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I suspect I will be told I AM, but am upset still anyway.

(76 Posts)
Februarytwotimes Fri 05-Oct-12 21:47:01

Ok will try not to drip feed.

Have a child with ASD, he is 10. Today we are supposed to be visiting my parents, a two and a half hour drive away. When ds was initially diagnosed they were not very supportive and it took my Dad, especially a long time to come to terms with it. He was quite unkind to ds in trying to prove there was NOTHING wrong with him, he was naughty, just a boy! To be fair my Mum is now fab and my Dad now tries his best.

When we go there DS has a room put aside for him (grateful for this) for him to retreat to whenever he needs to, which is often. We take his laptop. Now I am sure other parents of ASD children will understand. Ds needs his laptop, it calms him, he looks at certain videos, trains, transport, cars etc and it keeps him on an even keel, he spends hours up there in his room, perfectly happy, no meltdowns. Today around two thirds into the journey he suddenly shouted he didn't have his laptop. I knew we had packed it so stopped to check, sure enough, he had brought the wrong bag, similar colour but no laptop sad.

So I phoned my parents and asked would it be ok if we use their laptop while we are there because ds cannot manage without it and if we can't then I will have to turn back to get his. Being without a laptop is simply not an option, they know this. Ds would be stressed, difficult to keep entertained and manage and would then probably meltdown. My Dad would shout and get stressed and well, you get the picture. Big long pause "well we'd rather he didn't."........... Now let me tell you this, ds treats his laptop as if it is made of diamonds, its is his most precious possesion, he has had it for three years and the only thing that has ever been wrong with it was hard drive issue, which we had fixed, absolutely nothing he had done. He would do the same with theirs.

So anyway I just said, I have to go back and get it then, bye and put the phone down. Turned back at the next exit and now am home and as its late I am not going back tonight. They have messaged asking us to go again tomorrow morning but after a nearly 6 hour drive (what with all the rain, traffic and weather) I don't really feel inclined too, me and dc are knackered and quite frankly I am bloody pissed off about it!

So come on give it to me straight but please do remember I have been driving for 9 hours today, as helped a friend move house this morning before we drove up to

Ragwort Fri 05-Oct-12 21:50:34

No, I really wouldn't, the weather forecast is grim all weekend, you've already done tons of driving and it was unkind of your dad not to offer to allow your DS the use of his laptop.

If I were you I wouldn't make a big issue out of it but just say sorry it didn't work out this weekend and can you plan another date (or could they come to you?).

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Oct-12 21:50:42

YANBU to not want to travel again

But YABU to be annoyed with your parents

To be fair, it's not their fault it wasn't packed and if they don't trust a 10yr old with their laptop, then that's that really.

I can see why you're upset, but I think you should chalk it down to experience and don't take it out on your parents.

ajandjjmum Fri 05-Oct-12 21:50:59


Unless there is a very compelling reason, I think most loving GPs would willingly let their GS use anything they have.

MrsKeithRichards Fri 05-Oct-12 21:51:56


RancerDoo Fri 05-Oct-12 21:52:22

Your kids come first. Your boy needs his routine.
That's ok and it was fine to turn around.

I would think twice about going tomorrow too.

Don't be cross with your parents though - life is too short!

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Oct-12 21:52:39

Stay at home.

SuperB0F Fri 05-Oct-12 21:54:27

I agree with RancerDoo- try not to fall out, but I'd nix the trip.

deleted203 Fri 05-Oct-12 21:54:28

I don't think it's unreasonable. You yourself clearly know that without the laptop it would have been a hellish visit. Agree with Ragwort that I would enjoy a stress free weekend at home and simply say to them, 'Sorry, we can't make it now. I can't face doing that drive again this weekend. Another time perhaps'.

Catsdontcare Fri 05-Oct-12 21:55:07

Yanbu to not go back. Their choice about the laptop I suppose although it seems a bit mean to me.

Fakebook Fri 05-Oct-12 21:55:23

I think your parents ABU. My dad always let's the grandchildren play with his things. They never get broken. Surely they could have given the laptop to your DS. I would think they were hiding something on there instead of being....what's the word? Precious about their laptop.

GotMyGoat Fri 05-Oct-12 21:55:27

I would just call it off for this weekend. you can have a well earned rest, and let the air cool a little. Very odd, My dd is 14 months old and she's allowed to use her gps laptop and phones...

