to wonder how you can truly hate someone through a third party?(37 Posts)
(Hope thread title makes sense...tired brain.)
Is it actually possible to truly hate someone when you have never met them, spoken to them, or contacted them in any way/shape or form or vice versa, and if the only contact you have ever had of them is by seeing a photograph of them?
If the person you hate has never done you a wrong, nor your children, or your partner, nor your animals, or any member of your family?
Is it possible to truly hate someone who you only hate because of the way that this person treated your friend, when said friend has long ago moved on and no longer even mentions the perpetrator of your hatred?
Should friends harbour hatred for someone they have never had direct contact with, for longer than the victim of the abuse?
I honestly don't know.
Depends on what the abuse was and it's seriousness I think. If friend had just had a minor disagreement with the person, then I would be more neutral about things. If the abuse was major, i couldn't let it go.
I hate my friends ex. I only met him once and he was perfectly nice. Behind closed doors, on the other hand... I hate what he did to her. However, she left him years ago so I don't think about it much. Holding onto it seems strange.
Of course it's possible, I presume it's true of the person you're talking about?
Whatever's going on in their head is obviously very real to them.
The hatred you talk of might have cooled off for me after a while to just keeping my distance, but like BlueSky says, it depends on what the abuse was.
If the abuse was a long time ago and the friend has moved on, it does sound a bit unusual for it to be burning still for the person.
In what ways does the hatred come out? (if the OP's not talking about you littlemiss, I mean how do you know about it?)
Yes, I think it's possible. In some ways I think it's easier. Most people have some redeeming qualities, but if you never meet them, you never have to take that into account IYSWIM.
I asked because I have a friend who totally hates my xp. She has never met him, nor spoken to him.
I split from xp almost 4 years ago, and met this friend about 2 years ago, so their paths have never crossed.
Friend asked me about xp a few months after we became friendly, and I explained we had split when DD was 6 months old. She asked why, I briefly explained that I couldn't live with his behaviour, lying, stealing, not holding a job down for long.
Friend asked me what his good points were.
Hmm, cleaning, housework, childcare, made me laugh, enjoyed his company mostly, but that's not enough to make a relationship work if you don't trust the other person.
Since then, friend has brought my xp into virtually every conversation where she talks about her partner, to compare them, obviously unfavourably towards my xp. Even if we are in the company of other friends, she will always compare unfavourably towards my xp, never anyone else's partners/husbands.
Our other mutual friends are all still together.
She will quite openly say that her partner does nothing around the house, is lazy, mean spirited etc etc but then always goes on to say "but at least he doesn't lie/steal etc like your xp did".
I cannot complain about anyone with the same name as my xp to her, (let's call xp Bob) because she will always always say "Just like Bob the twat then, maybe all Bob's are twats, because your xp Bob is a twat!"
I haven't brought xp up in a conversation for at least a year now, and brush off her questions about when he last saw DD, when he last paid towards DD etc, because she makes these comments, but it's getting worse!!
I wouldn't criticise her
waste of space partner, because tbh, it would feel rude to do so, like I am criticising her choice IYSWIM, and since her partner has done nothing to me or my family, I don't harbour any hatred towards him, I feel disappointed that my friend can't see she is worth more, but not hatred.
The other thing
which I have repeatedly said is that I am not with xp anymore, so there is no comparison to be made AFAIC. xp is the past.
Yet she still feels so bitter towards my xp.
She has now started saying things in front of DD, like 'I would hate to be related, even distantly to someone called
insert xp's surname . I can't think of anything worse!!'
She literally spits the words at you, and DD is listening.
I replied "Well, DD is related to a
insert xp's surname and she seems quite happy. It's not the worst thing in the world you know, to be related to someone you dislike."
She replied "I don't dislike him, I hate his guts, he makes my skin crawl, and I will never understand what you saw in him...EVER!!"
I walked away.
Ironically, most of our mutual friends claim to dislike/hate her partner, yet they would not say anything to friend, because what is the point?
I don't know, it just feels wrong to me for her to hate my xp so much. I have moved on, and can honestly say I don't think of xp, until he calls me.
I have let it go, so why can't my friend?
Strangely enough, when I used to answer her questions about xp, she would listen to my tales of woe and then literally piss herself laughing.
I put that down to her not knowing what to say.
It's absolutely possible.
I hate my friends abusive ex for the shell of a woman he's turned her into.
I've never met him never want to because I feel I'd suddenly find a violent streak I never knew I had if I did.
Gonna play amateur psychologist here... I think she is having real trouble with her DH and playing up on your Xs behaviour to excuse hers in her head, IYSWIM?
Or shes a complete fruit loop.
