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To be unsure if I was assaulted by BIL?

(108 Posts)
ShavingPrimateRyan Thu 11-Oct-12 19:11:22

A few weeks ago we went to my DH's brother's engagement party. It was at PILs house, we didn't have the kids so I was drunk (but not majorly so), pretty much everyone was.

I went to the toilet but pil don't have a lock on the upstairs bathroom. When I was washing my hands BIL came in and put his arms around me from behind, I thought it was a bit weird but he was doing it in a friendly way iyswim. When I tried to shrug him off he put his hands up my dress and down my leggings and started to grope me. I pushed him away and went downstairs but he kept trying to grab at me as I was leaving the bathroom.

The next day he text me saying that it was better off we forgot what happened and there was no point telling our other halfs. The thing is DH is really close with his brother and I don't know what to do because I feel I've left it too long to tell him now.
BIL and his fiancé are getting married abroad and DH keeps saying that we should book flights and tickets soon but I feel so awkward about the situation...I really don't want to spend time on holiday pretending everything is alright. sad

AlmostAHipster Thu 11-Oct-12 19:14:57

Well, you were assaulted and if I were you, I'd not be going to this twonk's wedding and would be telling my DH exactly why.

Proudnscary Thu 11-Oct-12 19:15:49

Shit. What a situation. And asbolutely horrible for you - him groping you like that. What an absolute creep.

I think if he'd 'just' tried to kiss you are said something inappropriate I might let it go. But I think in this case I could not keep it from my dh.

Is BIL known as a womaniser/groper/sex pest/unfaithful kind of man - what has your dh told him about his single days?

monkeysbignuts Thu 11-Oct-12 19:17:27

oh my goodness yes he totally over stepped the mark! I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable and you have nothing to hide. What gain would you get from telling your dh though?
Maybe have a word with bil and set it straight then forget about it? You have done nothing wrong at all so don't feel bad.

quoteunquote Thu 11-Oct-12 19:18:30

What are you unsure about?

Was there a reason why your BiL thought you wanted that kind of attention?

Because if out of the blue he put his hands on you and that was unwanted and he didn't stop when asked, of course it is assault.

Just be honest with your husband, that the point of a relationship.

lisad123 Thu 11-Oct-12 19:20:29

I would tell your dh. Sorry this has happened to you

CailinDana Thu 11-Oct-12 19:20:42

Yes, you were assaulted. What an utter prick your BIL is.

Just to say, it's absolutely irrelevant that you were drinking, there is no need to even mention it. Even if you were off your face on drugs and were stark naked there's no way your BIL should have done that you.

Do you think you could face telling your DH? I know it's a horrible awkward situation but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and there's no way you should feel pushed into going on holiday with someone who assaulted you in such a nasty way.

chipsandmushypeas Thu 11-Oct-12 19:20:42

I would tell you dh.

EdgarAllanPond Thu 11-Oct-12 19:21:04

yes he assaulted you, please tell your husband.

CailinDana Thu 11-Oct-12 19:22:20

Monkey, I am really surprised that you are telling the OP to forget about it. Would you tell someone who had been mugged to "forget about it?"

honeytea Thu 11-Oct-12 19:23:23

What a horrid thing to happen, poor you having to have that experience.

I'd have to tell my DP, in a way by keeping it a secret it allmost feels like you would be taking responsibility for BIL's vile actions.

It makes me so cross on your behalf what he said it was better off we forgot what happened and there was no point telling our other halfs it sounds like he is trying to make you feel like you were in the wrong as well as him.

The least BIL should have done was say sorry in the text, if he had said something like "I am so sorry about last night I was out of order and I am ashamed of myself. I would appreciate it if you didn't mention it to DP and mrs-BIL but I understand if you feel you can't keep it a secret. Sorry again, I can assure you nothing like that will ever happen again"

monkeysbignuts Thu 11-Oct-12 19:24:00

I just don't know what it would gain by telling her dh & causing a shit storm.
If someone was mugged of course I would say forget it, I was just trying to be helpful because it will cause problems for the op

Adversecamber Thu 11-Oct-12 19:24:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger Thu 11-Oct-12 19:25:06

he's a creep on 3 counts - forcing unwanted attention on a woman, betraying the trust of his fiance, betraying the trust of his brother

he was well out of order - if he had apologised for his drunken behaviour thats one thing, he hoped you would go for it AT HIS OWN ENGAGEMENT PARTY, but you didn't fall for his charms and now he is shit scared you will grass him up.

what a vile man

ShavingPrimateRyan Thu 11-Oct-12 19:25:21

I feel like I've been unfaithful to my husband sad. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do. When BIL said that we shouldnt mention it, it made me feel like I was somehow culpable for what happened as well.

CailinDana Thu 11-Oct-12 19:27:19

That's what he wanted of course Shaving. He's depending on your sense of shame and responsibility to keep you quiet.

What do you think your DH's reaction would be if you told him?

honeytea Thu 11-Oct-12 19:27:52

You have in no way been unfaithful, I think the way he worded the text is manipulative and he did that to try to make you feel ashamed so you don't say anything.

phantomnamechanger Thu 11-Oct-12 19:28:36

You were NOT to blame at all, but I think BIL would probably try to say you were happy to go along with a bit of a snog/grope, or even that YOU started it, if you tell everyone.

Teapot13 Thu 11-Oct-12 19:30:14

Your most recent post is exactly why you need to tell your husband. It may cause a shitstorm but I would worry that your DH will find out another way, which will make it worse, or your BIL will try it again.

purplehouse Thu 11-Oct-12 19:31:01

You need to tell your husband as a priority. Then you can think about whether and how to tell your future SIL. She has the most to lose - marrying a twat like that - presumably if you had returned the advances of your BIL, he would have happily had sex with you. He clearly has no respect for women in general anyway and is trying it on with other women before he's even married.

It's pretty obvious that it was sexual assault. You were all pissed so I would excuse something like a drunken slap on the (clothed) bum in front of other people. But you were in private, he lifted your dress and presumably moved the waistband of your leggings - there was no drunken pissing about here, he went inside your clothes and continued after being told to stop.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 11-Oct-12 19:31:10

I'd tell DH because there's every chance he'd try again. What if he managed to overpower OP and keep her in the bathroom as she was trying to leave?

I'd tell DH because I'd want to stay well say from this man & I'd want my DH to know why.

You did nothing wrong lovely, you were assaulted. He wants you to believe it was consensual.

purplehouse Thu 11-Oct-12 19:32:14

Just read your latest post - he's trying to make you think you were complicit. Don't fall for it - tell your husband absolutely everything.

GoingToBedfordshire Thu 11-Oct-12 19:33:24

Talk to your DH. I am sorry to hear this happened to you. Your BIL is a complete arsehole who needs to take responsibility for his actions. Courage.

Soditall Thu 11-Oct-12 19:34:29

I had similar happen to me when I was 16sad it was my then BF's best friend please don't feel guilty you have done nothing wrong.

The sicko that did to me also said we shouldn't tell our partners he was going out with my Best Friend and she was living with me at the time.

Tell your DH he won't blame you,tell him exactly what you've told us.

I was terrified and didn't know what to do but ended up blurting it out to my then BF and he believed me.I know friends may seem different to relatives but these guys were in the army so relied on each other and treated each other as family.

Believe me the sooner you speak to your husband the better there is no way you should be carrying this on your own.

Your BIL has forced your hand by doing this you have nothing to feel guilty over I promise.

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