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to wonder if there is ever a good enough reaspn to abandon a child after the breakdown of the relationship with the other biological parent?

(20 Posts)
SoleSource Mon 08-Oct-12 18:57:18

My ex (DS Father) beat me up once after twekve rocky years together. I took him to court in 2005. He gave up work and we get nothing from him in terms of financial support. He has not seen our Son for seven years.
Maybe it is his revenge or maybe I was harsh on him (as my Mother said I was for taking him to court) and he has not come back as he is scared of me?
How can he /people abandon their child/ren angry?

GhostofMammaTJ Mon 08-Oct-12 19:01:46

Your mother sounds a peach! How supportive of her. hmm

There is nothing that could justify this abandonment. His loss though. I am sure you make sure DS is ok without him.

SoleSource Mon 08-Oct-12 19:02:36

I mean for the biological parent to abandon of their own free will not be ause of them being a danger to the child or police/court have ordered it.

SoleSource Mon 08-Oct-12 19:04:06

I know ghost, had very little support, excrpt what looks ok on tbe outside/to others.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 08-Oct-12 19:08:24

sole there is never a good excuse but people who do it will claim its to protect there own emotional health and blame the other parent.

fwiw i dont think violent abusers should be able to come within 100 yards of there children as i do not belive that domestic violence is ever not a serious child protection issue and see far to much of child contact being used to further abuse the none violent parent- but then again i can be a cunt about that sort of thing

Narked Mon 08-Oct-12 19:08:35

With all due respect your mother's a muppet.

I don't know why people walk away. I suspect that it's because some people don't have the ability to form normal relationships with other people. They don't form that bond in the first place, so there's nothing for them to break when they leave.

Petsinmyputridpudenda Mon 08-Oct-12 19:13:13

My dad did, he left when I was 5 and I didn't see him for 7 years and then only sporadically.
My mother is a drunk with serious mental health issues and he genuinely belived she would hurt us to hurt him if he fought for us so he walked away.
She is a cruel woman and I think he made the right choice, he came back into our lives when we were were a bit older and the courts took our wishes into account.

Bit Extreame I know but he did what he thought was right

youarewinning Mon 08-Oct-12 19:16:21

There is never a good excuse but I bet my ex-p would disagree as he hasn't seen our DS for the same amount of time.

Admittedly it's not that easy but there is a distinct lack of effort. It's I'd simply like he can't be bothered which makes me question how a parent can't want to spend time/ even know all about their own child.

YANBU

catwomanlikesmeatballs Mon 08-Oct-12 19:25:59

Sounds like your son is better off without him. His disinterest means that he's not in a position to abuse your son. Don't mean to sound harsh or rude but is that not a relief? I would hate to have someone like that near my kid and would be terrified for their safety. As sad as it is that your son doesn't have a decent father, no father is better than an abusive one.

You can't be too harsh when dealing with a domestic abuser, the most important thing is to get the hell away from them, whatever is necessary. Your mother sounds like an idiot, please ignore her, you should be very proud of yourself for getting out of that situation.

SoleSource Mon 08-Oct-12 19:27:09

Sock yes I did have my reservations but he just stopled seeing him. Ex really changed petsonality after a while.

Narked I agree.

Pets, that is a good reason I guess.

Why are people in general such cunts sometimes sad

SoleSource Mon 08-Oct-12 19:28:15

Yes was a relief, but I have been thinking recently it is a WHOLE SEVEN YEARS!

catgirl1976 Mon 08-Oct-12 19:33:28

I don't know. DHs Dad left 3 children aged 7, 11 and 13 and never looked back. He is now missing out on 4 grandchildren.

It's be 33 years.

Sad all round.

I don't understand it but it happens sad

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 08-Oct-12 20:22:32

Sole this might not be what you want to hear but you and your DS are definitely better off without him. He beat you up. Would you really want him around your child?

That said, I can't understand why parents abandon their children. In a perfect world your ex would have sorted himself out, had anger management counselling or similar, and had contact with your child. Clearly the drive to be part of his child's life was/is missing. Also, it's not a perfect world, more's the pity.

My ex is the same as yours (but without the violence). He left me for someone else four months into a planned pregnancy, chose not to ever see DS and does all he can to avoid paying maintenance (including not responding to letters from CSA and leaving jobs on purpose so he doesn't have to pay). I struggle with how 'men' like him can just walk away from their child(ren) without so much as a backward glance. Doesn't he ever feel guilty? How can he possibly sleep at night? I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that some people are just selfish little shits.

Pictureperfect Mon 08-Oct-12 20:38:54

You set a good example to your son, in years to come he will know you can't treat women (or anyone) that way, I'm sure it took more bravery to take him to court than to let it pass.

I don't understand how any parent can either, I had a friend whose parents had a fight over who would have the children after their divorce, it's awful for kids to be involved in a tug of war but my poor friend (and I know she's not alone) case it was neither parent wanting her and trying to get the other to take on responsibility. I'm sure it contributed to her mental health problems, how could it?

carabos Mon 08-Oct-12 21:14:20

My XH has had no contact with our DS since we divorced more than 20years ago.

DS has maintained a relationship with his paternal GPs and other family with my support, but nothing any of us could do would persuade XH to contribute financially or emotionally. As far as I can gather, he just didn't want to and his new wife didn't want him to either.

XH's DM had a big birthday last year and wanted all her children and grandchildren to attend her party. DS went along with his cousins. XH said hello then ignored him for the rest of the day. By all accounts XH's DD was agog and couldn't take her eyes off this older half brother she had never met and hadn't known existed until very recently.

She wasn't allowed to talk to him.

Basically some people are just cunts.

GhostofMammaTJ Mon 08-Oct-12 21:19:46

Sole you are doing a great job and should be proud of yourself for doing so with so little support. Just keep on keeping on, and when you need to vent, you knwo here is the perfect place. I feel you may need a hug so am sending you a vey unmumsnetty queeeeze, whether you like it or not!!!(oops over exclamationised,mybad) ((((((((((((SoleSource)))))))))))))

SoleSource Mon 08-Oct-12 21:55:40

Lol thank you ghost smile x

HissyByName Mon 08-Oct-12 22:41:35

Yes, you're doing a bloody brilliant job, inspite of your mother!

Sounds like you'd do better still if you were to ditch her too! Id lay money that her treatment of you is what eroded your self esteem enough to become the victim of such a vile man in the first place.

Can you imagine saying such shite as she's said to you, to your dc?

thebody Mon 08-Oct-12 22:45:37

No soul I don't. I would go to the end of the world for my kids and die for them in a heartbeat. So sorry this happened to you and ds.

Your ex sounds like a total bastard.

thebody Mon 08-Oct-12 22:49:15

Also your mothers actions and opinions are just plain wrong.

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