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To not let my DD play with her friends Dad?

(110 Posts)
whatsleep Sun 14-Oct-12 09:03:11

Took 8 year old DD to play at her new friends house, she is new to school so I went along as I don't know the family at all. Parents have split and children live with Dad. Stayed for around 3 hours during which time the dad told me all about his split with his wife, how the nanny is constantly coming onto him and he can hear her playing with sex toys in the evening, and how the school teacher was flirting with him at parents evening. Also that hes desperate for a girl friend but doesnt know where to meet one, He has apparently been living in the area for 4 years but knows know body as the house is pretty remote. A very very odd afternoon, not really the kind of conversation you want to be having with a single man you have just met! And just set in concrete that my DD won't be going round again (my DH would be livid if I told him the full extent of the conversation) I just told him that he doesn't know anyone locally despite living here for 4 years. AIBU?

NotInGuatemalaNowDrRopata Sun 14-Oct-12 09:05:06

Poor guy sounds lonely.

LynetteScavo Sun 14-Oct-12 09:06:22

Your the parent, you decide who's house your DD plays at, or doesn't.

But I would be so tempted to invite his child to our house, just for the comedy value of what the dad would come up with next when he collected.

GrimAndHumourless Sun 14-Oct-12 09:06:28

well you know your kid ain't going round to play with dad is she hmm

anyway as ever, if you are uncomfortable with arrangements you can of course decline, ask the little to come to yours instead

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 14-Oct-12 09:06:42

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LynetteScavo Sun 14-Oct-12 09:06:43


BigWitchLegsInWailyTights Sun 14-Oct-12 09:07:21

Sounds like he was coming on to you! Yanbu...he has no idea of what's appropriate or he is a pervert. Invite the child to yours instead.

tescocarrierbagexplosion Sun 14-Oct-12 09:10:58

No need to upset the kids so just invite his kid to you! He was probably just coming on to you!

I'm female... But I know how men feel after one week... Jeez... 4 years!?

recall Sun 14-Oct-12 09:12:56

Trust your instincts...

whatsleep Sun 14-Oct-12 09:14:01

I know it seems unbelievable lying witch, I wish I was making it up! I thought I was being uptight and reading too much into it,but if you think it sounds made up then that has clarified for me that it was bloody weird! notin he does sound lonley but still very odd to have a conversation like this with a complete stranger?

snooter Sun 14-Oct-12 09:15:51

Why deprive your daughter of playing at her friend's house because her dad is lonely & fancies adult women? I feel sorry for him - he doesn't sound like some weird paedo. If you think he fancies you, well just don't give him a chance. Unless you're interested of course (TFIC)

whatsleep Sun 14-Oct-12 09:21:47

He wasn't coming onto me, he told me categorically that he never dates women older than himself, and would never date a woman with kids! Phew grin. I am happy to have his DD over to play and my dh would be around by the time he came for pick up so wouldn't feel awkward. But play dates seem to take turns so what exactly would I say when she's invited next time? His DD has already expressed that my DD is her best friend

snooter Sun 14-Oct-12 09:24:00

I really don't see why this is a problem. Just don't stay & chat next time.

LurcioLovesFrankie Sun 14-Oct-12 09:26:06

Snooter - don't think OP is saying he's a paedo - more that he's coming onto her (the adult woman) in a completely inappropriate way. Normal people do not mention sex to random acquaintances. You might mention it to a very close friend, but even then most of us don't have that sort of conversation with platonic friends of the opposite sex (except maybe the sort that have become a sort of honourary brother-figure). That sort of conversation, in the circs OP describes, is only done to deliberately overstep boundaries and try to initiate some sort of sexual connection.