Geeklover I understand it must be terrible to see your friend as a shell of her former self, but I am more outgoing, sociable and happy now than I have ever been. I can't honestly say I was deeply unhappy for the most part when I was with xp, although friend didn't know me then.
Beyond I think you might have a point, I know she is unhappy with the way things are with her P, but she wont ever make the break from him
so she says because. . . . she tells me that the worst thing in the world to do to a child is to raise them in a single parent family!!
When she said that to me, I said "I think you are telling the wrong person tbh."
I am a single parent and have been for the majority of both of my DC's lives.
Obviously it's possible, because she does.
But I don't think it's right. A non affected person shouldn't be openly hating a person that the victim has forgiven, especially not in front of the victim.
BeyondLimits Exactly what I thought - it makes her feel better that however bad her partner is, at least he isn't as bad as your ex (in her head, anyway).
I would tell her that it's ancient history now, and you don't want her to mention his name again. I know you have mutual friends, but are you able to put some distance between you? It can't be good for your DD to hear her father bad mouthed so much.
If this doesn't work, next time she compares your exp to her DP, just say "Actually, they do share a lot of the same character traits. So glad I got out when I did so I don't have to put up with that any more." Repeat as necessary. It might make her think, or at least shut up.
She consistently brings up a painful and difficult episode in your life in front of mutual friends to make herself/her partner look better. Sounds like she can justify her own unhappy relationship by reminding everyone you were worse off.
Doesn't sound like she makes you happy or brings much to your life, why pursue the friendship? From what you say I wonder how much respect she had for you and your Dd to be honest.
agree completely with beyondlimits
she is using your xp as a reason to justify staying in her unhappy relationship
She does also sound a bit derranged? Is she generally normal?
its not on to slag of your dds dad in front of her-make that stop
infact if i were you, I would tell her to stop talking about him altogether
is she a good friend? do you like her? respect her>?
she tells me that the worst thing in the world to do to a child is to raise them in a single parent family
Does that answer your question to BaDaBing??? What an awful thing to say to a single mother. Seriously, ditch her - would you allow a partner to speak to you in such a disrespectful way? What do you get out of your friendship?
You have to stop her bad mouthing your xp in front of your dd.
She sounds disgusting tbh.
Is it sad she might be in a relationship that isn't great but she is responsible for that.
Not you or your dd.
It isn't your job to make her feel better but letting her belittle your life or your choices.
I'd be furious.
You need to pull her every time she speaks out of line again.
by not but
She doesn't sound like a friend at all OP
I have a really good friend, who would go to the ends of the earth to avoid becoming a single parent; she would tolerate a lot before she left her DH. For her being a single parent is not what she wants and she thinks it is really bad for the children...this is born of her own life experiences. I understand why she feels like this, I love her and respect her. She knows why I divorced my husband and am raising my kids as a single parent; she understands and she loves and respects me. We can be honest with each other and discuss without offending each other at all. She doesnt think less of me because I am a SP
I like having friends who are honest, I wouldnt want friends who arent honest/ have to tip-toe around my feelings. But this woman sounds completely disrespectful and insensitive to your feelings and your situation. She sounds like the kind of person who squashes other people to make herself feel better?
Your friend is just enjoying the scandal of your story. She doesn't 'hate' your XP, she gets a vicarious thrill out of hashing it up and expressing horror, probably so that she feels superior at the same time.
I admit I have distanced from her quite a lot. Partly due to being unable to see her much anymore, because her P doesn't like anyone round so if there's a chance he might be home/coming home, then she wont let anyone go round hers, and she is rarely allowed to my house because she has housework she could be doing to stop her P moaning that the house is a mess and not up to his standards, and partly because she no longer writes/receives emails (email account not used because she says she doesn't need it anymore and uses her P's although no one is allowed the email address apart from the school and her family, and she now no longer has a phone (she accidentally dropped the last one down the toilet.)
Therefore, I see her rarely, usually at drop off/pick up and it's then that DD is there and hears her vicious comments about xp
as well as any other parents in close vicinity
I thought she was fun and a nice person. I am changing my mind.
I think, from what you have written in your last post, that she is being abused by her DP;
he wont let her have anyone to the house
she is afraid (?) to disobey him?
he criticises her standard of housework
again she is afriad to not reach his standard, to the extent that she doesnt see friends?
he wont let her have her own email account, so all correspondance goes through his email account
he is controlling and alienating her from her friends
Abuse generally changes a fun and nice person...and can send them a bit loopy
My advise is to get her on her own, explain to her that you do not want her to talk about your XP, it is in the past and not something you want brought up at all, but especially infront of your dd...HOWEVER if she would like to discuss her DP, then you are more than happy to listen/support etc
ANd give her a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book
Agree with ithink
If you want this person around, it does sound like she needs support.
Up to you if you can help her but I would have ground rules wrt her attitude towards your XP.
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