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to be gutted after DP confessed to eating a steak (both vegetarian -not anymore obviously!)

(276 Posts)
Mercapto Fri 05-Oct-12 18:48:58

I've been vegetarian for 6 - 7 years. I made the decision to go vegetarian when I realised that I wasn't eating much meat due to not enjoying it due to taste and ethical reasons.

I met DP 4 years ago and he decided to go veggie with me because he wasn't one for eating much meat either.

I came home last night from work and he told me he had a confession to make. He had given in to his cravings and bought steaks, ate one last night and the other is in the freezer.

I wasn't expecting this really although he has told me he had been having dreams about eating meat.

I know I don't really have a leg to stand on and can't tell him that he can't eat meat but I have been feeling awful since I found out. I felt uspet, disgusted at the thought of animal flesh being cooked in my kitchen, not to mention a steak actually mingling with items of food in my freezer. I wanted rid of the evidence. I could see the empty packet in the bin, and the dishes he'd used to cook/ eat it. Reading this paragraph back to myself, I feel like there is something wrong with me for feeling this way. I don't have a problem with other people eating meat, I just don't want it in my house sad

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in RL because I feel that the people around me (meat eaters) probably don't respect my non eat-meating preferences and think it's a bit silly.

AIBU for feeling this way? I havn't spoken at all to DP since. Although I did ask if he would be buying more meat, he said ocasionally. I then said could he cook it when I wasn't around (I thought this a reasonable request seeing as I work shifts and we don't always have tea together!)

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 19:42:54

''a chat and compromise are the minimum OP can expect surely'' - I dont think the OP wants to compromise !

Noqontrol Fri 05-Oct-12 19:44:14

I can understand why you are a bit upset op. My dh went veggie for a couple of years when we first met. He did give me several months warning that he was planning to eat meat again. I think I would be shocked if I had come home and there was something dead nestling in the freezer where once there lay vegetarian delights. Esp if he hadn't mentioned anything about it before.. Your dh should have warned you really. Do you think he was worried about your reaction, or that you would talk him out of it? But it is his choice ultimately if he wants to eat meat.

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 19:44:46

Domedon, isent he allowed to change his tastes then hmm. Comparing meat eating to smoking is a crap comparison

BunnyLebowski Fri 05-Oct-12 19:44:58

Yes Don.

Because eating a steak is exactly the same as snorting coke or blowing the rent money down the casino.


exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:17

He ate meat-most people do! She can choose to be vegetarian but it is a personal choice-she can't choose for anyone else (except young children). I don't expect people to dictate my eating habits and I don't have to ask DH's permission.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:32

If it was smoking or drugs or debt or something people 'frown on', most would be backing her up.

Because that would have an impact directly on her. Be it financial ( using money for drugs ) ruining of credit rating, or partaking in high risk activities that could kill him. All have an effect on her.

He ate when she was out of the house, its in the freezer and not contaminating her food. Is it putting her finacial security at risk, or her home or her health?

NumericalMum Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:36

Do you eat cheese? Do you wear leather? If you do YABU. If you are a strict vegetarian for ethical and moral reasons then perhaps you are bordering on NBU.
I hate the smell of cheese and fish but I can hardly stop my husband from eating them if he wants to.

Abitwobblynow Fri 05-Oct-12 19:46:31


you can't control another person - they have a right to make their own choices and decisions. To be this upset is a bit obsessive, and I think we humans when we get 'into' something whatever that is, religion, way of life, hobby, politics - can tend to get extreme. I hope you hear that I am not saying you are nuts or mean, just it's something that we have to be aware of and guard against.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:49:09

he should give a few months notice?

That he wants a steak, while she is not in the house. Good god.

Itsjustafleshwound Fri 05-Oct-12 19:49:26

Do me don - the flip side of your argument is that the response would also be very different if a man was insisting a woman behaved a certain way with no compromise ...

PickledFanjoCat Fri 05-Oct-12 19:52:23

As long as he chooses meat ethically and uses separate cooking things careful with storage etc, despite not liking it I think he should be able to choose what he eats?

I know a few ex-vegans & vegetarians. People's beliefs can change over time.

Iggly Fri 05-Oct-12 19:53:41

What really bothers you?

The meat or the fact your DH was obviously not as diehard a veggie as you and went ahead and got steak?

ivanapoo Fri 05-Oct-12 19:53:58

Not sure if YABU or not but I would definitely want him to be super stringent about hygiene, cleaning up after cooking it, getting rid of smells etc.

I would also probably ask him to eat it when you're not there/when out at restaurants etc. Definitely wouldn't cook myself for him.

