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To think my friend is behaving like a lovestruck teen instead of a responsible mother?

(26 Posts)
TM08 Fri 05-Oct-12 13:55:36

In late May, my friend went on a night out and met a guy.

She has a two-year-old daughter. Her first date with this guy took place two days after they met. This was a picnic in the park with her daughter.

A week later, they started to say 'I love you' to each other.'

The next week, he moved out of his mums and into her flat permanently.

Then she got her daughter to buy him a father's day card and gift.

At the end of June, she left her daughter for two weeks with her mum and went to Spain with her new BF. They came back engaged.

Since then, they've broke up twice. Been with other people. She's been ranting about how mean he is by not maintaining contact with 'their' daughter. His mum's been writing on her FB wall asking about her 'granddaughter'.

They got back together, and announced via Facebook that they were going to start TTC before their wedding next year. She's now pregnant and they're on a break. She's been moaning at me how upset her little girl's been since 'Daddy' left.

This has all taken place in under four months.

AIBU to think she should never have introduced her BF to her daughter so soon? She can do what she wants in her own life, it's none of my business, but surely she should be thinking of her daughter instead of herself?

She split up with her daughter's real father when she was pregnant, because he was always out getting drunk. He is twenty years older than her and has eight kids already with two other women. He has never had contact with my friend's daughter.

My friend used to go out every weekend since having her daughter. She'd binge drink and take drugs (horse tranquilisers, whatever the hell they are), knowing full well she had her daughter the next morning.

And then she'd text and write on FB how hungover she was and begging people to babysit for her so she could get some sleep. We fell out a lot over this actually whenever i told her how I felt.

TBH, when she announced her relationship with this new guy, i assumed he was just going to be another one-off. But since she got with him, she's not taken drugs and stays in most weekends as a family.

So in a way, he's calmed her down a lot.

I should butt out, but i'm concerned for her and her daughter and also needed to get all this out.

So AIBU? Or is my friend being unreasonable in how she has behaved?

SoleSource Fri 05-Oct-12 13:59:02

Oh my what an utter mess and a little girl stuck in tbe middle. This could be emotionally and mentally very damaging. I despair sometimes sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 14:01:37

How old is this woman? All sounds very immature.

porcamiseria Fri 05-Oct-12 14:02:55

she sounds like a car crash of a human being, and a shit Mum TBH

agh, we shall be seeing her daughter on the stately homes thread in about 20 years

sorry to be so flippant, but sounds like she is beyond listening

Poor poor girl (her daughter)

if course yanby to be concerned, but what can you do???

depressing

PopOozeTheFastest Fri 05-Oct-12 14:03:51

YANBU. If this was my friend, I would also be concerned for the little girl in the middle of all this.

I really don't know what you can do to help her though, have you spoken to your friend about your concerns? Maybe she hasn't yet looked at things from anyone's perspective but her own.

GoldenSeptember Fri 05-Oct-12 14:04:02

If this is true, then I think you need to choose your friends more carefully, frankly.

Icelollycraving Fri 05-Oct-12 14:05:34

Perhaps she is trying to have the whole ideal family scenario? I don't agree with introducing children to new partners straight away,it rarely ends well. How many daddys will be in this child's life?
What is the reason for them splitting up?

TM08 Fri 05-Oct-12 14:05:45

She's 25.

It is really sad. I was round there the other day with my daughter to visit them. And her little girl was in tears the whole time because 'Daddy' didn't want to see her anymore. My friend was badmouthing him in front of her. It was all just so awful. I gave her a piece of my mind, albeit gently. I told her perhaps she shouldn't have introduced him so soon.' She replied with, "Well we can't all be nuns like you!" Haha!

So I left.

SoleSource Fri 05-Oct-12 14:08:03

I can totally understand why you said that to her OP but I told ypu so is notgoingto help her. Maybe leave her to it. I think I would cut my losses with her and her associates altogether. You cannot chanfe her she will learn the hard way, hopefully.

TM08 Fri 05-Oct-12 14:09:09

There's no real reason for them breaking up. She said they've just been arguing lots about random stuff, like him working away during the week and only seeing her at weekends.

I've known her since school so i can't just dump her. I've tried several times to talk to her about this but she just says things like "all mums aren't the same" and calls me old-fashioned.

I don't know whether or not to get in touch with her mum to have a chat with her. She's a lovely lady and my friend's little girl dotes on her.

SoleSource Fri 05-Oct-12 14:12:41

Keep out of it is my advice, unless they are in real, danger. Knowing a petson since school has nothing to do with whether you still feel respect for a friend or not.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 14:16:19

"I've known her since school so i can't just dump her."

