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A little perspective please.

(45 Posts)
FoxSake Fri 12-Oct-12 22:48:55

ok having been fully flamed in AIBU and swearing never to do another I find myself in the position of needing a little perspective. I have my period, I am tired I may be being irrational.

I was supposed to be going out tonight dh new this, stopped at supermarket on the way home and got nice stuff for older dc and beer for himself. He rang and said what do we need, I say formula and a can of red bull. He arrives, he has neither he has forgotten.

I hand over dc to him at about 5.45 to go and get ready I say "baby dd won't go to bed till a bit later as she had a 2 hour nap from 3-5. I have a bath que constant stream of children and dh banging on the door asking me how long I will be. I come out about 6 and dh is taking baby dd into bath to bath her, usual bedtime routine, again I say she won't sleep early due to nap. He says he is taking her into play, she refuses to get in the bath, she is nearly 10m, I have to go and assist. She lasts about 2 mins, he gets her out dresses her for bed and then leaves her upstairs with me where she cries and climbs up the back of my legs I have to multi task.

Eventually after me giving her back to him he takes her to bed at 6.45 gives her a bottle and as in puts her in the cot with it and leaves her. She cries, a lot. I go back and forth trying to get her to sleep he decides he will go out and get formula he arrives back with formula and then says can I stay whilst he goes and gets himself a take away, I am now late, baby is still crying he goes out for 15mins where baby then becomes hysterical. I go in, she has a horrible cold, I pick her up and rock her to sleep she gets snot all over my dress. I have nothing else suitable to wear, I'm so pissed off with I just got into my pyjamas and text my friends my apologies.

He hasn't spoken to me after saying something like "oh i'm sorry I made a mistake" in a sarcastic voice and has now taken himself off to sleep on the sofa.

I do not wish to leave the bastard grinbut AIBU or do I need to apologise. Sorry I know it's really petty but I have to admit when I have my period I can be quite irrational not going may have been over the top but by that point I was tired, felt like shit about how I looked and just generally could no longer be arsed. I'm sort of failing to see how he is angry with me, perhaps you lot could enlighten me,[ gently] pleasegrin

FoxSake Fri 12-Oct-12 22:50:59

Oh god that's long, do tell me to bore off. I should have just had wine and shouted. The not speaking to each other is new territory for me.

I feel like my mother, I'm just disappointed.

puds11 Fri 12-Oct-12 22:52:38

I would have just gone. They can survive without you for one night.

FoxSake Fri 12-Oct-12 22:53:54

He wasn't here for me to go though he was at the supermarket and then the take away. By the ti e he got back I was covered in snot and thoroughly pissed off.

Merrylegs Fri 12-Oct-12 22:56:04

You should have left at 6.30. Martyr.

Top marks for the random shopping request though - formula and red bull. Respect.

I dont think yabu.

He has selective hearing I think.

TBH if I had been you I would have stamped my feet and flounced out anyway.

Everlong Fri 12-Oct-12 22:56:31

Ah you should have got ready and gone out.

Hard I know when it's your baby, but she's with her DAD.

Arrange to go out soon.

Softlysoftly Fri 12-Oct-12 22:56:45

You didn't even say anything to him, you not going is your choice.

That's his guilty conscious shifting through, so no yanbu

LingDiLong Fri 12-Oct-12 22:56:47

Apologise? APOLOGISE?? What the fuck for?? He ruined your night out. Either through intent or thoughtlessness. The only unreasonable thing you did was getting too involved with the kids when you were getting ready to go out, I'd have left him to it. Why did you go in when she was crying? I'd have called him up and made it clear I couldn't go in as I was getting ready. When he asked to get a takeaway I'd have said no as it would make me late.

FoxSake Fri 12-Oct-12 22:56:48

I do agree I should have gone late though but by that stage I had nothing to wear I had baby wiped the snot off and it had left a massive damp patch on my shoulder and I was cross.

BridgetBidet Fri 12-Oct-12 22:58:01

He should have sorted it out himself if you were going out. I sort my baby out on my own if my DH is going out. But you should have just given him a takeaway menu and told him to fucking phone one because you were going out.

Next time start drinking vodka while you're getting ready so when he moans you can just tell him you're half pissed already so you can't do anything he wants you to and he has to deal with it.

Then go out.

This may not work if you are more sophisticated than me and are going out for dinner party or similar sober night out rather than getting drunk and falling over with your mates like what I do.

