Advanced search challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

(205 Posts)
Poppysquad Sat 13-Oct-12 23:22:39

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

HissyByName Sun 14-Oct-12 18:03:48

Edith, I'd say that his reaction AFTER the fact is actually the reason why Poppy needs to kick this BallAche into the long grass. The email is just the cherry on top. He reacted as guilty, not incredulous, not trying to prove himself, but with anger, aggression then punishment. A relationship like this, only 6m in? NO. That's ASKING for an escalation of what may very well ramp up to be abuse.

Poppy yes, you are putting up with treatment that is beneath you, you don't need to.

Please don't return any of his calls, in fact if you do change your number it'd be the perfect retort to his pathetic attempts to blame shift and manipulate YOU.

Anyone who would ferret around in married NSA sites is not someone to go out with. (with apologies to ferrets)

Take back your life and don't let him do this to you.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 18:09:53

The unhappiness is growing. I am feeling quite miserable and low.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 14-Oct-12 18:13:34

You can make yourself feel better by taking the control here. It will do wonders for your self esteem, believe me

EdithWeston Sun 14-Oct-12 18:18:21

HissyByName I completely agree.

Poppysquad yes, it's a horrid situation, and discovering that someone close to you is not what they seem is a painful awakening. It is something that you just have to live through; choosing either to submit to him or, as HHMF says, rebuilding yourself and coming out stronger.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 18:33:50

It's just that this is the first relationship after the breakdown of my marriage. I no longer know what is ok and what isn't relationship wise. So much is tainted by my past experiences

whatthewhatthebleep Sun 14-Oct-12 18:38:38

Of course you will be feeling's horrible for you...but the last person to even contemplate sharing this with would be him...please dont be tempted to try and gain any understanding from him

He isn't apologetic, isn't allowing you any room to discuss anything, has been clear about stopping any contact from you....stay well away from him because it really won't help you feel any better and this may not even be the only thing he has been doing....don't tie yourself in knots over this....and don't lower yourself to responding's just so not worth it, really

it's also a rather dull sunday night...a crap day to feel crap on....imo

sending you a hug and strength to help you pull through and move on xx

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 18:48:57

What do you feel like doing about it?

I suspect you'll immediately start to answer that question in terms of what he may do/feel. Because of your relationship history you probably have trouble believing that you can have any effect on the world, or that any desires/emotions of yours can lead to legitimate action.

But, if this isn't too woo, try to tell that whole side of your thoughts to shut up for a minute, and articulate what your own inner voice says it wants to do. Your inner voice, by the way, is allowed to be stroppy, unreasonable, demanding and pissed off! Or, to go the other way, it's allowed to be uncertain and in need of a think.

As for what's ok, I think we're mostly agreed this is pretty shit behaviour on his part, regardless of the truth about the website. As a general rule if you feel miserable (and provided you're not a spoilt brat, which you don't sound like you are!), that's not ok. It's certainly not ok six months in. Nice men - nice people - do not willingly treat others in a way that might reasonably be expected to make them miserable.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:04

I know he has had issues dealing with stress in the past. He has justified his retreating by saying he needs to look after himself at the moment. He is so upset. He hopes that we can resurrect our relationship but says he understands if I want to pull away.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 19:01:16


But what do you want to do? wink

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 19:01:25

This is what I posted previously...

He's acting like a child or a controlling man - neither are attractive in a partner. I think that you deserve much better than this guy, but your ex husband has done such a number on you that you expect this kind of treatment. I wish you could see this from the outside. He's not worth your heartache my love, he's really not

Have a think about it. Almost all of us have said the same thing... I know it's hard, I know it's crap - but you don't want to end up in another rubbish relationship do you?! It's hard to meet someone when you're no longer 18 and in a good social circle of single people, but it's possible, and you certainly don't have to 'settle' for some GIT just because you've hit 50!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 19:03:14

