Advanced search challenge the guy I have been dating for six months

(205 Posts)
Poppysquad Sat 13-Oct-12 23:22:39

I noticed that the third item on the 'History' on his iPad was a married affairs website. He claimed that this was from ages ago before he met me, which I am pretty sure is rubbish. He has put the phone down on me, saying that I was just a jealous woman and was upsetting him. We are both in our fifties!

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 00:39:13

Regarding the challenging: I told him that if he wanted to check out websites like that one then that was absolutely his perogative. I just want him to be honest with me. I only said that it was ballocks when he told me that it was months ago that he had looked at he site

FiercePanda Sun 14-Oct-12 00:39:20

You're not to contact him, but he'll be in touch?

I'd tell him not to bother, and go back to his grubby, recently searched for affairs websites. Sorry OP, he's being a shit to you. angry

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 00:47:58

thanks all. I have my own issues. Not challenging things straight away. This stems from a sham of a marriage where I dared not challenge my ex husband incase he'd leave me and my son. He left anyway after 23 years and we're now divorced. I'm really trying to balance out what is reasonable and what is not.

koolmumlookin4fun Sun 14-Oct-12 00:48:04

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our <a target="_blank" href="/info/netiquette" rel="nofollow">Talk Guidelines</a>. Replies may also be deleted.

FiercePanda Sun 14-Oct-12 00:50:22

You're not clingy at all, OP.

If you're in a relationship with someone and see they've been searching for something like married affairs dating, AdultWork, no-strings hook ups etc of course you challenge them.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

SoleSource Sun 14-Oct-12 00:55:31

My guess is he doesn't want to continue the relationship. He told you not to try and get intouch. Controllibg. You have issues you need to sort out and maybe being a petson for a while is better. Try a therapist, mybe. I did and it is worth it. Months ago he tried tnat ki.d of site, maybe he was just curios and didn't use it.

koolmumlookin4fun Sun 14-Oct-12 00:58:27

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our <a target="_blank" href="/info/netiquette" rel="nofollow">Talk Guidelines</a>. Replies may also be deleted.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:01:04

Hi SoleSource. The tone of his email suggests that he does want to see me. He says he is really upset by this.....but I had to challenge what I saw.

SoleSource Sun 14-Oct-12 01:04:49

Ok. Maybe just do as he says. Let him come to you Poppy. Don't put your life on hold. Go to the theatre for exampke smile Take him at his word. What else can you do?

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:04:54

Unfortunately at 51 bing preggers is unlikely grin

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:09:01

Thanks SoleSource. You're right. I can't do anything. A busy day tomorrow, thankfully. So little time to brood on things too much. I do need to make sure I don't put things on hold though, while he doesn't want me to call, Skype, email text, write or visit!

brdgrl Sun 14-Oct-12 01:09:40

poppy, I think he was looking at that site recently. As the other Ipad users have said.

And as someone else said - even if it were ages ago - are you really ok with that?

And his behaviour now sounds awful. You seem relieved that he wants to continue the relationship - why? He sounds dreadful. Sorry.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 01:09:43

Yes, you did have to challenge it.

I'd take him precisely at his word, to be honest. Don't contact him. And then if/when he makes contact again, assess how he goes about it. Does he say "I've thought about it, and I see how seeing a thing like that would upset you, but it's not what you think and I can explain why that search term would have come up"? Or does he just say nothing at all and expect to pick up where you left off? That would suggest this little period of silent treatment is a punishment for you daring to question something that looks a bit dodgy. In which case, LTB.

To be quite honest I'd be running a mile from someone who used or was considering using married affairs websites anyway, but each to their own.

Jellykat Sun 14-Oct-12 01:10:25

Well if theres nothing going on with this site and its old history then surely he'd have a reasonable conversation about it, and that would be that, sorted. Why is he too upset to talk? You questioned him, he answered.. you didn't kill his bunny!

The you're not to get in touch business is another matter.. you're supposed to wait by the phone until he deems to contact you?.. Sounds like a punishment for questioning him, tell him where to go!

Jellykat Sun 14-Oct-12 01:12:37

(oops slight X post there MadBusLady)

Aspiemum2 Sun 14-Oct-12 01:16:25

Agree with pp, he's a grown man acting like a petulant child. This is a sign of what will happen in the future. Do you really want to be with someone who goes off in a huff rather than discuss things properly?
Ds1 flounces off to his room when he's not happy, he's 11.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:16:29

Not sure I am relieved, just surprised at his reaction I think. If that's the way he reacts when challenged, it's not a good sign. And maybe he wants time to meet some of his other women unfettered by me!

And good advice Mad Bus Lady. I'll see what happens when he does get in touch

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro Sun 14-Oct-12 01:17:19

It's still crap that he wrote that email at all, really. Turning your not unreasonable suspicion into him being "upset", laying down rules about contact. Definitely smacks of control. Could you have jumped out of the frying pan into the shit with this one?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 14-Oct-12 01:17:50

He's acting like a child or a controlling man - neither are attractive in a partner. I think that you deserve much better than this guy, but your ex husband has done such a number on you that you expect this kind of treatment sad

I wish you could see this from the outside. He's not worth your heartache my love, he's really not.

koolmumlookin4fun Sun 14-Oct-12 01:18:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our <a target="_blank" href="/info/netiquette" rel="nofollow">Talk Guidelines</a>. Replies may also be deleted.

Bogeyface Sun 14-Oct-12 01:24:00

He is punishing you for the fact that you know that he is lying.

His "wanting space" is actually a ploy for you to spend X amount of time getting more and more worked up so that when he does deign to get in touch you will be so pathetically grateful that you wont ever question him again.

Text him and say "I agree that you need space. I am giving you the rest of your life."

Astelia Sun 14-Oct-12 01:24:45

Curiously looking at these websites isn't really the big deal, though I don't think it is very nice, however his sulking and refusal to discuss it do make him sound immature and lacking in EQ.

I like Mad Bus Lady's advise too- see what he says as and when he gets in touch. In the meantime get on with life.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 14-Oct-12 01:24:56

We can't know when he visited the site - but he has confirmed that he has visited the site ( "He claimed that this was from ages ago" ) at some point. A site facilitating affairs for married people <boak>. Now, since he is presumably single, that suggests he was looking for a married woman to have an affair with. So not really looking for long-term commitment is he?

As others have said, the whole "don't contact me" smacks more of punishing you than of him being hurt by your finding him out probing.

Astelia Sun 14-Oct-12 01:25:40

PS my history would make anyone else think I'm deranged. Off to clear it now.

Poppysquad Sun 14-Oct-12 01:27:37

Bogey face grin you re wicked. But I do like it! The same thing occurred to me. I seemed like a way to stop me challenging him again

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now