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To wonder when equality went out of the window and to think that I AM a 'real' woman?

(68 Posts)
sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:31:58

Recently broke up with boyfriend, feel free to read other thread. There were loads of issues already and while I'm sad about it it's probably for the best.

But there's one thing I'm feeling particuarly wounded about and it just won't leave me, it was something that was mentioned in the past and something that has been used to attack me in text wars since.

Basically between apologies and telling me I'm missed and he knows he acts stupid. I've been told I'm not domestic enough, I didn't look after him, he needs someone who will look after him and not expect him to do washing up or help around the house, I'm not a real woman, he will find a dedicated woman. I need to learn who's boss (I think he was joking).

And although I'm sure I'm not in the wrong I find myself analysing things and even questioning friends about how much their patners do.

My now ex didn't live with me but had over the past 3.5 years been staying round my house often 4-5 times a week. The only things I ever asked him to do were, in the week either wash up after I'd cooked for us OR read ds a bedtime story. And half the time I'd say leave the washing up and do it in the morning anyway. And that's it. Weekends I might ask him to put the bins out while I bath ds or vice versa, help ds have a wash while I ironed an outfit or vice verca before going out and I honestly can't think of anything else that I asked on a regular basis. He did cook but not reguarly I'm talking every 3 weeks he might have been in charge of poaching some eggs for lunch. Actually he has hung washing on the line maybe 5-6 times in 3 years.

I keep my own house clean despite exes presence making this evermore difficult as he would open a drawer to find socks and boxers and leave drawer open and socks in a heap on the floor finding the ones he wants and other clothes spread acros the floor clean mixed with dirty. I washed all his clothes that he left and made sure he had clean stuff to wear and repeatedly folded and packed his going home bag, I offered to iron for him but he said no there's no point ironing clothes. I did other washing he'd bring stuff over for me to wash like his work overalls and even wet stuff for me to hang out.I cleaned his piss up off the toilet seat daily despite his denial that it was him and flushed the shit and piss out of the toilet that he left for me in the morning. I picked up his wet towels, cooked for him almost daily. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting him to get a sponge and clean the bath, or get the mop or hoover out or dust anything.

On the weekends every morning I make the beds, ex would never make a bed when he got out of it, and I have a quick tidy round usually while he would switch the tv on or sit on the net.

Now thing is, I work four days a week far away and don't get in until 6 those days, I have a ds to take care of too, I try to take care of my appearance so I do like to shave my legs and do my hair and make up each day (maybe I should drop this in favour of household chores). And I also like to chill of an evening for a couple of hours too, so I'm not sure I could do anymore really.

Even my dad who my mum waits on hand and foot said that all this men and women roles is a myth and he got stuck in when us kids were little.

And worst bit is ex isn't exactly the type to get stuck in to the 'mans' jobs at the weekend either! Despite being more than capable and even if he wern't, I think to say he wasn't a 'real man' because he didn't would just be spiteful.

I'm sure he's just being an idiot about it and have told him so, but it's still dented me and made me wonder if all other women are donning their pinnys every weekend and making sure their husbands are ok.

MaBaya Mon 15-Oct-12 12:08:59

He sounds like a total arsehole. Ignore him.

EldritchCleavage Mon 15-Oct-12 12:07:30

You could block his number, I suppose.

HecateLarpo Mon 15-Oct-12 12:00:59

WIFE DUTIES? <faints>

Oh you are well out of that one!

you must be properly trained in order to please the lord and master of the house.

Screw that.

sillymoomoo Mon 15-Oct-12 11:47:04

No, not going to get back together.

And I've been trying to not engage in any kind of discussion with him, but fall silent for a few days and he starts. I'm my own worst enemy I think as I like things to make sense, and to me, his behaviour doesn't so still driving myself a bit mad trying to figure out what's going on in his head so end up answering.

So I'll get a few texts telling me how awful I am, then he'll say something like he knows he needs to change and how about we buy a house together instead of living seperately, as this would make him happy which is what he did this morning.

EldritchCleavage Mon 15-Oct-12 11:24:51

That was me-a woman's place is in the wrong, and all that. I think that dream's pretty telling.

So, it's over, he's bogged off, but you need to talk. No, he's too angry to see you (punishment tactic), but he demands you converse with him by 'phone, whether you feel like doing it or not. Lovely. Does this give you any hope that this relationship could improve?

Are you going to get back together with him? Because unless you are, you've really got no reason to put up with his text whining.

sillymoomoo Mon 15-Oct-12 10:12:09

To the pp who said I'm there to be blamed I think you're right. I've been having weird dreams lately. The one I had the other night ex and I had gone to a theme park that we go to every year to see fireworks, we lost eachother somehow and my phone wouldn't work to ring him, so he just left and got the train home without me, for some reason in my dream this meant that he had to leave his car, when I eventually got hold of him he wouldn't answer the phone (he's got a thing about not answering the phone when he's got a mood on) and put the train driver on the phone instead, and blamed me for him having to get the train and how awful it was for him, despite the fact that I was now stranded at the theme park in the midde of the night!

