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To think this is shoddy behaviour from a friend?

(34 Posts)
IcouldstillbeJoseph Wed 10-Oct-12 19:58:59

I am 22 wks preg. I am recovering from a rather nasty bout of pneumonia (week in hospital - lucky to still be pregnant etc). One of my friends has not contacted me AT ALL since I was admitted to hospital. I have been out about 6 weeks now.

She bumped into my DH (we live quite close) and said "yeah I'm just letting her get on with it, I'll see her when she's better"

I saw her today for coffee. She mentioned another friend of hers who's toddler DD is just out of hospital with meningitis. She said a similar thing to me about her "I'll just get in touch when everything's better"

AIBU to think this is a bit shoddy? Surely times of illness/crisis are times when you need the support of your friends the most? I'm not expecting a large bouquet of flowers and a card but a bloody text would have been nice!

Just to point out she considers herself such a good friend she has asked me to be her bridesmaid next yr.....

HumphreyCobbler Wed 10-Oct-12 20:00:02

perhaps she has a phobia of illness? I agree it isn't the way to treat friends.

pictish Wed 10-Oct-12 20:00:41

Maybe she doesn't want to impose during a stressful time?

thebitchdoctor Wed 10-Oct-12 20:00:43

I agree it's a bit shoddy. My exBF is like that and I now no longer talk to her because she 'left me to get on with it' after my mum died.

IcouldstillbeJoseph Wed 10-Oct-12 20:01:41

It's not imposing to text offering support though?

pictish Wed 10-Oct-12 20:02:31

No, that's true.

Maybe she just doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Wed 10-Oct-12 20:03:55

Sounds like she doesn't know what to say and do in those types of situations, so avoids them altogether.

If your baby was in danger and your other friends child was very poorly, can be difficult to know what to say and do.

I do however, completely agree that's not any kind of an excuse for not getting in touch at all. Yanbu.

Glad you're better hope you enjoy he rest of your pg.

rosyposyandc Wed 10-Oct-12 20:04:41

It is shoddy and I have had similar experiences with one friend as well. I think so much less of her now

GoSakuramachi Wed 10-Oct-12 20:06:42

Maybe if she was in those situations she's prefer to be alone to get on with it and assumes other people think the same.
Thats no worse than you assuming your way is the only way to behave.

LouMacca Wed 10-Oct-12 20:09:12

YANBU. I was rushed into hosp last year and spent 10 days in there (inc. surgery)

I was overwhelmed with the amount of texts, cards, gifts and offers of help with the DC's that I received - that's what friends do! Your friend sounds a bit odd tbh - is her head filled with wedding plans??

IcouldstillbeJoseph Wed 10-Oct-12 20:10:09

I could buy that but she's always calling on me in times of mini crisis!

youarewinning Wed 10-Oct-12 20:10:46

ah my message dissapearded!

YANBU. She could have text to say she is there when you need her and/or can help with XYZ. There's not encroaching and theres not making an effort.

IvorHughJackolantern Wed 10-Oct-12 20:11:42

YANBU, I've seen my 'best' friend three times since DS was born 18 months ago. She 'doesn't like children'. In that time DS has been seriously ill in hospital once, I've had 2 lots of surgery and am waiting for a third, DHs (she was 'friends' with him too) mum has been seriously, seriously ill and died last week. Not a dickie bird have we heard. And she knows all of this because other friends keep her updated. Some people are worthless cunts when you get right down to it. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, btw.

Jux Wed 10-Oct-12 20:13:33

Some people simply can't cope with illness, and particularly hospital.

What did you say to her when she told you she would wait for her other friend's life to get better before she bothered? That would give you an insight into whether she's a seriously fair-weather friend, or whether she might have an issue of some sort.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname Wed 10-Oct-12 20:13:51

Shoddy. I would make a point of being a lot less available to help with her 'mini crises' from now on.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname Wed 10-Oct-12 20:14:58

No issues with hospital, illness or whatever would stop friend sending a text or card. As I said, shoddy.

piratecat Wed 10-Oct-12 20:15:11

bizarre behaviour. even if you don't 'do' illness or have a fear of hospitals, you would surely send a greeting.

OneNiceGreenLeaf Wed 10-Oct-12 20:16:35

I'm constantly surprised at just how crap some people can be.

I've got a "good" friend who has been completely rubbish during the few times of serious crisis in my life. Doesn't get in touch or offer any support. I'm still friends with her but I do get pang of anger when I dwell on how little love she showed me when I really needed it.

Boomerwang Wed 10-Oct-12 20:17:26

Is she generally awkward about other people's lives? If you have another example of what you believe is shoddy behaviour from her then I'd swing one way or the other but right now I'm inclined to think she's just not a naturally supportive person and might not be aware of how she's coming across. Would you say she was more of an acquaintance than a close friend? Obviously you've pointed out that she's asked you to be a bridesmaid but perhaps that's a surface level friendship thing to her.

I was always paranoid that I was being intrusive or imposing on my friends (when I had them) and that would be down to my mother and father bringing me up to believe that other families might prefer to keep things close and personal. They wouldn't even visit my dying fiance in hospital because they were afraid that his parents might think it was inappropriate.

TheLightPassenger Wed 10-Oct-12 20:19:17

I think it's worth digging a bit deeper as to why she does it, just in case there's some reason that isn't pure selfishness, as it would be appear to be on the surface.

IcouldstillbeJoseph Wed 10-Oct-12 20:19:55

Jux - I'm ashamed to say I didn't really say anything. I just said 'oh' and she carried on talking.

TheLightPassenger Wed 10-Oct-12 20:19:58

I think it's worth digging a bit deeper as to why she does it, just in case there's some reason that isn't pure selfishness, as it would be appear to be on the surface.

purplehouse Wed 10-Oct-12 20:20:53

Possibly a question of friends (incorrect) upbringing

IcouldstillbeJoseph Wed 10-Oct-12 20:23:17

Boomer - tbh I was completely astounded she asked me to be bridesmaid. Our friendship, as far as I was concerned, was based mainly around our DC being v close in age and us living within walking distance. I don't really feel that close to her and can't rely on her - even more so now! I'm not too hurt by her behaviour, I have better friends, just wondered whether I was bu.

MrsDeVere Wed 10-Oct-12 20:27:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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