Why not? The 'fun interesting' kid from school can very easily turn into the 'selfish chaotic' adult that turns everything they touch into shit. Here you are posting on websites, worrying about her life, wondering whether to call her mother etc... she's dragging you into her personal episode of Shameless and you're a fool if you let her.

Paiviaso Fri 05-Oct-12 14:16:34

Wow, your friend is being so so unreasonable. It all sounds so unhealthy, and your friend certainly doesn't have her daughter at the top of her priority list.

bleedingheart Fri 05-Oct-12 14:18:13

Selfish woman! That poor little girl and the poor baby being dragged into this.

She probably won't listen but I can understand why you said something. I'm sorry things haven't been great for her but her children need stability.

quietlysuggests Fri 05-Oct-12 14:20:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AreAllMenTheSame2 Fri 05-Oct-12 16:36:55

I actually do think your being unreasonable. If your that concerned then maybe you could help her out instead of "giving her a piece of your mind" which is.t actually very helpful to someone in her situation is it?

And to those who say she is a neglectful mother? Op says since friend has been with new partner she hasnt took drugs ect and stays in most weekends so actually sounds like shes trying to get her life back on track! And "theres

AreAllMenTheSame2 Fri 05-Oct-12 16:42:23

And "theres no real reason for them breaking up" that is just ridiculous isnt it. Unless your her partner you cant really say that can you? You actually sound quite nasty and if that was me you wouldn't be my friend for mich longer.

Scratch that - you dont sound nasty... I think you love the drama of your friends life a bit too much. If your really that concerned then maybe offer some support instead of a snotty opinion that probably isnt wanted.

toptramp Fri 05-Oct-12 16:54:16

I think she is behaving like a love sytruck teen but then again why not? I am in love and my bf met my dd before we got it on as she was out when she met. There is no right time to meet a new man. I think you are right to be concerned about the ruch but that dosn't mean she isn't a good man; she's just not great at taking it slow. Judgy pants central on here. It's not like she's bottle feeding her child or giving it fruit shoots is it?! grin

toptramp Fri 05-Oct-12 17:06:48

rush

toptramp Fri 05-Oct-12 17:07:48

Ok the drink and drugs bit would piss me off tbh.

WildWorld2004 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:17:11

AreAllMen exactly how should OP help her friend??

I am about the same age as your friend OP and i would never treat my dd like this. I think it is selfish and neglectful. How can a child process who its 'daddy' is this month. Its wrong wrong wrong.

AreAllMenTheSame2 Fri 05-Oct-12 20:07:19

Wildworld from what the OP has said her friend seems to be quite unstable. On those circumstances surely giving her a piece of her mind isn't the best advice to give to an unstable woman. If that was my friend I would perhaps be lending her a shoulder to cry on instead of "giving her a piece of my mind" then being offended and leaving because she didnt like what i said.

Im actually not too sure how she can help her friend because it doesnt seem that drastic IMO, it seemed to be at first but as the op said the new partner has seemed to calm her down a bit. IMO as the op has said their has been rows over this in the past maybe she should just leave her friend to her own devices as thir obviously not getting along very well, and I cant help but feel that the op is loving it.

Bubblegum78 Fri 05-Oct-12 20:15:18

OP, your friend is selfish and immature, I understand why you give her a piece of your mind, because you are worried and you are trying to talk sense into her.
Sadly, some people just don't want to hear it and you can only do your best. It's good that you don't want to just walk away from her, it shows you genuinly care for her wellbeing and that of her daughter.
You have told her how you feel, that's all you can do.
It's up to you how much of this you can tolerate...these types of people put a lot of stress on you.
Hope it all works out. x

lydiamama Fri 05-Oct-12 20:21:58

It is quite shockingconfused. I think she should have waited to know him much better before introducing him to her DD. Well, by now it is good DD is calling him Daddy, because he is gonna be a father for her little brother or sister anyway. I wish them the best luck, I do not think there is much to do or say, it was all very quick, I agree with you, but if I were you I would try to make her understand they need stability, this break-come back together is not good for the children, they should try to stay together as she is pregnant, and it is what they had planned anyway. Oh dear, fingers crossed

SirBoobAlot Fri 05-Oct-12 21:07:03

Well I don't think the introducing him to her DD that early was necessarily unreasonable; DS was with me when DP and I met, and that's worked fine for us.

But everything else... Fucking hell, she just sounds really screwed up, frankly. And needs help.

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