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to still send DD to see her dad?

(58 Posts)
CharleeWarlee Fri 12-Oct-12 09:15:51

DD (4) goes to her dads for the weekend. He picks her up on a Friday after school and bring her back Sunday evenings.

However, for the last 4 weeks I have had tears every Friday morning saying she doesnt want to go to her Dads, she doesnt like it there, he always shouts at her and she will miss me too much.

I must add that when me and her dad split up 2 years ago she hated coming home to me, would put the waterworks on while her dad dropped her off but would be fine as soon as the door was shut and her dad had gone.

I feel so bad sending her to school knowing that she doesnt want to go.
I spoke to her teacher this morning to ask if she was ok when her dad picked her up (thinking maybe she just played the waterworks to me and was fine when her dad picked her up) and explained that I'd had tantrums every morning because of her not wanting to go. The teacher has said that she cries at the end of the day when she sees its her dad picking her up sad

I feel that if she makes the decision not to want to go to her dads then I should listen to this and speak to her dad about it? (she is more of a 7 year old than a 4 year old - very grown up for her age mentally)

Ijust want to know what you think?

dietstartsmonday Fri 12-Oct-12 09:29:26

I think she is too young to be making the decision tbh. Mine are coming up for 14 and really only just starting to choose.

I think you need to talk to her dad, see what she is like with him and mention the shouting and see what he has to say.

MrsKeithRichards Fri 12-Oct-12 09:33:01

Has she said why she doesn't want to go?

QuintessentialShadows Fri 12-Oct-12 09:34:55

Can you do every second weekend? I bet she misses having some quality time with you too over the weekend!

N0tinmylife Fri 12-Oct-12 09:39:01

Unless you believe her Dad is being abusive, or doing her harm in some way, I think she is far too young to make a decision like that.

Has she just started school? I wonder if this could be a reaction to the fact she is now not getting to see as much of you, if she is away every weekend? Maybe it would be an idea to re evaluate how her time is split, so it is a bit more even, eg, her Dad have her during the week at some point and you have every other weekend?

boredandrestless Fri 12-Oct-12 09:40:07

Has she recently just started school? Or was she in day care full time anyway? Am just wondering if she is recently getting less time at home and is missing it/you. Last 4 weeks seems to tie in with term time starting??? Perhaps if this is the case you both need to sit down and look again at contact times, taking into account she is at full time school now (?). I think most dcs with separated parents do every other weekend and a midweek. My DS goes to his dad's 2 nights a week spread evenly apart.

It's really good that your ex supported you previously and brought your DD home despite her tears. It's hard for kids at times and you both need to support her together.

boredandrestless Fri 12-Oct-12 09:40:41

N0tinmylife - x posts! Great minds eh. smile

CharleeWarlee Fri 12-Oct-12 09:40:45

Well I split with her dad because he was become verbally aggressive towards me. He used to shout at her when we were together which made me angry and upset. Hes smacked her a few times - on the bum - but has left marks as he doesnt seem to know his own strength and is very heavy handed.

Last weekend DD came home on Sunday as usual, said she hadnt had a bath and she had only stayed at her dads for 1 night. She had stayed at her dads new girlfriends mums house for the other night on her own.

I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and talk to her dad about it (even though I know exactly what the outcome will be and he'll just end up getting in my face shouting at me)

CharleeWarlee Fri 12-Oct-12 09:44:34

She was in full time nursery before starting school too. So the arrangement has been the same for well over a year.

cheekydevil Fri 12-Oct-12 09:45:47

I am not in your position but I wouldn't be sending my DD anywhere that she was that distressed about.
I would feel awful. You know yourself already that he is abusive. Why would you expose her to it?
I think his access to her should be more supervised.

fluffyraggies Fri 12-Oct-12 09:46:20

Wow i wouldn't have my DD being passed on to the GFs mum! If he wants to spend time with her then why is he having a virtual stranger baby sit her???!!!

Cross for you! angry

CharleeWarlee Fri 12-Oct-12 09:51:43

There is lots of things and reasons why I would prefer her to be at home personally, but I believe that every dad has a right to see their biological child - so this is where im caught up sad its just making it a bit more harder now that DD is telling me herself she doesnt want to go

fluffy I am very cross about this also as last christmas me and my new partner (had been with him a year by this point) had arranged to go to his mums for christmas day night and stay over until boxing morning - DDs dad didnt like this even though I would be there so we made different arrangements and she stayed with him angry

I know his new girlfriend as was friends with her before they got together but dont know anything about her family.

diddlediddledumpling Fri 12-Oct-12 09:53:46

I agreed she was too young to decide until your last post. He smacks her and leaves marks, leaves her overnight with someone I assume you've never met and he shouts at her. Also sounds like you still find him intimidating and although it will take courage on your part, I'd be having a conversation to say if he doesn't change his approach, then you'll be changing arrangements. Sounds like she's unhappy and she's trying to let people (you and teacher) know.

boredandrestless Fri 12-Oct-12 09:54:10

He's smacked her so hard he has left marks!?! shock If my ex did this he'd be seeing his child in a contact centre, or not at all.

