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To be angry at my mother for treating my 14 month old like her own child?

(54 Posts)
AnnieDelores Thu 04-Oct-12 13:19:04

My mother comes to look after my 14 month old son two days a fortnight and travels 2 and a half hours to stay with us. She sometimes visits for weekends too with my stepdad.

She is FANTASIC with my son and has heaps of energy and love for him. He adores her too.

The problem began when she started feeding him cake and biscuits (she has an unhealthy diet) and giving him his dummy during the day and giving him proper glasses and bowls rather than his own plastic ones. I noticed he was getting a bit chubby (95th percentile) and asked her to cut back and offered alternative healthy treats for him. After seeing no improvement I asked her if she was still "spoiling" him and she took offence. She is also overly worried when he has a cold and picks him up all the time rather than encouraging him to play independently. She also doesn;t like my decision to send him to nursery two days a week because she thinks he will not get the love and attention he needs there. This is just silly as I have him all to myself on Fridays and together as a family at the weekends.

Its a long story so I'll keep to the main points. My mother was not a good parent after having me at only 19 years old. She hit me and abused me regularly. I have forgiven her for this because she has changed and is a wonderful generous grandmother and mother. But she does cross over boundaries and spoil my son so I find it difficult to manage his expectations.

Its almost as if my son is her "2nd chance" and she feels like he is hers. She was present at the birth because I asked her to be there.

She hasn't spoken to me for over a week now, despite my calls, because she is upset that I accused her of over feeding my son and thinks I am being generally snappy and difficult to get on with. I probably am, but I'm tired juggling a job and a child and trying to do my best even though I'm exhausted.

She now says she will only speak to me with my partner or her husband present which is typical dramiatic behaviour on her part.

AIBU to be fed up with this?

AnnieDelores Fri 05-Oct-12 12:56:15

Paying for two extra days child care will be a stretch on the finances but I agree that it's more important to get it right. My father and DPs parents also have him for one day a month each and I never have issues with them, other than the odd unnoticed pooey nappy!

My mother has always been difficult to manage and blows hot and cold. Loving and generous then running away and sulking. She has a vile temper and flips easily. But the hard part about all this is that she totally adores Sam. She smells his clothes when he is asleep and talks about him constantly. It's like an obsession. He is not her first grandchild, but her first grandson. She had two daughters. My sister was a stay at home mum and therefore didn't have the same issues as me. She also as an obese child from too much cake and crisps.

I'm building up the strength to reply to her now as I know she is not going to like it. I'm also feeling slightly conscious that she may not have been over feeding him recently after I asked her not to the first time, but I have no way of knowing. Even so, she could have told me to shut up and not sulk about it.

AnnieDelores Fri 05-Oct-12 13:02:22

FolkGirl you are right. I don't think she will change. You have a very wise head on those shoulders.

MsOnatopp Fri 05-Oct-12 13:13:56

Your child wont have become over weight just from her four days a month. Look at the diet and portions you are giving him if it really is an issue. I am glad you see that. smile

She sounds like a good gran but a stroppy rotten person to deal with. I am sorry for the childhood abuse.

I hope you get this resolved.

TroublesomeEx Fri 05-Oct-12 13:19:59

Annie smile

I hope you get it sorted out with her.

It sounds like she genuinely cares and you want her in your son's life. But there need to be boundaries and clear expectations.

And you need to be the one driving them.

Good luck. x

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