But still is rather fun and works I find.

AgentZigzag Fri 12-Oct-12 22:59:32

You should have just left them to it, but then the pull of your DD crying and upset isn't easy to ignore.

But still you should have ignored the situation and left her with her capable dad grin

Or incapable in this case, but then he did OK at roping you in didn't he?

Did he do play the hapless dad on 'purpose' (to make it easier on himself rather than to stop you going out) and did you perhaps not want to go out as much as you thought you would?

Woofsaidtheladybird Fri 12-Oct-12 22:59:46

He should have got his nosh at the supermarket and not left to get a takeaway. You should have said that to him, handed baby dd over, and gone.

Harsh, but that's what I do! Sorry.

Oh and find a pashmina type thing / cardy to cover the snot. Or add more to make it look a clever pattern wink

Hope you get another chance to go out soon.

LeChatRouge Fri 12-Oct-12 22:59:47

Next time, can you chuck your stuff in a bag and go to your friends to get ready thus removing yourself from the house during the time when the kids are at their most fractious?

MrsTomHardy Fri 12-Oct-12 23:00:00

Don't understand why he's pissed off at you tbh.......i on the other hand would be livid if i were you......

Next time you arrange a night out leave him to it, don't let him palm dc off on you whilst you're getting ready etc

FoxSake Fri 12-Oct-12 23:00:37

I went in because he wouldn't and also because some of the time he wasn't here and because I don't leave her to cry and because I wanted to leave a calm happy house for a change instead of the usual mayhem. She wasn't tired I knew she'd scream, that's why I asked him to put her to bed later.

Does he do this often?

The more I think of it the more it sounds deliberate.

If Im going out (not that I do much) DP will actively help me get ready. Not actively stop me.

sooperdooper Fri 12-Oct-12 23:00:57

YANBU - but you should've told him he could ring a takeaway and gone out at that point. he didn't need to collect it smile

LingDiLong Fri 12-Oct-12 23:02:06

He wouldn't go in? Why not? I'm also thinking he did this on purpose. He got what he wanted too didn't he?

MrsTomHardy Fri 12-Oct-12 23:04:19

Sorry but you played right into his hands

MimiSunshine Fri 12-Oct-12 23:04:22

Ok I can imagine how you felt and why you felt the need to flounce off into your PJs. But...
You didn't have to go in and help bathe DD. Next time take the baby straight back to him if you're getting ready and he's doing... What... Watching TV?
Fair enough waiting for him to go and get formula but he could have had the takeaway delivered.

He knows you'll step in and so doesn't really prioritise your night out, because basically you didn't 100% either.
He'll probably deny knowing what he did wrong, so don't get drawn in to the explanation as he'll probably make you feel daft and petty, just tell him you felt like he didn't show any consideration for you.
Then go out for the day on your own leaving him with the kids

GhostofMammaTJ Fri 12-Oct-12 23:04:53

I think you are too full of your own importance. I am over myself, so get to go on nights out.

cheekydevil Fri 12-Oct-12 23:05:02

Top tip, next time you have arrangements to go out make sure you have something in the fridge that he can heat up for his dinner, you have everything in he will need including beer ffs and as soon as he thinks he can dump child on you whilst you are trying to get ready you put him straight.
I am telling you this from bitter experience, some men just take the piss. You deserve your night out and deserve to enjoy getting ready stress free.
By giving in and not going out you just gave him what he wanted.
Arrange something for next weekend and let your hair down, don't forget to wake the whole house when you come in and then fall asleep snoring loudly leaving him to get DC's back to sleep (which is what my DH will do later tonight after his night out)

FoxSake Fri 12-Oct-12 23:05:05

He doesn't really do it often because because of his job I don't get out that often and when I do it's usually me sorting all 3 out for a babysitter getting myself ready then going out or at least putting the baby down. He is pretty capable I think tonight he was quite excited about having an even g in the house to himself, beer take away film, that doesn't happen often either that he forgot about the kids.

He also fed the other 2 a giant bag of haribo and didn't make them brush their teeth but I stayed out of that one.

FoxSake Fri 12-Oct-12 23:08:27

There was food in the fridge. It sort of unfolded before me, I helped at each stage as I thought it was the easiest thing to do for an easy life.however with hind sight you are all right and I should have just left but I just wanted to be dressed, looking reasonable and out.

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