Ouchdownthere Fri 05-Oct-12 21:55:56

YANBU, sounds like a rough day. Agree with Ragwort on what to do now.

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Oct-12 21:56:38

Perhaps their are some personal things on the laptop they don't want him seeing?

Computers are very personal things to some people.

3monkeys3 Fri 05-Oct-12 21:56:50

Wow, definitely not unreasonable!

Februarytwotimes Fri 05-Oct-12 21:57:25

I tend to judge them by dc's Dad's family I think, for whom nothing is too much trouble where the dc are concerned, not in a spoiling them kind of way but just because they love the dc and really want them to be happy, not that they haven't had their moments when it came to ds's diagnosis hmm.

I honestly wasn't having a tantrum although I was upset. There just wasn't any other option, we couldn't do without it. They texted that he could use the main PC, but thats in the living room and the noise and just general bustle stresses ds out and my Dad tells him off if the computer is too loud less than normal volume actually and I did explain this. They just said they were disappointed we weren't coming and could we come tomorrow?

Thanks for you replies. I am not going up again, I am knackered and just want a quiet cosy one with dc at home now.

Moominsarescary Fri 05-Oct-12 21:58:03

Yanbu I don't think I'd bother. They knew you'd been driving for all that time but still wouldn't let him use their laptop.

SummerRain Fri 05-Oct-12 21:58:10

I wouldn't go again this weekend. Just say 'I'm really sorry but I drove 9 hours today and I'm exhausted, I don't think id be safe behind the wheel. We'll come down next weekend instead, ds and I are really disappointed as we were looking forward to it'

That way you're not blaming them but they might be forced to think how they're decision affected you both.

lisad123 Fri 05-Oct-12 21:59:06

I'm pretty sure while your parents accept the dx, they clearly still don't understand it! sad
I personally wouldn't go, and in our house sometimes you just have to accept things aren't going to work and just abandon the plans.

qo Fri 05-Oct-12 21:59:35

I have a child with ASD and learning difficulties, well he's not a child anymore!!

My parents used to be a bit like this to start with, it isn't their fault it's so hard to understand when you don't live with it.

Now they're much better mum especially and know they have to do certain things etc in order for him to feel comfortable, and because they love him they do this. But I remember how hurtful it was when they used to disregard it as naughtiness, nothing wrong etc - so I really do understand how you feel, it took time and I bought them books in which I then underlined relevant passages & chapters.

I have a friend with a severely autistic young man, and while she has fantastic loving parents who bend over backwards to help her and him, her dad can still be a bit like this sometimes!!

awbless Fri 05-Oct-12 22:01:57

If being without a laptop was not an option I would have been triple checking we had it. I know this is not helpful but there really is No-one else to blame here but you OP. Transferring the blame to your parents is BU.

MaryZed Fri 05-Oct-12 22:07:08

It's a pity in a way you realised he had left it behind, as I bet when you got there they would probably have lent it to him. You may have caught them on the hop a bit.

However, YANBU to be upset, and they would have been unreasonable not to let him use it - unless there was stuff on there they would prefer him not to see, but that's another story.

Sorry you have had such a shit day.

TidyGOLDDancer Fri 05-Oct-12 22:08:14

Well YANBU to not make the trip tomorrow, but I think YABU to blame your parents for that. To a lot of people (myself included) their laptops are really personal things and they don't want to share them. I don't even really like DP messing with mine (although tbf that's because he actually does mess with it, he likes to change settings etc). I think in the circumstances you could probably see your parents as a little bit mean but they were not in the wrong. The fact that you forgot the laptop doesn't mean you can transfer blame to your parents for not going along with your back up option.

RinkyDinkyDoo Fri 05-Oct-12 22:08:36

As a Mum of a child who has ASD I can see where you're coming from. Anything that is out of normal routine is stressfull enough to try,this wouldn't be a "oh no we've forgotten the laptop" it's a "Oh no this is going to be hell" and it raises stress levels for all. Hard to understand if you haven't got an ASD child.
By saying no to using the laptop,they have given you no option to but to go home and after you've driven so far, it's perfectably reasonable to say, "Hey, another time"

Gumby Fri 05-Oct-12 22:13:55

Can't they come to you?

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