Your further posts have changed my mind - no bloody wonder she doesn't want to go! sad If you think he will get up in you face shouting then don't give him that opportunity. Call or email him. Can you pick your DD up from school slightly early today as a one off?

Are your contact arrangements formal ones, or have they just been worked out between yourselves?

diddlediddledumpling Fri 12-Oct-12 09:55:56

Yes every dad has a right to see their child, but that doesn't trump the child's right to feel safe and be properly l

Alligatorpie Fri 12-Oct-12 09:55:57

I second trying for alternate weekends. Plus, if she is going to gf's mum's, she might as well come home.

diddlediddledumpling Fri 12-Oct-12 09:57:25

Properly looked after. Your daughter's rights come first. He sounds like a bully and has probably made you doubt yourself when you've had concerns, but trust your instincts.

cheekydevil Fri 12-Oct-12 09:58:33

That is what I was trying to say bored.
There are so many posters on here from women that were having horrible experiences as a child and no-one believed/helped them.
He should by all means see her but through a contact centre as bored said.
You divorced him to get yourself away from him, she doesn't seem to have a choice?

fluffyraggies Fri 12-Oct-12 09:58:42

Maybe suggest every other weekend charlee?

Sad to say this - but it may work in your (and your DDs) favour - if he has a new GF right then now might be a good time to instigate this as a new routine. He may be quite keen about the idea.

Every other weekend might make him treat the occasion of having his DD as a little more special, as he isn't seeing her so often, and may make her happier as she is getting more time with you in her own home too?

I'd be bloody livid if my XH dumped one of our kids at someone else's at the weekend.

(not that my XH shows much interest in having his kids over anyway!)

crackcrackcrak Fri 12-Oct-12 09:58:44

You are not over reacting. Dd has reacted like this consistently about young to her dads. Either something is up or she is having trouble coping. Given the choice (which I would love to have in my sit) I would try and talk to dad calmly about this and say something like 'dd is struggling, can we discuss this so I can help support the contact?' As with my dd it might be something which can be adjusted to make her more comfortable there - I think you have to rule that out first but the account from the teacher is a bit telling.
Though she is only 4 you might be able to acertain from her whether its the night time that's a problem or the whole period. If its nights I would suggest to dad that its dropped down to either just day time or just the sat night do she can come home to you on Fridays for a while.

Hippymum89 Fri 12-Oct-12 10:02:02

Don't send her. I couldn't do that to my DD, no way. And when do you actually spend quality time with her?
Howabout he has her for tea 2 or 3 nights a week and one day every othe weekend?
Plus if you know he's hit her, you can't leave him with her unsupervised IMO...

olgaga Fri 12-Oct-12 10:02:22

Being in school full time is a lot different to nursery! Mine was absolutely wiped out by the end of the week. It sounds like it would be fairer to her to do every other weekend with her dad. Everyone needs some "down time" at home. It doesn't sound as though she's getting that.

It's her right to have a continuing relationship with her dad, and you are doing well to facilitate that - but her welfare comes first!

I would be really concerned at the fact she is crying at school because she doesn't want to go with her dad. That shows very clearly that her "waterworks", as you put it, aren't put on for your benefit. They are a sign of real distress.

And I would be deeply unhappy that he was using babysitters during his contact time with her.

She sounds exhausted and fed up.

Hippymum89 Fri 12-Oct-12 10:03:24

I second the contact centre. She is the most important person in all of this

CharleeWarlee Fri 12-Oct-12 10:03:48

We worked them out between ourselves.

I know she loves her dad, and he is a good father (to a certain point)

Still pulling my hair out! I know shes best off at home with me where she is safe and I can be sure shes happy, but as i said before every father should be able to see their children. I dont want to look like the bad person for confronting him and saying that DD wont be going and explaining the reasons for my decision.

Maybe if I see how this weekend goes and ask him to have a world whilst DD is there on Sunday when he brings her back?

ScrambledSmegsEvilTwin Fri 12-Oct-12 10:11:58

Actually it's the other way round, OP. Your DD has the right to contact with her father. Your ex has responsibilities towards her, not 'rights'.

Your DD sounds very unhappy. I think her rights to a good relationship with her father mean that you should step in and maybe formalise contact to something that suits her better, eg at a contact centre, at least for a little while.

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