I'd trust your instincts - if your DD really gets on well with this girl and you don't want to blow the children's friendship, send DH along next time, or make sure the next playdate is at your house, with DH there (and maybe even you absent).

snooter Sun 14-Oct-12 09:28:04

Yes I see what you mean & understand that it could have made her uncomfortable - still seems a shame to let it affect the daughter's friendship however. Perhaps daughter's dad could pick up next time?

whatsleep Sun 14-Oct-12 09:31:36

snooter I don't want to deprive my DD but I also want her to be safe. He might just be lonley and gagging for it but there's just something about the whole thing that makes me feel uneasy. I don't WANT to judge him and label him a weirdo but I guess in the back of my mind I am.

Pagwatch Sun 14-Oct-12 09:33:18

I can see your problem.
He just shows really poor judgement. That doesn't make him in anyway sinister but someone who has no notion of what is appropriate conversation and ladles sexual content and delusions of his own attractiveness into his conversation with a relative stranger is a bit thick. Mostly we don't want to drop our children off into the care of people who are a bit thick and have very poor notions of what is appropriate.

Just have the girl over to yours. Not least because you don't want her asking about the noise when the nanny is at it with the noisy vibrator.

ElsieMc Sun 14-Oct-12 09:33:54

How could anyone feel comfortable with this - surely most people's instincts would be kicking in here? He is someone to be avoided. His comments were inappropriate and it's hard to believe he talked about the nanny in those terms, the carer he employs to look after his children.

Don't take any notice of posters saying he is just lonely. You know you shouldn't let your daughter go there again. Of course it's not his DD's fault either so feel free invite her round on your terms only.

Does he really not know anyone after four years, or are they avoiding him too?

whatsleep Sun 14-Oct-12 09:36:02

To clarify I really didn't see it as him coming onto me, I just came away thinking I don't want my DD being alone in the house with him and his DD.

popsypie Sun 14-Oct-12 09:36:16

The stuff about the nanny made me grin! Good for her - she can play with whatever she likes in her room! It does not mean she fancies him! But why is he telling you all of this? He sounds a little socially awkward - or maybe he is trying to be funny! Trust your instincts OP - if you think your dd may hear stuff you don't want her to then only invite his dd to your house. It does not have to end the friendship. Also my dd changes her BFF like she changes her vest. So don't let that sway you.

usualsuspect3 Sun 14-Oct-12 09:37:39

He was talking to you ,another adult, not your DD.

Poor bloke sounds lonely.

LurcioLovesFrankie Sun 14-Oct-12 09:40:02

I'd listen to those feelings of unease, then. For what it's worth, I have a (much lower key) similar situation with a neighbour, nowhere near as explicit, but both my Dad and one of the other neighbours have commented on it! But in this case, I have no worries whatsoever about the safety of DS - any leching (such as it is) is straighforwardly aimed at me, and fortunately can be easily deflected by pretending not to notice and changing the conversation to the weather. But if you feel uneasy about your daughter being around him because you're picking up indications that his sexual boundaries are totally messed up then, sad as it is, you probably want to make the girls confine their friendship to school hours only.

LurcioLovesFrankie Sun 14-Oct-12 09:41:40

Oh, and I don't buy that the poor bloke just sounds lonely. Blokes who initiate this sort of conversation are deliberately overstepping normal social boundaries to put the woman in an awkward position and put her on the defensive. It doesn't happen by accident, it's a highly manipulative strategy.

whatsleep Sun 14-Oct-12 09:43:26

I think if he invites her over again I will just be blunt with him, I don't want to be his friend and I'm not worried about offending him. I suggested to him that maybe he should employ a male nanny if he struggled with his stunning female nanny so much! He was horrified and said he would be uncomfy having his girls cared for by a man.....maybe I could just use that as a comparison of how I feel having my DD at his house?

pigletmania Sun 14-Oct-12 10:22:15

Yabvvvu the guy sounds lonely and mayby shy. Some people talk too much nonsense when they don't know what to say. Your dd will be playing with his dd nt him hmm, not fair on the dd just becase you are uncomfortable with her dad. Invite Her over, or if she goes round to play make sure you go with her. Would you feel like this if it was a woman saying tese things. Anyhow if you are uncomfortable there are wuss in which your dd can still play with the girl

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