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To wonder if I'm marrying the right man?

(152 Posts)
takesthebiscuit Mon 08-Oct-12 13:46:44

The wedding is booked and paid for. Our friends have forked out for hen/stag dos, accommodation and probably gifts. If I called it off now I would feel terrible.

But I can't shake this feeling that I might be making a mistake. I don't know what to do.

I live DP, we've been together 11 years, engaged 9 and only just had the money to enable us to get married. We also have 3 DCs. Why I'm with him - he makes me laugh, he's very funny and sometimes I can't stay mad at him. We also have a lot of history and on a practical level he is a hard worker with a good job and owns his own home. Most importantly he is a good father.

BUT - he is very traditional re women's/mans roles in the house. I do everything and the cast majority of child care. I don't mind this being a SAHM but he won't help on weekends. I can't talk to him either because of his fundamental view about what my role should be. I notice this is a common theme on here though so maybe I should accept it? Perhaps he can be trained?

He acts like I should be grateful for him allowing me to live in his house. I find this very upsetting. He will sometimes accuse me of being lazy when the house is a mess but I can never get it to his standards and he underestimates how long things take and how hard it can be looking after a toddler all day. He thinks I shouldn't take her to classes etc until the house is spotless, but, I think it's good for her and the house will only get messed up again. I do my best. I also volunteer two mornings a week.

I'm beginning to lose my attraction for him. He's not a conventionally good looking bloke anyway but I have always found him physically attractive. Recently though, something has changed. His fears turn my stomach and sometimes when we're laid in bed and I've been breathing his fumes for hours I feel stabby. He eats with his mouth full. People post pictures of him drunk on FB and he looks a mess. It's embarrassing. I don't go out drinking with him anymore because he's a total teat when drunk. He's a selfish lover. I very rarely finish so to speak.

None of these things are massive issues in themselves but we are arguing a lot more recently. That could be because of the stress of the wedding, or it could be that I joined MN a couple of months ago and my views are starting to change re what is acceptable in a relationship. But I also worry that we are just incompatible and it will never work. I've changed since we met. Or is this all just cold feet and normal thought processes when it sinks in that this will be the only man I will ever be with, for the rest of my life?

I have issues with men anyway so it's not like I think I can find better. What do I do?

MardyBra Mon 08-Oct-12 13:48:39

If you're having to wonder, then you probably are, I'm afraid.

takesthebiscuit Mon 08-Oct-12 13:48:48

Please excuse the many typos blush

MooncupGoddess Mon 08-Oct-12 13:48:58

Hmm. How can he be a good father when you do the vast majority of the child care?

He doesn't sound very pleasant or attractive from your portrayal of him - and honestly, if you feel like this about him then marrying him doesn't sound like a great idea for anyone involved.

MrsKeithRichards Mon 08-Oct-12 13:49:55

I don't think that's strictly true mardy but it does sound like there's things you need to talk about.

TanteRose Mon 08-Oct-12 13:50:03

bloody hell he sounds appalling - cancel the wedding! seriously

What do I do?

I would seriously call off the wedding for now at least till these issues are sorted out.

I have issues with men anyway so it's not like I think I can find better - there is no law that requires you to have a partner........and of course if you wanted to you could find better!! Does he tell you that you can't?

diddl Mon 08-Oct-12 13:53:44

"I don't go out drinking with him anymore because he's a total teat when drunk. He's a selfish lover."

That would be enough for me tbh.

alienreflux Mon 08-Oct-12 13:55:13

oh biscuit i really feel for you, and reeeeally want to say.. hey! it's cold feet, we all feel like this, and it turns out fine!!...... but i can't sad you are not compatible on lots of levels, and it sounds like as time goes on you are growing further apart instead of joining together.
How unhappy are you with the amount he does for the kids at weekends? How much does it bother you that he isn't satisfying you in bed, and doesn't seem to care?
it's only you that can answer these questions honestly,then talk to him he needs to see these are issues that you can't live with. How he reacts to your concerns will be very telling

Paiviaso Mon 08-Oct-12 13:55:15

I think after 11 years and three children it's a bit late in the game to be deciding if you want to commit to this man.

dreamingbohemian Mon 08-Oct-12 13:56:02

I don't think this is normal cold feet. I think you have very valid concerns here.

I don't think anyone should have to go through life feeling they're being 'allowed' to live in their own home -- that's disgraceful and no, not normal at all. It's very concerning he won't let you talk about these issues -- how can he see you and respect you as a partner if your views and wants don't matter?

Embarrassing drunk and selfish lover, yikes.

Why don't you think you can find better? Do you think all men are like this?

I don't think you should marry someone who disgusts you, no.

Softlysoftly Mon 08-Oct-12 14:08:12

Call off the wedding he treats you like a skivvy and you feel uncomfortable in your home not a guest in his!

My sister should never have go e through with her wedding (different reasons) she's now divorced. It seems a huge thing to do but sounds like the right thing.

