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Would I be unreasonable to speak to the boys mother, and if so at what point?

(16 Posts)
itwasallyellow Thu 11-Oct-12 18:30:31

I'm sure this is a no go but right now I'm not a happy bunny.

Ds first week of reception tells me another boy has been pulling his ears and smacking him underneath the chin. Didn't want to read too much into it but mentioned it to the teacher. Her response was he was probably just being playful, they don't sit on the matt together anyway, but that she'd keep and eye on it. She also said that it was probably playful but she could see why it would bother ds (personal space). Wasn't really sure that was the right response.

Second week ds tells me the same boy is elbowing him in his side. I didn't go to the teacher again as thought I'd see how it went.

Third week boy excludes ds from a game in the playground before school, the mother sort of told him off. Again I didn't take much notice kids will be kids.

Today ds comes out of after school club very quite and not his usual self, tells me the same boy has punched him in the eye. Then got out of him that the boy also slapped him over the head yesterday.

I tried to ring school but teacher had gone home. I will speak to her in the morning and I'm now going to keep a diary of incidents. Don't know why but I'm sort of bracing myself for being fobbed off. I kind of want to go up to the mother and say 'what's up with your kid and hitting' but know I can't.

Would it be unreasonable to speak to the mother at any point? Would it be unreasonable to be firm with the teacher in a 'stop this or I'll go over you head' kind of way?

itwasallyellow Thu 11-Oct-12 18:31:58

Quiet and off sorry rush typed that.

ChaosTrulyReigns Thu 11-Oct-12 18:34:55

There us no benefit at all speaking to the other parent, please just let the teachers deal with it.

Continue to keep a log though just to keep an eye on it.


WorraLiberty Thu 11-Oct-12 18:36:13

Sorry this is happening.

But I think the teacher's response to your first complaint was definitely the correct one.

However, as it's still happening you should definitely speak to her again and the diary is a great idea.

There's always two sides to every story and the other mother might be getting similar complaints from her no I wouldn't approach her about it.

Boardiegirl Thu 11-Oct-12 18:37:00

Any gd teacher wil take yor concerns seriously cos she wil want her pupils to be happy at scwl. Go back to the teachr and tel her its becoming a real issue.

itwasallyellow Thu 11-Oct-12 18:37:05

Also how seriously do you take this sort of stuff, I'm new to all this, pfb in reception. Right now I'm really mad but don't know if these sort of incidents are the norm? I don't remember being punched at school, but then those were the days when my dad told me to hit the other kid back. miss those days

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 11-Oct-12 18:37:15

Don't go to the mother, do it all through the school. Emphasise how unhappy it's making your ds, and be firm. At this stage, I wouldn't go to the head, just the teacher and if you can, talk to the TA too. Ask the teacher in a subtle way if she thinks it would help the situation if you spoke to the head. she will say no, but it will make her aware that you are taking this seriously. Ask the TA if she has seen anything going on, but don't pressure her. She will take it back to the teacher, and the teacher will get the message loud and clear that you are keeping an eye on this and you won't let it drop until she makes it stop.

Don't be too pushy with the teacher, from years of dealing with teachers I have found the best way is by being nice and making them like you, not making them dread the days that you ask for chats.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 11-Oct-12 18:38:48

Scwl? Scwl??

Sorry, I'm not a fan of text speak at the best of times, and I try not to pick on the way people write things, but that is just taking it too far!

GwendolineScaryLacey Thu 11-Oct-12 18:41:23

I've been on the receiving end of my reception child's friend's mother this week because DD1 apparently isn't playing with her DD, nothing like what you're reporting. I feel bullied, patronised and very very upset by the way she's approached me so I'd suggest that going through the teacher is the best way.

I've spent most of the day in tears because of this woman (who I actually thought was on the way to being a friend). And all DD1 has said is that she does play with the girl and there is no problem between them. So it achieved nothing.

itwasallyellow Thu 11-Oct-12 18:42:27

Thanks for replies, freddos that's kind of along the lines that I was thinking too, I know deep down that I can't speak to the mother, and that I have to be very nice with the teacher but something about hearing ds unhappy or thinking he might be having a hard time at school takes all the sanity and rationale out of me me.

Going to have tea will be back to read replies. Any advice and points welcome as I'm new to all this teacher/parent/playground etiquette.

freemanbatch Thu 11-Oct-12 18:43:06

I had a parent approach me in the street saying my daughter had thumped her daughter, she was loud and aggressive about it but I told her that if that was the case I would deal with my daughter but I would be speaking to the teacher about it first. It turned out that the other child had in the teachers words been 'picking on' my daughter all day and eventually she had pushed her away. The teacher was sure that there was no punch and that the other child was at least equally involved in what happened. I apologised to the other parent for my daughters behaviour the next day before the teacher spoke to her about what had actually happened. She didn't come to apologise to me after she knew the facts and is still off with me which can make things uncomfortable.

If you think the teacher will fob you off then write it down and take it over the teachers head but don't make your own life more difficult by coming into direct conflict with another parent. smile

LadyDianaSpencer Thu 11-Oct-12 18:46:56

I would find the other boys behaviour totally unacceptable and would expect the teacher to take it seriously. Absolutey ask the teacher (in a nice way) if it would be worth speaking to the head.

BupcakesAndHaunting Thu 11-Oct-12 18:51:03

I remember this all too well because DS had a similar thing going on when he was in reception last year.

It all reached a head when he came out looking like he was about to cry and I noticed scratch marks all down his neck/chest. I stormed back in and had a proper benny. It was about the third time I'd been in so I threatened the teacher and told her that I would go straight to the head next time my boy came out with marks on his body. Nothing else happened after that and strangely, the boy was taken for behavioural therapy by his mum. He was doing it to a lot of boys in DS's class so there was obviously an issue.

Go in and be polite but FIRM. Do not let them fuck you about.

Good luck thanks

I've been having a similar issue with my DS. The little shit child in question is well known for bad behavior, and has recently been really targeting DS (it's been going on since reception, he's picked on various kids, but now they're in Yr2 he stepped it up with my DS). I wrote to the teacher, kept it factual and didn't sling allegations around, and got a written reply from said teacher explaining the actions they would be taking. Suggest making sure you put things in writing, that way if nothing does get done you have a record of what you have said and when, and can take it higher. Good luck!

I also shouted at said child in the playground when I caught him going for my DS right in front of me, but I don't recommend that course of action (though it scared the shit out of him, and he didn't turn round and smirk at me, I can tell you grin).

SofaKing Thu 11-Oct-12 19:03:57

I'm surprised at the teachers attitude. My ds1 started school this year and was in trouble with the teacher for waving round scissors (I have not let my pfb use scissors so all my fault), but she also gave him into trouble for not respecting the personal space of others and warned him that it could cost him friends. Your ds's teachers seems to be ignoring similar behaviour so I would be polite but insistent she dealt with this immediately, and if not go to the head.

RedHelenB Thu 11-Oct-12 19:37:31

Encourage your son to tell an adult each time it occurs. If the staff don;t see it or know about it then they can't act.

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