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to hate him with every last fibre of my being?

(83 Posts)
TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:29:01

'D'H has been away most of the last three weeks, during which I and the kids have been ill. He does a shitty little job and claims that he could not get out of the work. I am the major bread winner working f/t. I arrange my work and personal life so this does not happen. He has only called once this week. Major major rows - I do an unfair amount of housework in any case but because he is a man everyone always tell him how amazing he is to 'help' me (nb this involves 'doing the laundry' i.e. his own stuff when he could be arsed). I fucking hate him so hard. I think I'm entitled to feel like I am not loved and I totally being taken the piss out of. I know all our friends and family would agree what an amazing man he is. But I feel like shit. He doesn't even phone to hear about his children the fucking fucker. AIBU to feel this way? I feel like I'm learning something about him - was always so confident that he loved me even though I don't feel the same way, but not feeling it now. Never been so low and angry.

Caerlaverock Fri 05-Oct-12 19:31:54

Not calling is shit. You sound very very angry. Talk to him

LindyHemming Fri 05-Oct-12 19:33:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:34:01

I'm almost past talking to him. I am stubborn like that. But also don't know what to say - 'why don't you love us? why are you such a total dick? why does every little bit of effort I put into a gorgeous house, beautiful kids and great career not matter?'

You're right, I am angry grin!

TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:36:08

He called once this week. But TBH he never really calls. His workmates are macho wankers with SAH wives who are some kind of bloody badge of honour BTW that is NOT a dig at SAHMs, just the way some men carry them like a fucking status symbol as opposed to an equal partner. Or maybe it's just the tits he works with.

LindyHemming Fri 05-Oct-12 19:38:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:40:24

Thank you. DS is at his friends and little DD is in bed so lacking in adult company at the moment to check myself against (hence hardcore ranting here). Almost feels better to think that maybe I'm NBU, that he is a tit., however unpleasnt that revelation is.

joanofarchitrave Fri 05-Oct-12 19:42:44

TBH I do think yabu to call anyone's work 'a shitty little job'.

What do you mean by that? Is it semi-criminal? Or is it just that it doesn't pay much and you resent having to carry so much of the load?

You sound furious and it's not surprising. Next time someone talks about him 'helping', let a little anger out in their direction. Or better, have a proper row about it and tell him that HE has to tell them not to be so ridiculous.

Anonymumous Fri 05-Oct-12 19:43:40

Hang on... you were always so confident that he loves you even though you don't feel the same way??? And now you're asking why he doesn't love you? Errrr... not being funny, but why the hell should he?!

Maybe he doesn't give a about having a gorgeous house or your great career, and would actually just like his wife to love him? confused

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 05-Oct-12 19:44:09

nothing wrong with hating a person but its probally not ideal if you are married to that person

MajorB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:44:50

Just to clarify, you don't love him, but believe(d) he loves you, he doesn't pull his weight around the house, or with his children, and you're not dependent on him financially?

Why are you still with him?

amillionyears Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:31

What did he used to be like
Why did you fall in love with him and marry him?

Anonymumous Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:35

Oooh, I put some asterisks in there to avoid using a naughty word, and they haven't come up. OK, I'll use the naughty word this time...

Maybe he doesn't give a shit about...etc.

TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:46:59

Err yes.It has always been a bit unequal in the 'love' department. And his job is shitty in the really basic sense of it's not great, not well-run, not well-paid, wing-and-a-prayer, run by some wally that DH hero-worships - he doesn't even dare ask for holiday half the time as his kids seem to be a dirty little secret.

And frankly no relationship is entirely equal as far as love goes. But we had our own equilibrium, even if it wasn't hearts and flowers.

DeckSwabber Fri 05-Oct-12 19:48:23

Some men seem to have real difficulty with acknowleging obligations at home. My ex- got really antsy if he thought he was expected to do anything, as if it demeaned him.

Sorry you are going through this. Have had many angry, angry moments myself.

MadBusLady Fri 05-Oct-12 19:48:25

Well, get rid then.

cricketballs Fri 05-Oct-12 19:49:08

My dh works away often; but no matter what he phones every night. I also work full time and he still has his 'jobs to do' in the home not cooking as I would prefer not to have food poisoning

op; it seems like you two need to sit down and talk about the future; but rather than whilst you are so angry, why not write down all your feelings about your relationship/life in a letter then maybe once you have got the 'angry' out of your system, you can have a proper conversation about everything

TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:49:40

million I loved him because he was just a really nice bloke. But he is also weak. And to be honest because I got pregnant by him younger than I ideally would have done. He has mostly been an exemplary father. But surely I shouldn't feel so shit, even if I am as neurotic as he likes to paint me.

MajorB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:49:50

Sounds to me like you "settled" for someone that you never really loved, and never thought was good enough in the first place.

Maybe he's not good enough for you, he sounds like a waste of space, but that's no way to live - for either of you.

TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:51:03

Christ, I can see there's more here. Mentions of exes seems to indicate this is hard to change. cricket you are right. I just don't know if I even care enough to do that sad.

Brycie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:52:01

I sympathise but can I just say one thing. The underlying subscript of this is, "I do all this despite the fact that I don't love him, and he should know that".

TCOB Fri 05-Oct-12 19:52:07

cricket what gets you through when he's away and it all comes down to you? Do you ever feel mad at him for just buggering off? Is it love or respect that helps you work out your 'roles'?

Anonymumous Fri 05-Oct-12 19:52:31

Sorry, but it sounds like you were just using him as a sperm donor. He probably hoped that you would grow to love him more with time. That worked out well! hmm I can't imagine how soul-destroying it must be to be married to someone who is not only so open about not loving you, but who is also so disparaging and bitchy about your job. sad You say you feel like shit because you feel like you are not loved - how the heck do you think he feels then?!

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:53:53

Sounds like you are both unhappy and have different priorities.
You sound like you belittle him and liked the fact that he loved you more. He might be just fed up.

His priorities may not be a gorgeous house and lots of money. Maybe he wants a wife that loves him as much as he loves her and doesn't belittle him

He should have phoned to check on the kids though. But sounds like you dislike each other in equal amounts.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:57:33

I just don't know if I even care enough to do that

Its quite difficult to hate someone with every fibre of your being, that you genuinely don't care about.

I think your more upset that you feel he no longer loves you and you don't like it.

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