And no people can't be changed or trained ever.

geegee888 Mon 08-Oct-12 14:08:21

You're not attracted to him much any more, you find your views on roles in the relationship incompatible and you don't want to do stuff with him. Why would you want to marry him? What you seem to be describing is more of a formalisation of a job offer than a living relationship.

* I can't talk to him either because of his fundamental view about what my role should be. I notice this is a common theme on here though so maybe I should accept it?*

Mumsnet is probably rather skewed in favour of SAHMs because they have more time to post on sites such as this. However there are plenty of men out there who are not like this. I have one of them. To a lot of women, doing nothing else in your life than be a SAHM is unusual, I've always had it drilled into me by both family and relatives about how important it is to establish a career of my own and not be totally financially reliant on a man. I really don't know any women who haven't worked in a reasonable sort of career at least before giving up to have children, so I would say mumsnet is pretty skewed.

That said, what other options do you have? You would have to make quite an effort to change your life. Sometimes you have to be pragmatic, and if you do split up at a later date, you will have far more rights as a wife than a live-in partner...maybe he will improve once he gets married though.

TheCraicDealer Mon 08-Oct-12 14:09:53

I think the deal breaker for me is the fact that he's not prepared to help you at the weekend with childcare (is he the type of man that talks about "babysitting" his own kids?) and housework, and doesn't want to debate it. Would love to see how he'd cope running a home and looking after three children full time if you took yourself off for a week.

Pandemoniaa Mon 08-Oct-12 14:23:49

The problem with men who hold these outdated and traditional views about the role of women is that marriage invariably hardens their attitude. Not least because they are inclined to think that they 'own' their wives. In any case, marriage alone will not change someone. .

I once ignored by doubts about marrying someone. I knew it was a mistake (for quite different reasons) and with hindsight I realise I should have called a halt to proceedings or at least postponed the wedding. It's not an easy thing to do but then neither is extricating yourself from a bad marriage.

I think in your case, OP, you need to talk to your partner about the aspects of your relationship you are (quite rightly, it sounds) unhappy about. Right now I'd be postponing the wedding too.

bradbourne Mon 08-Oct-12 14:35:33

"His fears turn my stomach". Sorry - not sure what you mean by that.

How far off (in time) is your wedding?

One thing I have learned is that, if there are any things that annoy you before you are married, they won't suddenly stop being annoying once you are married. If anything, they will get more annoying as time goes on.

bradbourne Mon 08-Oct-12 14:40:01

On a cynical note, I should add that the OP would probably be better off financially if she split from her parner after having been married than she would be if they are never married. "His" home, for example would become the marital home and , as such, a joint asset.

PanickingIdiot Mon 08-Oct-12 14:44:44

Hang on, you've been with him for 11 years and already have 3 children together? And you are asking now if he's the right man to marry? Honestly, what difference would it make at this point? What do you think would change if you do? And if you don't?

In your shoes I'd be asking myself if I actually want to continue the relationship, as it is now. Marriage won't magically change him overnight, and your position regarding finances, the house etc. wouldn't be drastically different after a short marriage vs. 11 years together either.

PanickingIdiot Mon 08-Oct-12 14:47:02

OP would probably be better off financially if she split from her partner after having been married than she would be if they are never married. "His" home, for example would become the marital home and , as such, a joint asset.

It would depend on how soon they divorce. I believe up to 4 years is considered a "short marriage" and it doesn't automatically mean everything is a joint asset.

OnwardBound Mon 08-Oct-12 14:49:47

Good point bradbourne.

May sound cynical but with three DC you need to think about things in practical as well as emotional terms.

Is there someone you can talk to about this in RL? A trusted friend or family member?

Or perhaps see a professional counseller?

What you need is a space to think about your options confidentially and where you can consider all possibilities without feeling judged or influenced by outside opinion.

MN is a good place to start but I feel you need more support than we can offer, in RL.

However do keep posting if it is helpful. MN is a wealth of experience and advice and some of it may be useful to you.

QuickLookBusy Mon 08-Oct-12 14:50:33

Panicking I'm not sure that's true, about there being no difference with the financial settlement when married/un married.

OP you say the house is his, ive always thought that if you are unmarried, unless you can prove you have paid towards the morgage, repairs etc you won't be entitled to half of his house. As his wife you will be entitled to half of the house.

PanickingIdiot Mon 08-Oct-12 14:51:40

Look it up if you're not sure that's true. You can't actually put your hands on half a house by being married for five minutes, contrary to popular belief

QuickLookBusy Mon 08-Oct-12 14:52:51

Sorry x posted with Onward.

OP I think you need legal advice as well as someone to talk to about your relationship.

Please go and see a solicitor or CAB.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 08-Oct-12 14:54:16

Under 4 years may be a short marriage, but over a decade of cohabiting and three kids adds up to rather more. Agree Op would be in a better financial position if she married and then split up.

Which is sad but pragmatic, as noted already.

QuickLookBusy Mon 08-Oct-12 14:56:10

Yes OldLady it is very much the case that anyone married has much better protection and rights than someone cohabiting.

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