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To hope that this book is wrong?

(43 Posts)
aroomofherown Sun 07-Oct-12 20:05:26

My friend gave me a book called "Marry Him" - all about settling for Mr Good-enough. The author makes some good points about not waiting for perfection, but her main premise seems to be that women in their 40s have very little chance of getting into a relationship with an attractive man their age, because they all go for younger women. It even says, "they all get bald, overweight and old anyway so you may as well go for that" or something along those lines.

I'm single and 40 and lonely. This book is actually making me quite depressed and irritable. Is this it for the rest of my life - marry someone unattractive or stay lonely?

imperialstateknickers Sun 07-Oct-12 20:06:29

Friend or no friend, throw the book in the bin.

Fakebook Sun 07-Oct-12 20:07:56

Just because someone is unattractive, it doesn't mean they don't have a good personality.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Oct-12 20:09:57

I think that, as you get older, what you find attractive changes. Looks matter less than personality.

A balding, sagging man who can make you laugh and feel safe is a better bet than Mr Handsome but nasty.

McHappyPants2012 Sun 07-Oct-12 20:10:09

George Clooney is a very attractive man and he is 51 smile and that coming from a 26 year old.

Beauty in in the eye of the beholder

SoupInaBasket Sun 07-Oct-12 20:10:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aroomofherown Sun 07-Oct-12 20:11:40

Fakebook that is true. And that is what the book is about, which I agree with.

But surely it matters that you find them attractive? Or should I compromise on that? Serious question.

Inneedofbrandy Sun 07-Oct-12 20:12:52

I haven't read the book, but the lady who write baggage reclaim recommends and agrees with it.

I kinda agree that mr perfect does not exist and butterflies and that thunderbolt feeling when you see someone is bullshit. There is a theory that the butterflies are your body's fight or flight response to danger.

I wouldn't be with someone who I felt was unattractive, but I can be attracted to lots more things then looks.

SoupInaBasket Sun 07-Oct-12 20:15:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh Sun 07-Oct-12 20:15:19

What a subtle friend you have! Did she just plonk it in your lap and say 'here ya go'?

YouMayLogOut Sun 07-Oct-12 20:16:06

Bin the book!

Numberlock Sun 07-Oct-12 20:17:02

I think you're asking the wrong question, OP - marry vs stay lonely.

McHappyPants2012 Sun 07-Oct-12 20:17:15

Being attractive and being attracted so to someone is completely different

akaemmafrost Sun 07-Oct-12 20:17:44

I don't think it's wrong unfortunately but it's probably best not to dwell on it and just hope you get lucky......

dondon33 Sun 07-Oct-12 20:17:54

Ignore the book.

cory Sun 07-Oct-12 20:18:36

The underlying premise is that every woman has to get married. You wouldn't want to be an old maid, would you? Like poor old Edith wiping her tears off and climbing out of bed with the sad reflection that spinsters get up for breakfast. hmm

wake me up, someone, when the 21st century comes around again!

Fakebook Sun 07-Oct-12 20:19:09

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My DH always tells me that I'm beautiful, but I know that other people may not see me the same way. When you fall in love with someone, you find them attractive regardless of any flaws.

SoupInaBasket Sun 07-Oct-12 20:19:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monsterchild Sun 07-Oct-12 20:23:59

My Dh was apparently balding in his 20s, hasn't got chisled features, and has a permanently awkward arm due to an accident in youth. However, I think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread! He won't win any handsome awards (though I'm not entirely sure why not) and doesn't look like any movie star I can think of. That all being said, he is the greatest DH I could have.

I will also say that I met him when I was 38, and it wasn't love at first sight but it was love after great sex It was only love after getting to know him.

I hope the author is trying to say that "beautiful men aren't all they're cracked up to be" and that beautiful men in their 40s are perhaps too vain to be seen with someone their own age.

However, there's nothing to stop you finding love. I did, and I was certain I was going to die alone, found half eaten by the cats.

YouMayLogOut Sun 07-Oct-12 20:25:14

Would you want someone to marry you if they found you unattractive?

monsterchild Sun 07-Oct-12 20:25:41

Also, i was happy to be alone! I wasn't missing being married (had never been) and I didn't ever feel like being married was somehow the pinnacle of my life as a woman.

cory Sun 07-Oct-12 20:25:42

In my book, there is only one reason to marry someone and that is if you really would rather spend the rest of your life with this particular individual than with anybody else. The rest you can shag. Baldness doesn't come into it.

GoSakuramachi Sun 07-Oct-12 20:27:33

They kind oh have a point though. Its not like you are surrounded by attractive single available men your age, and if you were they would all be trying to date women ten years younger than you. You presumaby wouldnt still be single if they werent in the ballpark of correct.

lubeybooby Sun 07-Oct-12 20:27:45

Oh gawd

I actually thought 'sod it' and married my ex after reading a similar book that said there's nothing wrong with 'Mr Shed' rather than 'Mr Right' (shed stands for sod it he'll do)

It wasn't ONLY becasue of that book, but it did stay in my mind, if you see what I mean.

So having been there I say noooooo! Wait for the right one!

Back2Two Sun 07-Oct-12 20:27:53

I think that learning that "perfection" is never going to come along is a great lesson for some women.

That's the sort of woman who is lonely and wants a relationship, has been in unhappy ones before but still seems to place hurdles in front of any man....including "he must be taller than me, he needs to be rugged, he needs to have a good job ...." Drives me crazy. I' m like "what if he's 5ft 6 but you adore him...."oh that would never happen"

Maybe that's the advice your friend is trying to give you? Give them a chance
Even if they don't meet your strict criteria.

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