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to want to punch my dd dad in the face???

(187 Posts)
Mummyof2Girlies Fri 05-Oct-12 21:19:53

hi im new to this just wanted some advice. my dd whos 4 goes to her dads every other weekend and tuesday afternoons. we spilt wen she was 14 months and has seen him regularly on these set days. im now happily engaged and have another dd 15 months. exp is a pain in the butt always poking his nose in makes sarcastic comments spoils dd1 to the point of extreme. she asks every day if her daddy is picking her up or if she is seeing her daddy today it makes me feel like shit like im not gd enuf. dd1 has just started school and he was there on 1st day helped pay for uniform etc. since she started i have told him about parents eve, gave him newsletters even though he gets the same emails we do. when he picked her up tonight he said ever so casually "oh by the way ive joined the pta, didnt u know there was a meeting one of the mums told me on tuesday and ive been elected secetary i dint really want to do it but i thought as its my daughters future education" hes organising events at school and he said oh i can take her to the disco and im organising a bake sale and xmas bingo which i can take dd1 to.
aibu to think hes trying to take my daughter away to make himself look better at school? i mean he works ft as a manager htf is he gonna have time to be a pta secetary?? he is trying to be her mother!!!! ive been fighting this role since she was born! any advice welcome sorry to drag on! xx

MagicHouse Sat 06-Oct-12 22:30:36

She phoned me today actually and said i miss u and dd2 and dp when am i coming home?

If you feel down, read that through again and tell yourself how much she loves you. That word "home" says it all about how she feels about being with you. Your ex is probably in all honesty pretty exhausting to live with - someone keeping up that level of competition and working so hard to be seen to be the best parent inevitably is. He probably seeks lots of feedback from her about what a great dad he is. If he keeps this up, he'll be doing himself no favours when it comes to their relationship, because that will be stressful underneath all the toys and and McDs.

Just be yourself, and ignore him/ let him get on with it. She will work out for herself what sort of person he is. You just concentrate on you, your daughter and your relationship with her.

Mo2g .. its easily done sweetheart .. you should see what happens when an abusive man or a troll comes on and causes trouble.. they get ripped a new one and get sent packing grin

Shelly32 Sat 06-Oct-12 17:36:35

Haven't read the whole thread but he sounds like a dad who loves his daughter, is desperate to see her more and is doing his damned best to see that happens. As happy as you are with 'your' new unit, and as annoying his presence in your life is, your daughter is his too and it's graet he's making the effort!

Mummyof2Girlies Sat 06-Oct-12 17:19:50

Blueskysinking He does do swimming lessons we take it in turns him one week us the next. she has took her reading book, counting homework and phonics book with her to his. I am NOT bitter.

Mummyof2Girlies Sat 06-Oct-12 17:18:27

He cant have her anymore as his work doesnt allow it. he works full time and doesnt know what shifts he's on from one day to the next apart from the set days he has her now. She phoned me today actually and said i miss u and dd2 and dp when am i coming home?
Also i know i worded the post horrendusly and will think in future if i need to post anything else. smile

BlueSkySinking Sat 06-Oct-12 17:17:56

Also if he is really snide with comments, just be really lovely to him. Don't fluster. Just be a ball of positivity.

BlueSkySinking Sat 06-Oct-12 17:16:18

I think you should be very grateful that he wants to be so deeply involved, he obviously adores her and maybe hasn't much going on outside of work. I think in your shoes I would allow slightly more access so that it feels more normal and less like a special treat. Ask him to do the mundane things too like homework and swimming lessons. Stop being bitter and just have fun and enjoy your DD.

FellatioNelson Sat 06-Oct-12 14:31:29

I think the situation might be eased if you let him have more access. One weekend in two and only one afternoon a week is not a huge amount, if he lives reasonably locally is it?

If he saw her more often two things might happen:

1) Your DD would stop seeing you both as playing two separate roles in her life - you with the stability, the humdrum everyday life that comes with being disciplined, having a routine, being told to eat up her veg etc, and him the Indulgent Weekend Parent who says yes to everything and spoils her with late bedtimes etc, because he doesn't want what few hours her has with her to be stressful. He will be frightened that if he doesn't give her what she wants she'll stop wanting to come. He will also be ill-equipped to deal with the tough stuff as he doesn't do it day in day out, so he opts for the path of least resistance. Imagine if you only saw her that often - you'd want harmony and fun while you were with her wouldn't you?

2) The novelty will wear off for him too - he would soon realise (for example if he had her overnight on two school nights a week, that if he didn't stick to a decent bedtime she'd be impossible and grumpy for school in the morning and he'd be late for work) that you cannot be the indulgent Good Cop all of the time.

and maybe if he had more time with her he'd relax a bit and stop trying to compete with you.

Totally agree it can also lighten things up a bit smile

Don't think for one moment that the women on here aren't supportive though hun.

