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I feel so lonely, but what can I do?

(30 Posts)
nilbyname Fri 12-Oct-12 17:48:52

I think IABU, but bear with me.

Myself and DH are (were) part of a group of 8 couples. We used to do a fair amount together, dinner get togethers, days at the seaside, camping and so on. we have all had kids, things have tapered off a bit, but we still make the effort with birthdays and so on.

When I say things have tapered off, it is more the case that one of the couples has made some new friends, and my old group has been subsumed into this new group. All apart from me and DH. So I am sort of on the outside of this social circle and it hurts. It is not done with any malice or any thing like that (I think) so I need to take it on the chin.

Thing is though I feel ever so lonely. They are all going out to dinner tonight and me and DH are not. Last week they were all at a big party together. Not me and DH. Now Dh and I have other friends, and we do other things, juts not as often as we would like and to be frank. I prefer the company of my original group!

To compound matters my dad is very ill, and I feel like I am not much fun, and my confidence has gone. I have met this other group afew time and I feel all needy and a bit weird around them, like I have a flashing light above me that says "like me like me!"

I have spoken to a couple of my good friends about this and they have reassured me that of course it is nothing personal and that it is a good thing to have a wider group of mates. I agree in principle.

So, I know I am being unreasonable to feel like this, and it makes me feel like a school girl again, not being in with the in crowd.

Sorry rambling on now. How to feel better?!

Are they a tiny bit insensitive to how it might be making me feel, or do I just need to grow up a bit?

AgentZigzag Fri 12-Oct-12 17:58:41

If it's not being done with any malice, then there must be a reasonable and innocent reason why they're doing it.

Do you find it harder to get a babysitter than them? Have you said you're skint at the minute? Is it more difficult for you to get to where they're eating?

What is it that's making you feel you're being needy when you're with the group? Does your DH agree you're not as relaxed as normal?

nilbyname Fri 12-Oct-12 18:10:48

We are not invited! They are doing stuff with this new group and we are not part of it, that is the bottom line really.

I am less relaxed, but I feel like what is going on with my dad ought to give me a bit of special status to some extent, and I would dearly love to go out for dinner/party etc. We are just in with that crowd, but I feel like my good mates could include me if the wanted to....

TiaMariaandDietCoke Fri 12-Oct-12 18:19:10

have you tried inviting the group out to do something rather than waiting for an invite from them?

Graceparkhill Fri 12-Oct-12 18:23:06

Hello, I am sorry about your dad and sorry that you are feeling down.
I was going to suggest the same as Tia Maria- be proactive and organise something then invite the others . Or maybe just the 2 couples that you get on best with ?
Good luck.

chocolateistheenemy Fri 12-Oct-12 18:26:11

I feel really sad reading this. You sound very lovely and nice, and even if this isn't done in malice or with intent, it seems thoughtless and unkind of your friends. My advice would be to take the bull by the horns and try to organise something yourself with them, rather than waiting for an invite. Or, is there one of them in particular that you could confide all this in? Pick the most sensitive/approachable of the bunch. Ask for complete honesty and see how it goes from there.
Do you know/like/get on with these Newbies?

chocolateistheenemy Fri 12-Oct-12 18:27:06

We all x posted there!

nilbyname Fri 12-Oct-12 20:52:31

Thanks all for your words, thank you for not saying I am being a sensitive div and a pathetic idiot.

I have planned for my original group to come for dinner in a couple of weeks. I cannot however invite this other group as I think that ship has sailed and it would look too calculated/empire building.

I have spoken to one of my mates in a round about sort of way, but how can I say "I feel left out, I want to be part of this bigger group and I am not." without sounding really bloody stupid. I keep thinking that I need to be reading between the lines here and that in actual fact things are panning out this way because...well they just don't like me.

It just really hurts. I 35. I thought I had shed that whole insecure feeling. I cried my eyes out earlier on and thought I want to move away and start again. How crap is that. Might I be depressed? I feel like my responses are way out of what is happening.

chocolateistheenemy Fri 12-Oct-12 23:40:19

Surely your supposed good friends are kind enough or have the empathy to realise they're all in this new clique and you aren't? What did your friend say when you broached this? Your dad is ill on top of all this. It's possible you might be depressed but with good reason. How bothered is your DH?

nilbyname Sat 13-Oct-12 07:42:27

See you get it, that is precisely what I think should be happening, but it is not. If it were me I would try and make sure everyone was included.

DH finds it hard to see me so sad about this and he can see where I am coming from, but short of him talking to my friends for me there is not an awful lot he can do. He has been really supportive of my feelings and kind. He also thinks we need to extend our circle as well as inviting our original group to do more. Which we are doing.

