didn't want to drip feed. MIL and I don't get on but when it comes to a favour for her 4 year old GD surely it's not fair?

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 17:50:22

Apparently when I was at a family party one time I said to DP which theyd overheard "I'd rather be out here (outside) than in there as I can't stand it". This was taken to the family as I can't stand them because they were pandering to DC's and then ignoring me etc. It hurt me that outside of that party they'd barely taken any interest in our DC's and yet were saying how precious they were and then word got around about how I hated all the family and that I was ignorant and snooty for not staying in the room for the full 3 hours.

It's shit like this rather than actual fighting. Situations where comments are misconstrued and I end up the bad person. DP set them all straight on the day but they called him a liar and we left. They're not a confrontational family so no outright arguments or fights and it's all Chinese whispers and hushed snide remarks. If it was a row I could hold my own but how can I possibly compete with that?

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 17:56:02

I agree with GhostShip.

Just stick to what you've been doing, your partner taking them round every now and again.

pigletmania Sun 14-Oct-12 17:59:41

Whatever issues they have with you, there is no reason for her to take it out on your dd, you were justified in your response, their refusale to help was probably the straw tt broke the camels back

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Oct-12 17:59:41

You cant compete, so the trick is to not try. Distance yourself - make sure you have an emergancy fund and now you don't have anything to do with any of them, tell yourself they don't matter. They can whisper all they like.

For the wedding, i'd be tempted to just go away and get married without any of them being there, tell them afterwards.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Sun 14-Oct-12 18:05:32

I agree she got off lightly. Yes you were rude - when you were grossly provoked and under stress! So ok you lack manners when under stress. What's her excuse for lacking loving care? hmm

Expat - I'm apalled to read about your inlaws too. Your poor dh, he must feel so let down.

Fairylea Sun 14-Oct-12 18:17:21

Yanbu. She deserved it. It's her grandchild for fucks sake ! Couldn't she just keep her mouth shut and get on with you / let you go with her for goodness sakes.

How ridiculous.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Sun 14-Oct-12 18:19:54

oh well, it will make the wedding cheaper grin

yanbu to tell her to lump it, though i would have tried to do it without swearing. makes it hader fo her to do the chinese whispers thing... chinese whispers can go both ways though... get dp to send the message back the ohter way.

Gooshka Sun 14-Oct-12 18:25:05

YANBU. Yes it was rude, yes there are better (more mature) ways of dealing with things etc but sometimes you just need to say it as it is and this was one of those times. It might do her good to see that you have a limit to what you will put up with and this was your limit. Life's too short for feuds and arguments but it's also too short to tolerate arseholes. Good for you!

LtEveDallas Sun 14-Oct-12 18:35:32

I know this may be unpopular, but I'm afraid I'd be stopping contact. You say that your DP takes the children round for 'the children's sake' - but she has now shown that she doesn't care about them, so what's the point? Do they really need her in their lives?

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 18:40:55

I'd quite likely have done the same and I don't think you were being unreasonable. About time she was told really.

I would have nothing further to do with them after this. They sound like arseholes.

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:45:04

I'm sorry. You call them for help because money is tight and you haven't got this or that. They can't help on that occasion so you tell her to go fuck herself!
Personally I think you sound like you expect other people to run round after you and then are quite rude when they are not prepared to.
Put an emergency taxi fund away and stop taking her for granted.

Bumblebee333 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:45:16

YANBU - I would have done the same. She needs to grow up.

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 18:52:30

leena did you miss the bit where it was an emergency and a 4 year old was ill?

OP would you have expected them to "run around" after you if your dd had been well?

I think if you can't call on family and rely on them for help in an emergency then it's a sad state of affairs.

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:54:47

Perhaps it's just me and I'm 45 and my MIL is 75 but no never. I've never asked or expected that kind of help.

ellargh Sun 14-Oct-12 18:55:01

Leena, this is an extenuating circumstance. I don't call her if I need a lift to Tesco or for free money. She could help but she made it quite clear that she didn't want to help me when it was nothing to do with me and all about my daughter. If I was asking her for things and she said you couldn't do you think I would have been quite so stressed probably so rude? We don't like each other and that's fine but when helping her grandchild is on a conditional basis I get shirty.

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:21

Also I can never imagine telling any woman who is 30 years old than me to 'go and fuck herself'. I know you felt stressed but was that necessary?

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:41

Yes I think it probably is just you leena.

Can I ask would you refuse to help your grandchild the way this MIL did?

Leena49 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:04

Yes it probably is!

MrsKeithRichards Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:19

But she was willing to take you dd?

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:28

Yep, it's just you, Leena. Ill 4-year-old with high temp. Asked for a lift, she said no if the OP were going.

I'm 41. Don't see what age has to do with it.

GhostShip Sun 14-Oct-12 19:00:38

Leena it wasn't a case of can't. It was wont.

She doesn't sound like she expects people to run around after her, how can you make that judgment from one example, an example in which her child was ill and in a lot of pain.

You can only take someone for granted if they benefit your life in some way, this doesn't really seem like the case does it

akaemmafrost Sun 14-Oct-12 19:00:54

Sorry, would you put conditions on helping your grandchild?

pumpkinsweetie Sun 14-Oct-12 19:03:46

Leena you are joking aren't you??
You are seriously saying op is taking mil forgrantedconfused, exactly how?

Her own grandchild was ill, she had a car but put her hatred for op before that of her own sick gc-She sounds like a witch tbh.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 14-Oct-12 19:04:56

Note: You can be a witch bitch at any age.

squoosh Sun 14-Oct-12 19:05:58


I would have said a lot more. I'd keep your contact with her to the bare mimimum from now on. Hope you're eloping as a wedding with his family sounds nightmarish.

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