You paid the price for a badly worded AIBU..thats all, AIBU is a baptism of fire on its own, and badly wording something is a double whammy, lol

Don't let it put you off

In future post in relationships grin

HecateLarpo Sat 06-Oct-12 13:56:59

I hope you're feeling a bit cheered up, MO2G. sometimes a good old laugh about a shit situation can really help.

He may have been a bit of an annoying bellend up to now, but try the stuff everyone has said about smiling and responding to him placidly so he doesn't know he's getting your goat.

Make the most of him! Ask him to babysit while you and DP go out.
Ask him for all those big pressies that cost a bomb.

I hope that eventually he calms down and is just a good dad rather than one that goes all out to buy affections and please feel sorry for him too, he probably realises that he fucked up and lost you and DD in his life 100%, maybe he's bucking up his ideas and making sure he doesn't get written out.
See things from his POV and maybe he won't get to you as much x

HecateLarpo Sat 06-Oct-12 13:49:24

If you wangle an mp3 player, can I have it? wink

Mummyof2Girlies Sat 06-Oct-12 13:48:18

Next time he says anything like that i am going to say all sorts of things!
Good thinking x

HecateLarpo Sat 06-Oct-12 13:43:49

sorry, that should have started "like ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm, I am amazed..." grin

HecateLarpo Sat 06-Oct-12 13:42:57

I am amazed you don't use it to your advantage.

You are going to buy your daughter

a wii
a big flatscreen tv for her bedroom
a dsi xl
a dvd player
an ipad
an ipod
a kindle

etc etc

come on woman, think grin grin grin

Well there you go, lol.
I put that for purely selfish and childish reasons after my mum said the same to my dad, and he got my nanna to buy me a pony.. i was over the moon..
Still didn't want to live with him though, lol

Mummyof2Girlies Sat 06-Oct-12 13:38:57

Good one i might try that one!! He did ask the other day what we as buying her for xmas and i told him oh im not sure yet. We do know (silver cross surf dolls pram and portable dvd player as main present) but i thought if i let him know that he'l buy exactly the same or buy it for her now. grin

And don't tell DD or ExP about any family plans then he can't one upmanship it

Ooooh.... tell him she really really wants a pony grin

Pagwatch Sat 06-Oct-12 13:34:23

Very sensible. You can do it.

squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 13:34:09

I think you just have to keep remembering that at 4 years old, children only see things in very very basic terms. You are the adult, so you will see it differently, and as your daughter grows up, she will still say things that hurt, but she doesnt mean them.

All kids will say "I hate you, I want to go and live with XXX because they wont tell me off"... its natural and normal.

Mummyof2Girlies Sat 06-Oct-12 13:28:52

I Can try

HecateLarpo Sat 06-Oct-12 13:23:20

Good for you! That is absolutely the right way to go about it.

Mummyof2Girlies Sat 06-Oct-12 13:21:43

Im going to smile and be all sweetness and light to his face even when he is vile towards me. I am going to ignore his comments. I am not going to let him get to me. I have 2 beautiful girls and a loving fiance who loves me.

If i keep telling myself that i might just start believing it.

Pagwatch Sat 06-Oct-12 13:17:11

The thread title is foolish and unnecessary. But I don't for a moment believe that the op either has a history of punching people or any serious intent to hurt anyone.
Focussing on an ill advised title rather than the point of the op seems to me cherry picking.

Op. your feelings are not rational. Your relationship clearly has such a difficult history that you cannot separate the fact that the things your exp are doing are good because you are so used to feeling hostile.

I would strongly suggest that you try and swallow your resentment - even if there is good cause - because the things he does are great for your child. And ultimately that is the main thing.

The comment about a poster being an apologist for Jimmy Saville is quite one of the most pathetic and inappropriate things I have read on here for a while.

Mummyof2Girlies Sat 06-Oct-12 13:08:16

Well nothing is ever going to be resolved with him because he is right and i am wrong. He's the good cop and i am the bad cop. Always will be.

Ive just re read some of the posts some people have put on here and to be honest while 30% of you have been nice the other 70% have been down right nasty. They have made me sob.

Even if i didnt know someone and they posted that i would guess they are at the end of their tether and need to vent to someone out of the equation.

Just to summise:
1. I do not need to get a grip.
2. I am not a husband beater Never have. Never will be.
3. I am certainly not jealous, spiteful or childish. I am 26 years old with 2 children. I do not have time for childish games with my ex.
4. Yes maybe i should have elaborated in my OP and not used such "Violent" terminology but i was-and still am-very upset and distressed by the situation.
5. I am mearly trying to gain some perspective on my situation and just wanted some other motherly advice, maybe who was kind of in the same boat.

Thank you to all have offered nice friendly comments.
Thanks to you all who have judged me. Nice one.

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