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AIBU?

to think life is dealing me a duff hand

27 replies

belle7 · 13/10/2012 23:46

im at the end of my tether in four years ive had four members of my family have cancer .
my dad is fighting cancer , my gran died of it four years ago , my uncle died of it and we bury him on Thursday and my mum has just been diagnosed with it.

i work as a support worker i support families but i am really thinking i must be a bad person as all this has happened . ive recently had a miscarriage and i don't know how much we are meant to be able to take .

i know im feeling sorry for myself but i really have had enough .

OP posts:

Report

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2012 23:50

I'm so sorry to hear that

Life is such a weird thing with so many inexplicable ups and downs.

It's got nothing to do with us being good or bad people though

It really is just the way it goes I'm afraid

ATourchOfInsanity · 13/10/2012 23:52

Sorry to hear all of this Belle :(
You have had a really rough ride. If I were more wishy washy I'd say something like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'these things are sent to try us' or whatever. I'm not and I don't think those phrases help.

Sometimes time is the only thing that works, but I really hope you have some great friends and support around you. If you work in the field then perhaps you have access to some counselling and could take advantage of that? No one can do it all alone, even without the immense pressure you are under.

Keep yourself well, that is the best thing you can do for not just yourself but your family. Chin up chicken :) x

belle7 · 13/10/2012 23:52

i just don't know how much more i can take . i feel weak just lost . im waiting for the next bad thing to happen

OP posts:

lisad123 · 13/10/2012 23:53

I'm sorry you are going though a rough time. You are not a bad person, these things happen sadly but it's no ones fault.

One thing that keeps me going is knowing, sadly, that there is always someone in a worst situation than you or me.

belle7 · 13/10/2012 23:55

the thing is because of my work i know the people that are worse off . i just wabt life to be ok

OP posts:

DistressedMumHELP · 13/10/2012 23:55

I am so sorry to hear that. I lost both my own dad to throat cancer, and my father in law to cancer. I was 15months when I lost my dad. My father in law I was 18. I had miscarried 6 months before. Things always seem to happen together its like life tests us. It's so hard.

AgnesBligg · 13/10/2012 23:55

Worra puts it very well.

This must be very hard for you and I'm so sorry. Try and keep strong but look after yourself too. It sounds quite shit for you right now.

PeppermintLatte · 13/10/2012 23:57

i'm really sorry all this is happening to you. you'll cope, somehow, you're stronger than you think.

really hope your mum and dad get better soon. xxx

TooMuchFuckingPerspective · 13/10/2012 23:57

Yes, life is dealing you an extremely duff hand but it has sweet fa to do with whether you are a good person. Just the shitty role of the dice. Really very sorry u have to deal with this but keep talking to people.

belle7 · 13/10/2012 23:57

a touch thank you so much i have a great friends network but hey im the one thats strong. im also expecting my first babe so am worried something will go wrong i hate hoe life has made me . just waiting for the bad points

OP posts:

belle7 · 13/10/2012 23:59

i feel i cant talk to people because i have to be the positive person i cant be seen to be thinking of death . i dont know i think im just a little messed up

OP posts:

lisad123 · 14/10/2012 00:00

Life is how you make it, your choices are your own. Life sucks, bad things happen and that's it. Nothing to do with what kind of person you are.

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 00:00

It's been a shit 4yrs for you OP to put it mildly

But perhaps the birth of your baby will be the start of a run of great luck and happiness for the next 4yrs, who knows?

Live has a way of evening out good and bad luck eventually I think...even if it doesn't seem that way now.

belle7 · 14/10/2012 00:01

im only 9 weeks pregnant i know i have to not stress any tips lol

OP posts:

lisad123 · 14/10/2012 00:03

Breathe deep, stress will have no effect on any of the things you are dealing with and most of it is out of your hands. What ever will happen, will happen wether you stress or not.
Write a blog.