Honest to god, he's being a drama lama. He could have had an adult discussion about it, instead he's guilting you into thinking you have caused this - you haven't. He's either and emotionally stunted twat or a controlling git - either way - my advice would be PULL AWAY for good!

whatthewhatthebleep Sun 14-Oct-12 19:04:48

he's admitting to having issues and obviously in turn these issues are creating some other area's of concern or maybe out of character behaviour....

what you need to think about is not becoming his ever understanding agony aunt who will just put up with things being this difficult.
I think maybe you need your own space and time too and maybe if in a few months time you could plan to meet up...maybe things will be in a better place for you both.
You could set a place and time in say, 3mths time...whether either of you actually turn up will depend on where you both are by then. If it's worth it then it will work out...if not...then it's best to leave it alone.
Just plan the meeting up bit...even just to share where you both are at by might surprise yourself and be feeling much more confident and happier by then...see him as a friend maybe

Kleptronic Sun 14-Oct-12 19:08:36

He's upset? About what?

He has at some point looked up marital affair websites.

When asked about it he saw his arse, and demanded no contact from you until a time of his choosing.

Now he is upset? He has issues dealing with stress? This is not stress, this was a resolvable issue from the start, but he chose to throw his dummy out of the pram.

Sheesh. You deserve better than that.

Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 19:10:17

Forget him. what do you want?

Imo, what you need is to take a break from men altogether and in the meantime maybe get some counselling to work on your self esteem, so that you dont give tossers like the the time of day in future.

youarewinning Sun 14-Oct-12 19:15:09

It may be from months ago or after he last cleared search history. What pops up are the recents searches with the same letters iyswim? If I type an m mine automatically comes up with mumsnet and recently even though I had a 6 month break!

He hasn't denied anything which is interesting. Although his reaction to you questioning it seems a tad defensive.

Hope you sorts this out one whatnot another thanks

youarewinning Sun 14-Oct-12 19:16:12

Sorry missed there was a page 2 and the thread has moved on!

ClippedPhoenix Sun 14-Oct-12 19:17:36

Well, all I can say is good for you. You sussed him out. It always hurts to find out they aren't all they should be but onwards and upwards OP. It's a knock. Whether we have all the self esteem in the world or not it still frigging hurts. We could work on our "self esteem" till kingdom comes and find ourselves in your position.

He's the arse OP.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 19:27:49

sad. Wish I felt better. I sought counselling when my exH left. I wonder if would help now.....

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 19:39:21

I am so pathetic. This is hurting.

Nanny0gg Sun 14-Oct-12 19:40:13

"He has now sent me a longish email saying that he is very upset by this evening and and wants some time to himself. I'm not to try to contact him but he will be back in touch and it sounds like he wants to continue the relationship...... "
I'd be responding that I would certainly acede to his wishes, but there would be no guarantee that I'd still be hanging around when he wanted company again...

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 14-Oct-12 19:40:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousMama Sun 14-Oct-12 19:42:15

You really shouldn't be having these sort of problems in the first flush of a romance. He's not committed to you by the sounds of it?

He could string you along. I've experienced this with someone. He had me going nuts until I couldn't take anymore. He was also in his 50s.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 19:42:17

You are NOT pathetic. You hurt because you've been hurt by a dickhead! This is not a moral failing in you.

The thing to do with it is to get angry that it happened, and try to avoid it in future.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 14-Oct-12 19:43:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousMama Sun 14-Oct-12 19:46:03

You're not pathetic you're just raw. You've wanted something that he can't give. Like others have said,do you really want someone who is interested in these sort of sites?

It will hurt. You will keep checking your phone, emails. He sounds like he's emotionally stunted to me? Needs to grow up. You could do so much better. Don't let any ex relationships hinder this. I've had some crap relationships but ended up with a good one. I don't blame myself though it was their problem. If ever I've been in the wrong I admit it but tbh the men have usually been the cause of the break up. Ego, selfish, weird, pervy...etc.

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