My friend who I mentioned this too, on one hand was saying she would never do anything to hurt me intentionally, and on the other hand she was also saying that it is healthy to have a wide circle of friends and not to do the same things with the same people all the time. I can't disagree with that. To be fair she recently had these new friends and me round for coffee last week. I think that she is conscious of what is going on, but can't really make them include me. They were all at one of the new friends house for dinner last night. That is something she cannot really influence.

I feel terrible about this i think i am making my friends feel guilty and further pushing them away.

ssd Sat 13-Oct-12 07:49:40

this sounds very hurtful op and I feel for you

tbh I just think in life there are people who think of others and people who look after themselves

you fall into the first category and this makes you more liable to be hurt when your friends fall into the second category (can you tell I've been there too)

I think even if you somehow made them include you, it would never be the same

I'm sorry, you sound lovely and I'd be your pal! smile

socharlotte Sat 13-Oct-12 08:31:53

Maybe you realise how hurt people outside your old clique felt?

nilbyname Sat 13-Oct-12 08:35:30

socharotte Missing the point.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 13-Oct-12 08:40:26

socharlotte wtf?!

The OP has very sensitively described why she is going through a tough time and how that is compounded by her friends seemingly moving on - do you feel bigger and better for having put the boot it?!

Proudnscary Sat 13-Oct-12 08:41:08

socharlotte - weird post. People are allowed to have groups of friends you know without alienated others or being cliquey.

OP - I have a big group of friends and one couple are less likely to be invited along to things (not everything - but say where there is a number limit) but there is a reason. The husband is a total twat! It's not really something we can say though is it?

Also there are occassions where dh and I simply only want to see certain friends and not others for no reason at all - maybe others feel left out but if so, then, yes they need to grow up. We are all adults and can do what we like - so long as no-one is being unpleasant or malicious.

I'm going to be blunt - is there anything that could be putting them off you or h? It sounds unusual that you are the only couple from this original group that is no longer invited to things.

I do agree you sound very nice, and I am so sorry about your dad, and I appreciate you are very hurt by this. I believe it doesn't hurt to be brutally honest with yourself.

Proudnscary Sat 13-Oct-12 08:41:51

alienating not alienated

And X post with nil and sara

SaraBellumHertz Sat 13-Oct-12 08:44:01

Nilby sorry distracted there.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Reading between the lines I'd suggest you are perhaps a little depressed, entirely understandably in the circumstances, and your friends because of their own weaknesses find you difficult to be around. I really mean that as no criticism of you and very much as one of them but some people just don't handle the lulls as

cerealqueen Sat 13-Oct-12 08:45:01

It wasn't a clique, they were her friends! Bit harsh socharotte!

gettingeasier Sat 13-Oct-12 08:49:02

I can see where you are coming from but I dont understand why you would consider asking these new people empire building ?

When I was building my friendship group I decided to go out on a limb and out of my comfort zone , inviting Mums I didnt know for coffee on the basis that they looked my sort of people. Some declined , some didnt work out and a few became life long friends

Different situation I know but my point is if this is making you unhappy do something about it dont sit on the sidelines making assumptions these new people dont like you and your DH.

mutny Sat 13-Oct-12 08:49:11

I cannot however invite this other group as I think that ship has sailed and it would look too calculated/empire building.

I would suggest inviting them. By not doing it looks calculated and is making the divide bigger.

mutny Sat 13-Oct-12 08:49:52

I don't get socharotte comment.

Proudnscary Sat 13-Oct-12 08:54:59

Gettingeasier - but maybe they don't like her or her h. Don't we all have people we grow out of or find hard work or just don't want to see as much as others?

I think OP sounds lovely but words on a screen and all that. I tend to look to myself first and be brutally honest then always conclude I am fabulous and the problem lies elsewhere.

gettingeasier Sat 13-Oct-12 08:58:24

Maybe they dont but until she asks them over or tries to arrange something then how will she know ?

nilbyname Sat 13-Oct-12 08:58:45

Thanks for your comments, I appreciate them proud I get what you are saying completely and I think that I do have to take it on the chin a bit and realise that I cannot be part of everything!

Maybe I will invite these new people to do something, it is my birthday soon and would be going to the pub, so I might say to them to come along for a drink?

I just think it would look a bit desperate, the invites seem to be coming from their end and I am not included. I can hand on heart say me and DH are nice people, we are funny drunks, generous with our time and money, like being silly. I mean that is why we are all mates in the 1st place.

I am a bit less fun. I do feel sad. I think with my dad being ill I probably need to be more explicit in what I need from them...we are all busy (work, kids, social lives) so I know there is not always time to think. "Oh nil by, I wonder how her dad is??"

Proudnscary Sat 13-Oct-12 09:01:44

Yes getting I agree with you.

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