ATourchOfInsanity · 14/10/2012 00:04

Try to get some help away from friends (better that way anyway). You need to talk this through with someone you can let yourself go with.
Get some sleep, if you can, and try to sort something like counselling out in the morning. You need to be strong for you now too. Otherwise you become like a saturated sponge, and believe me you will be no help to anyone that way.
You and bubs will be fine. You just need to focus on any positivity you have and get yourself someone independent to talk to :)

HappyTurquoise · 14/10/2012 00:07

Belle, that sounds like a sea of pain and numbness. As others have said, find some support for yourself. Let it out and take a look at it all. Counselling would be best, but friends too, and other relatives.

Count the relatives who don't have cancer...Other uncles and aunts, and grandparents; brothers or sisters; children, nephews & nieces, DH and his extended family?

Your Mum & Dad are fighting the cancer, don't assume it has won!

People (or relatives) don't get cancer (or have miscarriages) for being a bad person. They are not bad people, you are not a bad person.

Take heart.

HappyTurquoise · 14/10/2012 00:10

Make a list of the good things, however small.

HappyTurquoise · 14/10/2012 00:10

Think of little things to look forward to.

achillea · 14/10/2012 00:12

Hi Belle, I have also lost four family members, in the past 5 years, and also am supposed to be the strong one. I have found people are keeping away from me. This is very hard as I just want everyone to feed me hot sweet tea and make me cakes. I have had not one cup of tea and zero cakes. I have one very good friend who always does the right thing by me, but I think when there is a lot of death around you people get scared off and don't know what to say.

It's shit really, no other way to put it. Then there's the fallout, when someone dies there is always fallout such as extra paperwork, property to be dealt with, children, etc etc. Funerals to arrange - I'm good at that now. And it's all very draining.

Anyway it may be of some help but it may not, a friend of mine said once that when you lose someone you go a bit crazy for a while. You just have to allow yourself that, a bit of madness and a bit of time being untogether and incapable. Forgive yourself and forgive everyone else for not being there for you. She said it will pass. I am still waiting.

JeezyOrangePips · 14/10/2012 00:13

I know how it feels. In the space of a year I lost my dad, my mums best friend and my uncle, all to cancer. In the space of two and a half years I had that, plus my long term relationship ended, I had to move house and change jobs. I was bullied in my new work and had to leave there too.

It's now a year on and things are much improved. I can honestly say I am happy for what feels like the first time in years. It will get better. You just need uk allow youself the time to grieve. It's okay to be sad. But you also have to be kind to yourself. Don't feel bad about feeling bad and also, don't feel bad when you forget for a while and have a giggle or a night out.

Take care of yourself, and make the most of the time you have with your family.

NosFarlotu · 14/10/2012 00:15

Thinking of you. This is nothing to do with the kind of person you are. The people I know who have had the most tragedies in their lives are mostly the most wonderful people I know. I understand how it feels when the universe seems out to get you, but this is not personal and not a punishment. Do you have a cancer support centre near you, like a Maggies Centre? They can be just the thing at times like these.

iheartmycat · 14/10/2012 00:29

i can totally appreciate where you are - in a space of ten months, as a teenager, i found my dad dead, was diagnosed with the same heart condition that killed him, had major surgery against my wishes for same condition, then lost a good friend to the same thing. I so remember that feeling of just waiting for the next bad thing....

Just take it day by day and things WILL start to get brighter. You're NOT a bad person, you're obviously a strong one but don't be afraid to tell people YOU need looking after too.

In 8 months time, I very much hope that you'll be updating us that you are sitting with your lovely new baby, after having a visit from your mum and dad, who are both in remission from cancer :)

Keep being brave, this too will pass xx

marbleslost · 14/10/2012 00:34

We had a similar run of awful things a couple of years ago. I did start to wonder if there was some reason for it. I keep waiting for the next disaster, but it hasn't happened yet.

Just to say it is completely dreadful when this happens. I would strongly advise you to do as much as you can to keep yourself well as I think I ended up extremely stressed and depressed afterwards.

And that things will get better. I try to think of it as that I've had all my bad luck all at once and it's not my turn any more.

Sending you my best xx

Iatemyskinnyperson · 14/10/2012 00:38

So sorry to hear this, all the best, wish your parents a good recovery

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