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To not want my ds's new bf at the scattering of our mums ashes?

(28 Posts)
fber Fri 05-Oct-12 14:49:24

My sis is in a brand new relationship, loved up etc. Everyone's met him, but only once. Seems like a nice guy, but.....

Our mum died in July, and we're scattering her ashes on Sunday. New bf is coming along, sitting in the car while we do it, and then coming for lunch with us later on.

AIBU to be a bit bothered by this? I might be in a right old state, and I don't think I'll be comfortable blubbing into my sunday roast with a stranger. There will be our other sisters and brothers, and our stepdad. My sis hasn't asked any of us if we mind if he comes along sad

I understand she wants emotional support but I don't really want him there! I really think if it was me I'd leave him at home.


CailinDana Fri 05-Oct-12 14:54:58

YAB totally U although it's somewhat understandable given the circumstances. Your sis wants the person closest to her in her life, ie her bf, to be there at a stressful time. You might not consider the relationship to be very serious but that's not relevant really is it? Is your partner coming (if you have one) and have you checked with your Dsis if it's ok? I think it shows a very kind heart in her bf that he's willing to come along to such a difficult day, wait in the car and then be with her later even though he's not been around that long. I would be rather pleased for my Dsis if she had a bf like that.

Condolences on the passing of your mother. I hope the day goes well.

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 05-Oct-12 14:55:01

YANBU to feel how you do. Could you phrase it to your Dsis that it might be better for her new bf not to be there as it would be better and much more pleasant for him if you all to get to know him better at a less sad and emotional occasion?

Sorry to hear about your mum sad

However, YABU!!! He is there for your sister and good on him for wanting to go - it's a hard time for him to meet his new girlfriends family so he will probably be nervous too.

I understand she wants emotional support but I don't really want him there! I really think if it was me I'd leave him at home. But it's not all about you and she wants him there. He is sitting in the car whilst the ashes are being scattered after all.

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 05-Oct-12 14:57:52

Surely a bf in a "brand new" relationship who didn't know your late DM and barely knows your Dsis isn't going to be able to offer much emotional support anyway. But if she wants to bring him, of course she is entitled to.

bubalou Fri 05-Oct-12 14:58:43

I'm very sorry for your loss. sad

Your sister obviously feels like she needs him there and if this makes the day a little more bearable for her then maybe that's not a bad thing?

Do you have a DH, DP etc that's going with you?

brass Fri 05-Oct-12 14:59:13

I think a little sorry. You are dealing with your grief, you cannot dictate how your sister deals with her's. He is remaining in the car.

Are the other siblings bringing partners at all or will it be immediate family?

SheppySheepdog Fri 05-Oct-12 14:59:44

Your sister probably wants the support of the person she is closest to on the day and that would trump my own misgivings if it was me.

Very sorry for all of you btw.

DameKewcumber Fri 05-Oct-12 15:02:18

"Are the other siblings bringing partners" - thats what would make the difference to me. If no-one else is perhaps you can suggest you have a close family lunch then he comes along and joins you for a drink afterwards.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 05-Oct-12 15:02:43

Very sad for you OP but i do think you are being unreasonable.

It's not all about what you want here is it? Your sister is within her rights to have him there with her.

charlienash25 Fri 05-Oct-12 15:03:53

Im sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in 2010 and i had her ashes placed in the ground in 2011 as me and her dad had split up.

I took my new partner along to the service - although we had only been together a few months, but he was there for me and I could not have gotten through the day sanely without him there.

I think personally that YABU. If the tables were turned and it was you with a new boyfriend, im sure you would want him there for someone to hold your hand?

DappyHays Fri 05-Oct-12 15:06:25

Sorry for your loss.

It is up to your sis, not you if he's there. He's there to support her. You say he's a nice guy.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 15:07:30

i imagine she hasn't thought through the impact on anyone else. She is inviting someone, who is a stranger to most of you, into an intensely private time. I would gently express your feelings about it. Be honest. You think you will be distraught and don't want someone you barely know there. She can see him later and will have all of you there for support. Will anyone else's partner be there? If they will, then it would be fairer to not comment though.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Fri 05-Oct-12 15:08:38

"Person closest to her" confused

She's been going out with him how long??? I think to call him that is stretching things a bit and does not compare to a husband or longterm partner who knew OP's mother personally and who was a grandma to their children.

On balance though I would try to focus on other things and not who's hanging about in the car. But I can see why it might feel intrusive.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Fri 05-Oct-12 15:13:44

If they end up staying together you won't feel great having made a stink about it either...This is one of those situations where it's a bit difficult to comment w/o knowing the personalities involved I reckon and whether there's more to it than this one thing.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 05-Oct-12 15:58:32

Think about it OP really.

He's staying in the car whilst family scatter the ashes (most private part, and rightly so).

Coming with you to a venue for lunch afterwards.

GoldShip Fri 05-Oct-12 17:35:23

I'm so so sorry for your loss

But YABU, if she wants him there to comfort her then there's no harm done at all. I think you might be focusing on that as a way of centralising your emotions elsewhere rather than with your mothers death sad I'm sure he'd rather not be there but is doing so for your sister which is really nice.

Again I'm so sorry and I hope you can give her a lovely send off x

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 05-Oct-12 19:42:55

I think that you need to think of him as the one she will marry/ be a long term partner etc.

being the one not allowing him to be there will only come back and bite you.

MrsKeithRichards Fri 05-Oct-12 20:06:57

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable.

Lueji Fri 05-Oct-12 20:12:04

Sorry for your loss.

But you don't own your mother, nor the ceremony.
If your DSis wants to go with him, why shouldn't she?

Personally, I'd think he is the one who could feel uncomfortable. If he's happy to go and support your sister, then you should support her too.

MummytoKatie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:12:29

I'm in early pregnancy and we found out this week that I'm quite likely to miscarry. My ILs are due to come this weekend. If I'm honest I would prefer it if they didn't. But dd has been looking forward to it and dh would prefer it if they came and they both have as much right to support at this time as I do. (dd obviously doesn't know - she's 2 - but we've just told her that we are not going on holiday next week after all so also needs a fuss.)

It's really hard but if you can cope then it will make things easier for your sister.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 21:29:59

Your DH's parents and DD's Grandparents are not similar to a new bf though are they Mummy. They are your family, a new bf is not. Equally the Grandparents are losing a Grandchild, new bf (presumably) didn't even know OP's mum.

Sorry to hear your awful news though thanks

YouSmegHead Fri 05-Oct-12 21:32:26

I have totally been in your situation. My older brother bought his new gf to our dads scattering. I'd only met her once before at the funeral!

Have to say it didn't change how I was, I cried and had more important things on my mind. Maybe he needs someone their for him?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 05-Oct-12 21:42:40

Are there any other partners going or is he the only one?

I understand how you feel, but I'm sure he will be very respectful and it's fair enough for your sister to want him there.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 05-Oct-12 21:45:17

Also, if he's driving, does she need him there for easier transport?

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