I know that's just a dream but I think it's telling how the relationship made me feel.

I didn't see him yesterday, he text a couple of times during the day saying if he's so bad why don't I go and find someone perfect with a perfect body, I said I don't care about perfect or bodies, I just want normal, he text last night though saying 'he knows we need to talk', but that right now he doesn't want to see me as he's angry and is in his own little world. I couldn't resist texting back saying 'ok fine', then he said 'no speak to me now, I want to talk, it might be another week now before I'm in the zone again'. Wtaf does that mean?

I wish I could understand what goes on in his mind. Believe it or not, when we were physically together, he acted pretty normal. confused

EdithWeston Sun 14-Oct-12 12:56:07

I'd simply say "lucky escape". He doesn't sound remotely good enough for you (and your domestic standards are well above mine).

WhenLifeGivesYouLemons Sun 14-Oct-12 12:48:28


I hate showing off my awesome DH, but yesterday he very nicely let himself be kicked out of the house to get me some pudding cos I'm so pissed at being a day overdue with baby grin

There are some really nice partners out there that won't treat you like shit OP

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 14-Oct-12 12:26:05

Sorry, the second DH was a typo. Not Dear Dear Husband - that's just silly

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 14-Oct-12 12:25:26

Exactly - WhenLifeGivesYouLemons

It's a sad fact that we sometimes don't see quite what a twat someone is until we meet someone who isn't a twat.

OP I wish I could introduce you to a my DDH. He's a real man - changes nappies, makes cakes, fixes thing, irons own shorts, treats women as equals etc etc. Prety basic stuff that's sadly lacking in some.

samandi Sun 14-Oct-12 10:04:58

I'm sure he's just being an idiot about it and have told him so, but it's still dented me and made me wonder if all other women are donning their pinnys every weekend and making sure their husbands are ok.

Erm, no.

BertieBotts Sun 14-Oct-12 10:04:54

I just remembered - I read this the other day, I think you'd like it smile

WhenLifeGivesYouLemons Sun 14-Oct-12 09:59:53

I forgot to say in the previous post OP,

This is not the norm. I know of no other DP/ex-'D'P like this. Yes it's true that women do a disproportionate amount of the housework overall in society, but cleaning up piss from the toilet seat is stuff that most blokes grow out of in their toddler years.

I think when/if you find a new partner you'll quickly see how utterly unreasonable your ex-DP really is.

JeezyOrangePips Sun 14-Oct-12 08:24:10

I would reply 'yes, I know what you are like, which is why I am not going to meet you tomorrow'

He is looking for a mother, not a wife.

JeezyOrangePips Sun 14-Oct-12 08:22:25

I would re

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 14-Oct-12 08:12:27

Don't talk to him. He sounds emotionally immature and inadequate. Don't let him drag you down any more

ZillionChocolate Sun 14-Oct-12 00:46:53

You can be a real woman now you've stopped being a doormat. That may sound harsh, but honestly, you need a wake up call. You're grateful that he once cooked you an omelette when you were ill? It sounds like his contribution to your life was pitiful. If he was living with you part time, he should have been contributing equally when he was there. Doesn't really matter how, as long as you're both happy.

UltraBOF Sun 14-Oct-12 00:03:16

You don't need to talk. He needs to keep pestering and belittling you, it seems, but you certainly don't need to indulge him.

sillymoomoo Sun 14-Oct-12 00:02:42

No No No and again No - what's to talk about? Don't get sucked in

Who knows? Maybe he's got some washing to be done or he's horny. Maybe he wants to tell me I'm wonderful and buy me something then throw it back in my face next week, or maybe he wants to tell me how shit I am.

But I won't be seeing him. Thanks for all the supportive and some hilarious replies.

bagofholly Sat 13-Oct-12 23:53:55

And I know he's a headfuck because despite saying all this and various other hurtful things he's text me only an hour ago asking to see me tomorrow and saying that he's sorry for being mean, I know what he's like and he needs to change but we need to talk.

Has he dropped the lottery? If no, get out. And stay out.

MadameCreeper Sat 13-Oct-12 23:52:58

He's a silly shit. You are banned from any further play dates with him.

No no no no no no no no.

bagofholly Sat 13-Oct-12 23:51:34

He's not nasty, he's damaged. Terribly so by the sounds of it. Maya Angelou said that when you come out of a relationship like this, you need to let go and thank them from the bottom of your heart "because now, you know what crazy looks like, and when you see crazy you can walk the other way."

geegee888 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:50:42

I would be glad you've got rid of this one and get a better one pronto! He does sound rubbish! Its good to have a man that runs around after you a bit!

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 13-Oct-12 23:46:18

Tell him he has blown his last chance, and from now on you will not be engaging with his shit in any way

justmyview Sat 13-Oct-12 23:44:38

No No No and again No - what's to talk about? Don't get sucked in

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