I'd also question who pays for it - meat is expensive!

Also just because he ate a steak doesn't mean he can't return to a largely if not wholly veggie diet. This whole "oh I was veggie for 10 years but then I had a bacon sandwich so i now eat meat twice a day" thing is ridiculous.

BTW I'm a slack "vegetarian", in that over the past 2 years I've eaten naice meat twice and fish a handful of times. It's still a damn sight more ethical than eating it (or crappy cheese you could argue) every day.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 19:55:32

I didn't say it was the same, as you can see from my post. I said IF it was something other people frown on. The OP feels that way about meat and her DP was aware of that. As someone who cares about her, her views and feelings, he would have been well aware that she would be upset. A quick chat and agreement would have been the kind and considerate path. OP has not said he cannot have anything, she is not showing any signs of being controlling, she even accepts she is being funny about it.

Eating red meat is expensive compared to veg and cn be bad for you health in excess BUT that is his choice, same as it would be if he started snorting coke hmm

YUNoSaySomethingNice Fri 05-Oct-12 19:58:01

I know veggies who don't want meat in their houses. I think that is perfectly reasonable.
I think your DH should have let you know beforehand. Was he too nervous to tell you? Do you think he has been eating meat on the sly before?

TooMuchRain Fri 05-Oct-12 19:59:18

I think it would be less U if you had both given up just for ethical reasons but you said it was a taste thing too so your reaction seems a bit extreme

KittenCamile Fri 05-Oct-12 20:03:00

I would feel exactly the same as you about a dead animal in my kitchen. I'm a vegan, have been for years, my EXH was too so was never a problem but my DP is a meat eater so is his DD.

I would never cook or touch a piece of meat, the thought makes me feel sick. We don't have any meat that has to be cooked in our house, that is the comprimise. Pre packed ham or whatever can be eaten in the house but not kept in the fridge (DP and DSD aren't big meat eaters anyway, thank god! I wouldn't be with him if he was)

You need separate cooking utensils, cleaning cloths, chopping board, plates, cuttlery and if it was me I would get one of those little grills as I couldn't have meat cooked in the same oven I cooked in.

I understand why you feel like you do, it would be a huge thing for me as my veganisum is a big part of who I am. You do need to talk to him though. I would look at him different after that

NotALondoner Fri 05-Oct-12 20:03:58

Hmmm. Really, totally honestly, I would not continue a relationship with him. It is that important to me.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:05:32

The OP feels that way about meat and her DP was aware of that. As someone who cares about her, her views and feelings, he would have been well aware that she would be upset.

No she gave up primarily because she doesn't like the taste and ethical reasons as a secondary. Why would he know she would freak out. If she was a strict vegan and didn't touch any animal products, fair enough. But I bet the the OP drinks milk, eats cheese and has worn leather. So this reaction is bizarre.

There are so many other things in your postctaht are laughable. Meat is more expensive than beg - yes. But vegetarians eat more than just beg and vegetarian food can be very expensive.

You say you weren't comparing them, but you were. You compared peoples reactions to drugs and debt to having a steak.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:06:48

Snorting coke is bad for your health in any quantity.

HeadfirstForHalos Fri 05-Oct-12 20:07:35

I would feel like this too Op. My dh and I have been together for 15 years and were both veggie when we met. If either of us were thinking about eating meat again we would discuss it with the other partner.

Of course he can eat meat if he wants to, but knowing how you feel about it he should have had a little respect and mentioned it first so you could get your head around it, and discuss important things like keeping separate plates/cutlery/cooking things for meat.

If he started eating meat with no warning, knowing how strongly I feel, I would feel disrespected and pretty pissed off.

And whoever called the OP a loon? Nice hmm

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 20:08:43

Run run for the hills or a raving carnivore will gobble you up, or you might get some horribal lurgy from them

HeadfirstForHalos Fri 05-Oct-12 20:09:24

"vegetarian food can be very expensive"

Yeah, if you live on ready meals! Proper home cooked veggie food is far cheaper than meat any day. I wouldn't use the money reason to ever stop my dh from eating meat though.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:09:30

notalondoner why are you a vegetarian? Is it ethical reasons.

As said if the OP didn't use any animal products based on an ethical argument and her dp knew how important this was. I would have said she is not being unreasonable.
or had her dp hidden it, or cooked it on front of her and forced her to watch or tried to get her to eat it.
But he didn't.

monkeysbignuts Fri 05-Oct-12 20:11:10

I would live with someone who ate meat but if my dh started snorting coke (his choice or not) I would kick him out!!

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